24 hours

when dan died

i was thinking it would be important to write all this down. maybe it wont cycle through my head anymore if i do. or maybe if i tell someone else i wont be in this pain alone.

so here are dan and i's last 24-ish hours together. as i remember them.

unfortunately they were not in person. that is one thing i will always regret.

so the first thing of one of the last extended memories that i have... friday night (oct. 1st) it was about 730 pm (there were about 26 hours left in dans little life) i was on the phone with him.. i was driving in the car with my oldest sis and my nephew and gavin kept taking the phone and chatting with dan. they had never met. they never got the chance. i told him we were on our way to dinner and then going to ice cream and that he should come. i was going back to the city that night and he could come with me. i had intended to get some rest anyhow since i had been out a lot since i had lost my job a few weeks earlier. he said he couldnt make it but he would love to watch me licking away at lavender soy ice cream while trying to share with my nephew, the dog, and not get it all over my face. we also made plans to go to his grandparents for dinner the following day. he was so close to them and had told them all about me and the were so excited to meet this elizabeth that had stolen their daniels heart...

we talked a few times when i was on the bus on the way back to sf later that night.. i dont really recall anything more than our normal jabber.. what are you doing.. what are you thinking.. what are you thinking about what you are thinking... what are you doing about what you are thinking.. we loved to talk about everything. one day a couple days before at the library we had a 2 hour text messaging session about wheat grass.. the benefits of wheat grass.. and an all orange tic tac diet. i loved the way he made me laugh. i loved him completely. i never told him. never.

here is a bit of our texting

dan says : sleep well elizabeth with thoughts of positivity and warmth ... daniel

i replied : i am not not responding i am just speechless in comparison to your sweetness ... good night daniel

i got back to sf and went out to the bars.. i will leave this part out completely. jacqui and i (my best friend) had had a fight that day and she told dan to tell me she never wanted to talk to me again.. i was sad.. he was the only one who understood. i was going to go drink to forget about it and then at around 305 am on my way home i was ready to talk

305 am i texted dan: are you still up..

nothing.. i went to sleep

513 am :im up now ...just call me when you want to talk .. i can conform to you in this instance
912 am :elizabeth. i wish you could have spoken to jacky and not me instead. but if there is anything i can do to bring you contentedness and comfort say so. whatever happens.

9:18 am know that you have brought much pleasure and positivity to me. your impact is so appreciated regardless of what lay ahead.

how could he have ever known that 12 hours later he would be dead. i hate the way that sounds. i hate that it f*****g happened. i hate that he is not here with me now. i hate i hate i hate.. i am finally in touch with my anger i guess.

so i woke up late. i also regret this. like i could have changed something. we had, like i have said, planned for me to come down and meet his grandparents. coincidentally i met them the following day and cried in their arms.. this is not how dan would have seen it.. but i am sure if things had to happen as they did then this is what he would have wanted.

so i woke up late. i called him first. as i always did. he answered and was a little upset i slept too late to come down.. i told him about my night and got his usual response .. you crazy girl.. he never cared what i did or who i was doing it with. he wanted me to be happy no matter what. he had seen the pain i had been in with life lately and new i just had to get out of myself a couple nights a week. he never asked. we never talked about it. he just accepted it was a part of my process and he let me figure it out. i will never forgive myself for not realizing how much he meant to me then. like how i thought i had to find what i had somewhere else. he knew i would figure it out though, and he was patient.. he didnt know he would never see the day that it all changed.

so i went to the gym and called him on my way home at about 730. the last 2 hours of his life he spent on the phone with me. this is what i remember of what we said..

i was walking home from the gym and he was parked on the lookout in the novato-petaluma backroad hicks valley road.. i was telling him about how overcast the city was and how i hated not seeing the moon. he said he would describe it to me.. he said it was big like a hot air balloon and that where he was it was quiet and peaceful and he loved that the sound of me babbling was all he could hear. he loved me completely and i knew it. he told me that he was seeing shooting stars and it was amazing. he kept sighing and telling me there was another and another.. we talked about me not making it down and that i could just do it tomorrow and it didnt matter.. we talked about nothing for the hour or so.. then something changed in me. i dont know why. i said, 'dan.. i want to tell you something. i want to tell you tonight. i want you to come to sf and just be with me so i can tell you. i want you to come and just hold me. i want you to just be here more than anything.' this being totally out of character for me to just be vulnerable like that made dan stop and not say anything for minutes.. then he said ok.. and then he said.. well maybe.. and i knew he would and he was just teasing me..
then he said first i have to tell you something and then i will get going..
this is what he said ...
he told me about a dream he had once of this beautiful girl and she was an angel in his life and that he loved her, and knew she would never leave him.. he said that he felt at home with her like he never had before.. he said when he woke up he craved her to be with him again. he said when i met you i knew you were that girl.. and then we hung up..

