on losing expectations.. and being lost

short entry

 

 

i

am driving to hollywood. writing as i drive. an old past time of mine.

i

find myself wanting to be north more a more often lately and its not about anyone else for once. its about being where i belong regardless of who is with me or not with me. regardless of if it is comfortable for you for me to be there. i have to stop doing for other people in this area. on the real. i have spent too much time trying to accommodate everyone elses wants.

i

have been driving a lot at night again. i cant seem to sleep since the accident and sometimes i just need to turn the music up. way up. up loud. and drive

my

heart is starting to feel lonely again. and i am just as prone to tears as i have been to smiles. but my smiles are coming from further away now. from my friends up in la county and my friends back home. sitting around drinking coffee, playing cards, and connecting. things i cant seem to do here. phone calls all night long with people back home. conversations that should be had in person. with hands to hold and shoulders to lean on. eyes to be looked into.

i

am confused. i went up to la and had lunch with an old friend. then i spent the day wandering. i love to just be. to just open my day to whatever and be destinationless. enjoying the gifts of having no expectations. i dont have this in san diego. i dont know why. it is not a wandering city i suppose. so i parked and just started walking around. wondering if this is where i belong next. exploring the possibilities that this could end up home.

i

drank the worst cup of coffee i think i have ever had and then spent hours making shadow art (i will never display), thinking about bad espresso and loose fitting lids, the warehouse district, building and detroying expectations, going into empty galleries and sitting for mini eternities, dancing in my head, singing to myself, writing, people watching, people engaging, shopping, trying to feel anchored, enjoying others expression on canvas and on concrete, and wondering what the future will hold. 

a lady stopped me somewhere near 8th and spring to say "its hard to shop at rite aid" i nod "the people are all new and dishonest" she says

"people are like that" she nods "expectations are a b***h" i say and walk on

later in the afternoon i spent some time with my friends in chino playing dominoes and talking about life, love, sobriety, success, meditation, coffee, what we would do now that we can do anything, the problems with being sober and not being alcoholic, the real rules, and sharing secrets.  

as evening approached i drove up to pas and spent the eve with ptk. that is a complicated one. it is hot/cold to spend time with someone i feel so similar to. luke warm. i enjoy the connection and the creeping under my skin that it brings. and we have moments of awkwardness and amazing conversation. and i am curious about it. but i am also left with this uncomfortable sad feeling for some reason. it almost reminds me of moments with people like adz. it is my s**t for sure. like being around amazing people often makes me feel lonely and i have to remind myself that it is just ego trying to be a part of something when there is no room for it. we spent the night touring la, talking about music, books, art, architecture, the past, expectations, and living ego free, eating vegan and gelato, drinking amazing coffee and comparing the hipster style of sf and la.

early this morning i began my long drive home. playing the same songs on repeat. thinking i will spend the remainder of the weekend making art to sort out these feelings i have. and losing these new expectations.

i

am sure

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[Larry Dyson]

nickelback on repeat.. ..yes I can identify...