Throwing Up Twilight~ (from the Politically Incorrect Parenting 102 Series) =P

~a reviewfrom someone with a very low stupidity threshold~

On a nightmare day in January, five of my 12 year old daughter's friends voted me the lucky mom to ferry them off to their pick of the movie of the month, which was, alas to be TWILIGHT. 

Up to that time I had mercifully been subjected to only a thousand Twilight references by the club of 12 year old chickadees drooling over the lead vampire, whatizname.

And so on that rainy January Saturday I bravely drove six girls possessed by the hormone fairy to the cinema.

Alas, two of the girls were at it before we hit Route 38, bitching about some boy in 7th grade and which one of them put dibs on him first.  The other four snickered, as wonderful friends are wont to do, anticipating hair pulling and biting to commence.

"Hey, cut it out back there." spoke I authoritatively, to which my 12 year old replied,

"Let them work it out, isn't that what you always tell me?  Conflict resolution skills have to be acquired, and so I quote."

I really don't like being around 12 year old girls.

Fifteen minutes later we made it to the cinema and upon entering the parking lot, the two girls suddenly forgot about the real boy and began to obsess over whatizname with the sharp teeth.

Since I had Fandangoed tickets, the journey through the lobby should have been simple, but alas, the candy counter beckoned and the processed butter to be lavished over plastic popcorn filled the air with nausea inducing aromas.

SO there I stood, holding six puffy winter coats, an assortment of scarves and hats and gloves, while the girls discussed the nutritional value of Raisinets and how many they could eat before putting on a pound. 

Meanwhile, this goth child who couldn't have been more than seventeen years old, with jet black hair over his eyes, and sporting a dog collar, was eyeing me up and down as if I were a piece of steak.  I shuffled my feet as he edged closer to the condiment stand where I tried to hide from a shrieking assortment of adolescent girls enveloping the inside of the cinema like the blob, but alas, it was some demented fate that brought this child face to face with me as he reached for straws.

"Wow, you're really pale, like you have no pigment or anything.  That's cool." the goth child uttered these words of observational wisdom, and just when I thought my nightmare of being hit on by a kid younger than my oldest daughter was over, he goes "You got a boyfriend?"

EYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU, just eyu!

But then *insert the sound of savior horns here* my daughter thrust her face between myself and the kid and went , "Eyuuuu, you are so gross, that's my mom and she's 43, eyuuuuuuu."  while all her friends made gagging noises.

The boy with the eyeliner and doggie collar kind of sort of blanched even whiter than the makeup he wore and slunk off, beaten by 12 year old sass.

Gee, I felt wonderful.

"I can't leave you alone for a minute can I?" daughter frowned as she thrust a popcorn and a soda at me.

"That was gross." said one of her friends.

"They do it all the time.  Until I tell them she's not as young as she looks."

Ahhhh, reproduction is such a crapshoot.

And then, overburdened with winter wear, buttery popcorn and soda, off we waltzed into the depths of the theater filled with at least a hundred giggling girls and a handful of parents on Xanax.

Of the movie, the best parts were the 15 minutes of trailers and commercials before the regurgitative movie began.

I sat mesmerized by the inanity of the flick as the girls around me swooned and commented on every freaking detail of whatziname's physical appearance.

And, mesmerized in an acid reflux kind of way, I ate stale popcorn drenched in fake butter and drank down a large coke before I knew what had happened.

The rest of the time I spent trying not to regurgitate the popcorn as I watched one of the stupidest movies I've ever been subjected to since reproducing and being hauled off to inane cinematic nightmares against my will by rambunctious evil children.

"What's the matter?" my daughter asked as she took a momentary break from gushing over whatizname made of diamonds or whatever as he was getting busy biting Bella after the bad vampires really  made a mess of things and like broke everything, including her.

"I think I'm going to vomit up my small intestine."

She looked at me and shook her head, "You are so dramatic.  Why you complaining?  You got the old vampire dad to drool over."

"Excuse me." I said and tumbled out of the theater to hide in the toilet for the following ten minutes.

 

When I returned to hell, the credits were rolling and I suddenly felt the dark miasma of preteen hormones lifting.

And the girls chattered and chattered all the way home and the two girls fighting over the boy resumed their fighting, and my daughter insisted we stop at Target for the third Twilight installment, and then the day was over, and I made it (with these girls who do not know the benefits of shutting up for a moment) without having to be institutionalized.

And there in a nutshell is my review.

I take offence at the supposition that vampires are made of diamonds and look like whatizname.

