Shaping The Dark

about paranoia,

Shaping The Dark

 

Falling through the dark

Corridors in my own mind

Looking for what is wrong

What is happening to me?

Hanging on the edge

Losing my sanity

Every second, every hour

These days become more surreal to me

 

I don’t know what’s going on

Looking into the mirror

Someone else is looking back at me

Can you leave the light on?

Until I fall asleep

What I'll create in the dark,

Scares the hell out of me

 

I keep looking back,

Over my own shoulder

Even with my back against the wall

I think something is following me.

Alone in this room

I hear the whispers from the walls

My imagination is taking over

These dreams are becoming real to me

 

I don’t know what’s going on

It's not me in the mirror

Something else is taking over,

Can you leave the light on?

Until I'm asleep

What I create in the dark,

Scares the hell out of me

 

I'm falling in the dark

Corridors of my own mind,

So many closed doors

I'm locked inside

These days grow more surreal,

Every single day

I am afraid,

What is happening to me to me?

 

Reviews

[The Perfectionist]

New Version, wee...

Well that's much better. If I knew the song, I might have been able to sing along, but even as it stands this is much more eloquent and deals with both the problems I found in the previous version. A vast improvement.

[The Perfectionist]

Another lyricist. This should be fun. And I even listen to that kind of music (among other things). Let's see what you've got.

Okay...

The tune is a little hard to pick up - and to follow - but I managed my way through it without too much trouble. The flow is alright, not the smoothest ride in the world, but it gets you where you want to go.

Two things stood out for me, both in a bad way. I don't know if it was the way I was trying to sing it, or the way your chorus is set up, but the last line

"Scares the hell out of me"

Feels very out of place each time I read it. It's like you're travelling down a bumpy, but passable dirt road and then every time you take a turn, there's a giant rock in the way.

I wonder if I can get arrested for torturing a simile...anyway

I'm not exactly sure what I'd do with it. I think it comes on too strong. I'm far from a person who objects to foul language (seriously, piss me off and then hide your children), but I don't think in the context that 'scares the hell' helps out your rhythm. It gets the point across, for sure, but it threw me off both times.

The other thing is a nitpick. I have absolutely no problem with repeating yourself at the end of a line, but if you're going to do it (and you did, at the very end) put a comma in there. "to me to me" just looks stupid.

Aside from that, it's a good song conveying something that happens to a lot of us.

[Kristen]

I love how this poem expresses (at least in my opinion) that sometimes your own imaginationi can be your enemy. What you conjour up in your own head can be your own personal nightmare.

[nostal]

Very tense and frightening.
I can feel the sensation the poem is trying to portray.
Good job.