Chapter 1

Seth asks Jess out...

Chapter 1.

 

The next morning Seth woke up early to the sound of his parents screaming. He sighed as he got dressed into a red tee-shirt and gray jeans. His brown hair remained messy even when he walked out the front door.

 

 

When he finished walking to school, Seth looked ever where for his dream girl. He found her sitting by the fountain in the courtyard. He sighed as he looked at her.

 

He sucked in a breath as he walked over to her and the guys surrounding her. "Jess..." He called out quietly. The reddish-brown haired girl wearing all black stared at him as if he was invisible. "What?" She asked sounding detached.

 

"Would you like to go out with me some time?" He managed to choke out. Jess laughed a bit. "Maybe." She said with a smirk as she got up. "I'll call you." She told me as she walked away.

 

A smile remained on my face for the whole day, until 7 at night. Realization hit him. His heart had just been played by no other then Jess. She couldn't call him because she didn't have his number. Seth groaned as he hit his head into his pillow. "I'm so stupid. A girl like that would never like me!" He muttered to him self.

 

Later when Seth fell a sleep he dreamed of being some one else. Some one that Jess would like. Too bad he was stuck being plain old Seth.

Reviews

[Jason Young]

It really needs to be longer, firstly. A good rule of thumb is to have at least three major events per chapter. Add some detail to the whole thing. Show us this story, instead of telling.

What was poor Seth feeling as he watched her? What made him suddenly get up and go ask her out? How was he feeling? Was his heart racing? Were his hands shaking? Did he go and ask her out of his own will, or did his body force him to go over and ask her out?

Ask yourself those kinds of questions as you write the entire chapter. Colors are very well and fine, but couldn't you tell us more about the objects you're describing? Remember, show, don't tell.

Also, it'd be nice to keep the point of view consistent- if you want to write in first person, write in first person. If you want to write in third, write in third. But never mix the two.

Add some minor events leading up to the major events. What happened as he went from home to school? We know he walks out of concern for the environment, but doesn't anything interesting happen during his walks? Did he decide to ask out Jess while he was walking to school?