And as a post note to this whole Twilight craziness, as my daughter was devouring the third or fourth book in the series, she came running into the kitchen one day where I was preparing my vegan lasagna and goes, "BELLA'S PREGNANT!"

WTF?! =o

"And how pray tell could she possibly get knocked up by something that is technically dead and should not be able to produce body fluids, LET ALONE SPERM!?"

"Eyuuu." said the kid instead of having a intellectual discussion, "You're so gross." and then she looked upon my vegan fare which she used to love and said, "Can you make me steak instead?"

I hate Twilight, give me good old NOSFERATU with the long face and creepy body any day over this fluff.  Give me Frank Langella and Brad Pitt and Bela Lugosi and Udo Kier ANY freaking day over these new century vampires.

To sum it all up at a 12 year old level of intelligence; GROSS.

 

AND still they actually tried to con me into seeing 17AGAIN last week.  I passed and gave the mother who took them my Valium, whispering, "You'll need these, serious."

 

 

copyright:2010vssmd/pa inc.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

 

 

 

excerpt from

Author's Note

~this nightmare occured when the *gag* movie first came out two years ago~needless to say~ NEVER went there again~ =P *ack*

Reviews

[Brad]

for some reason i, the dad...not the freakin mother, got dragged to the HELLfest the last 3 times...i swear to gad i'm gonna have an anuerysm before this Breakin Dawn things happens. the way i summed up the toilight series was this:

twitlight: oh, edward, oh edward!
new moon: f-u bella!
oh jake, oh jake, oh...s**t you're a wolf?
eclipse: sorry, bella i'm a jerk
oh, edward oh, edward
hey, waht about me?
oh jake, oh jake you're so warm jake
what about me with the spray painted abs?
oh edward oh edward....
you b***h, i oughta wolf out and eat the both of you....
(annoying thing about this movie? my daughter kept correcting me by saying, "dad, it's eh-clipse not ee-clipse...and her friends kept saying, you're dad looks like jacob black...sigh)

[Amy Bumpas]

For me, the first Twilight was the best..the other two a let down.
I've done the whole thing taking my daughters friends to the movies too..
not as dramatic as this, but I can understand. The guys may not be your
traditional vampire, but still fun to look at, and sadly jail bait...lol

[MuSe Ampoule]

Selene...can I second this? Twilight...is by far the WORSE vamp movie ever. I'd take a D-Rated 80's flick over this anyday. My 11 y/o is in love with the sparkly d****e-bag wuss vamp..and I just roll my eyes and try to bite my tongue. Though the were-wolf character ain't half bad to look at...I still wont go through that again. This was a great, comical write of, yes, the worse vamp flick ever...oh did I say that already, must have repeated myself 'cause it's true!!!

You want real vampires to wash these sucky images out of your mind? Read Laurell K. Hamilton's Anita Blake Vampire Hunter series. It's phenominal and the vamps in that are even better than Ann Rices. I've been completely addicted to the series since I picked it up 5 years ago...she's up to 20 books I think. First one is Guilty Pleasures. Mais oui! Jean-Claude!!!

[Jennifer Lenhardt]

hah! too funny, and i too was subjected to this movie and was almost incensed by the ridiculousness of such "goody two-shoes" kind of vampires. you should see Vampires Suck - the mockery of Twilight - now that will make you laugh! Also, yes, what fun to look younger than we are - hehe.

[luciddreamer]

Oh gosh, I am so glad I am not the only one who "gags" at this twilight crap....but of course can't say that to loud, my grandchildren and GROWN daughters would disown me....great story....I know it to well :)
Peace
Robin

[Dinesh Sairam]

I passed and gave the mother who took them my Valium, whispering, "You'll need these, serious."


Haha, I'm sorry too. :P Twilight, let me see.. A young girl hooks up with an hundred year old vampire, old enough to be her great grand father? And a wolf comes between their relationship? (And how devastating- It's a 'Saga'!!)

Well we can't really blame the movie. Because the book from which it came is crazy enough too. You can't even read it as a bedtime story to children.

I guess, in Hollywood, There are always ******** -- A lot of stars or a lot of you-know-what! =D

PS. Spread the message!

[Cafe Reader]

Oh poor Selene! Ha ha ha ha ha! I love your PIP series!!!! You should post the one about how you explained the OB/GYN exam to the poor girl! LOL!

[Emily B]

oh, the things we do for our children, I could write a similar review for a SpongeBob SquarePants movie. I think I finally fell asleep during a few years ago.

So glad to know that others have suffered similar fates.