7DeadlySins (Senryu)

i thought this series of haiku/senryu poems was a good idea, it was harder then i expected tho lol, i hope u enjoy

Pride-

 Thinking Of Me First

Doesn’t Matter Who Gets Hurt

When You Cry, I Smirk ;-)

 

Greed-

 There’s Never Enough

 And I’ll Take What You Have Too

 Don’t Like It? …Well Tough!

 

 

Wrath-

 I’ve Taken Control

 War Replaced Love Long Ago

Black Hole Through The Soul

 

Gluttony -

 Starved For Attention

 I Am In No Mood For Food

I Am Craving You

 

Envy-

You Have Everything

The Reason I Despise You

…Should Not Surprise You

 

Sloth-

Time to smell  daisies

Such fun in being lazy

Don’t think so?...Crazy

 

Lust-

Kiss me in my sleep

This fire that’s inside me

Yearning, Burning, Deep

Author's Note

being a songwriter,,,its hard for me not to rhyme, i apologize in advance lol

Reviews

[KAOlmsted]

SR! I love your Haiku...I've been doing a lot lately, too, but nowhere near as good as this...and for some reason I've been calling mine Senryu *laugh* Oh well...tomaytoe tomahtoe ;-) I loved them all, but my favorites were Pride and Envy...so good.

[Sirius King]

these actually are "Senryu"...i have to change that lol...thanx!

[KAOlmsted]

Always a pleasure, SR!

[Sirius King]

:-)

[Kaylor Mason]

This is cool. I especially noticed where you made the distinction that gluttony isn't just about food--it can be about anything, really, if it's taken to an extreme, dangerous excess. Too many people miss that today

[Sirius King]

thanx, i didn't think ppl would catch that

[Michael of Gilead]

Not bad at all, a humorous and lighthearted look at sins

[Sirius King]

thank u!

[Destinyxi]

Lust-
Kiss me in my sleep
This fire that’s inside me
Yearning, Burning, Deep

Loved that one! This was extremely creative. Keep it up!

[Sirius King]

thanx! ill try :-)

[Steven Cash]

It was great

[Sirius King]

thank u

[Steven Cash]

Kinda funny tho... Gluttony is hotter than Lust ahaa lol

[Sirius King]

i was thinking the same thing! lol

[The Doctor]

I think you did an excellent job personifying each sin. It brought them to life along with the color coordination. Excellent write my friend.
-The Doctor

[Sirius King]

thanx for ur comment!

[francineeexx]

This was really good! They where written in a playful way which I really did enjoy :) Congratulations

[Sirius King]

thank u :-)

[Sirius King]

Very inspiring, lovely, creative, and rich of a ray of colors I adore.
I truly enjoyed this piece. Clever messages in all stanzas!

E.L.

[Sirius King]

thanx! :-)

[jrPaperheart]

I like what you did with this alot, sir. Each sin has it's own personality. All sharing the similar pattern of a haiku. Almost like a written musical. Covered each aspect very well with the words chosen, & the rhymes make it quite a fun read.

[Sirius King]

thanx for ur comment!

[Myenigma]

this is inspiring and creative.

[Sirius King]

thanx :-)

[Victorious]

Dear Serenus Raymone,

All I can say is this was very creative. I'll give you a hundred for that. Not only did you capture each sin in the below lines, you matched the color, and everything was just neat.

sincerely Victorious

God bless you!

[Sirius King]

thanx! i appreciate it,,, i was kinda unsure tho lol

[Victorious]

Unsure about what?

[Sirius King]

...about the whole thing lol, but im glad u enjoyed it

[Victorious]

Oh wait, I missed an error. Change "daisy's" to "daisies." It's a simple poem; I'm assuming simplicity is where you were going with this. Short and sweet, huh?

[Sirius King]

ok thanx i will make that correction,,, yea short n sweet, maybe ill try the same topic but in a different format, Haiku can be constraining but i think i got the point across here

[Victorious]

Yeah, I get what you mean. I reread the piece and some of the contractions makes it hard to flow. Were you going with a 5-7-5 style?

[Victorious]

Exactly why I don't do many haikus lol.

[Sirius King]

yea thats that i was going for, jus to try something new...it works tho

[Sirius King]

exactly lol

[Victorious]

Add a "the" in front of the "daisies" to add the fifth syllable. I love that picture by the way. Indeed I agree with The Doctor here and say you did a good job. Well, I always say every piece has its place and this piece has its place in the simplicity of haikus.

[Sirius King]

yea i think the pic adds too the theme very well,,,daisies is two syllables right?...the piece is simple and its starting to grow on me now lol,,, im kinda of my own worst critic at times :-)

[Victorious]

Been there done that, lol. Sometimes it takes the response of the reader to verify the worth of the poem. The pic reflects your ideas and makes a mirror, which I think can be a goal for this piece, the goal of self-reflection. Oh yeah, my bad, it is.

[Sirius King]

lol,,,true, and you have been very helpful and constructive... i thank u!

[MoriartyMesa]

and that answered my question.

[Sirius King]

lol what question was that?

[MoriartyMesa]

Well, if you review other work or just comment on your own. Not being a jerk (too late right lol) just wondered is all.

[Sirius King]

lol i hear u

[Victorious]

You are very welcome! And I don't understand the question?