921 pm my last words to dan and maybe the last thing he ever saw: please please please say yes..

i wanted him to know how much i wanted him to come to sf.. i knew he would. i just wanted him to know that i wanted him too

sometimes i think that he was texting me back, or worse yet reading the message, when his car went off the road.

i dont know how it feels to be a last memory. i dont know if i am enough for that. i dont even know why i think of that.

i wasnt going to do this.. but i guess it is part of the process.. this is what i did next.. i sat my phone on my bed. and i was scared. i was going to tell dan that i loved him that night. that i would always love him. that i was ready to trust my heart to him. i knew he wouldnt hurt me like so many others. i wanted to crawl into his arms and give him everything he had ever wanted. i wanted to really be the angel he thought i was.

i turned out all the lights and lit candles around my apartment. i turned on canon in d on repeat. i turned on the shower and let steam fill my tiny studio. i burned some of the incense we had bought just nights before. i got in the shower and i started to scrub w. this loofa soap that dan used to make fun of. he said that my skin was the softest he had felt and he didnt know why or how such a rough soap could be used on it to create that effect.. one day we had just sat in the shower and soaped each other with it. it was romantic. it was hysterical.. and i think about it all the time... i sat in the shower for a long time. at points i was scared that this letting him in would be the end to a fear and lack of trust i held onto for so long. it made me cry. i cried for so long in that shower. but at the same time i felt something. something that made me feel safe. i thought at the time it was that dan was coming and things would be ok. now i think that dan was there and that things were going to be ok. after almost an hour i got out of the shower. i spent a long time putting on lotion and things.. like i was preparing to see him for the first time. and in a sense i thought i was. i was finally ready to give myself to someone completely.

he never came

i called him

he didnt answer.. he had been dead for over an hour then. i am still angry that the police
did not answer.

i tried to tell myself he had gone home and fallen asleep. i knew that wasnt it. he would never not call. he wasnt like that. i lay in bed and cried. i knew. i dont know how. but i knew.
at about 515 jacqui called. this was the last thing she ever said to me

“liz its jacqui. dans dead liz. hes dead”

i said “no.. he is on his way here”

she said “what”

and i said “its not true he just isnt here yet”

and she said “no. he is. i am so sorry. chris (jacquis brother and sara's boyfriend) is with
sara (dans sister) and the family. call him.”

i called and talked to chris. told him i was the last one to talk to him and he was coming here. i talked to his mom and told her what we had said on the phone and how peaceful he was. it happened so fast. i called my grandma. i cried on the phone w. her till about 6. i called dans grandparents. i called my sister to come get me.

i cried in the car and the dog licked my face. i buried my head behind her ears and cried and cried.

i got to the house and held gavin for a long long time and cried and told him i loved him over and over again. then i sat at the top of the hill. the weekend before dan and i had sat there and he had said that he loved the way the wind sounded in the eucalyptus trees like heaven the way it was caught there. i listened for that wind. i heard it for the last time.
i took jills car and drove to petaluma via the backroads. i knew where he had been but i stopped at the fire station to be sure. i cried and they held me and said they were all so shooken up when they found him. that somehow made it worse. i went to the tree. there were already candles, flowers, pictures, and cards. it was about noon. i hugged the tree and hit the tree and screamed and screamed about it all. i picked through the remains of his car. metal left behind. i picked up mirror and cut myself with it. the pain did not match my own.

i ran into saras best friend and she told me his mothers address. i went first to his grandparents and then to his moms. i was awkward. i had never met them. they were broken. i was broken. there was no comforting each other. i drove back to the tree. i stayed there till 4 am. that was where dan was for me. that is where he remains.

all i have are memories now.

i remember the first time we kissed. i kissed him. he was too shy. he smiled boyishly and told me i was a better kisser and i said it didnt matter and we both laughed to hide how nervous we were. i love him so much still today. i cant imagine going on forever never telling him. and now. i dont know what other choice i have.

Reviews

[Collect-Eye]

OMG..this is the most amazingly beautiful and sad thing I have ever read.

I'm so sorry for your loss..I had no idea..this is the first time I've read this. Something in my heart told me to read it right now at this moment. It's a shattered mirror image of things going on in in my life now...so it hits home, but I think it would make me cry more if my own emotions weren't a little stuck trying to let out my own remorse.

I'm a little too choked up to write a proper review.

I'm just gonna go finish crying now if I can.

i'll email you in a little while....