Water Falling

Water falling

 

While walking along mountains edge

What is the key I pondered

I came upon a waterfall

As down the path I wandered

 

I stood in silent solitude

I listened to waters rush

They'd crash upon the rocks below

And splash upon the leafy brush

 

I lonely stared with eyes made new

Each droplet formed a ring

Outward flowing to each own

Each ring a ring within a ring

 

I felt a godly calming

Inspiring each thought

My fears now less alarming

Had I  found the key I'd sought

 

I grabbed a pin off piney fur

I dipped it in the mud

I wrote upon a leafy book

I signed it with my blood

 

©   bj Smith

Aka shallimarRose

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For more shallimarRose Poetry titles visit my table of contents in my blog...

 

Bits of Me...Table of Contents by title...

 

 

 

Author's Note

comment/critique welcome..thanx

Reviews

[Glen Yumang Manese]

I like the theme and intent of this verse... but something is amiss as I read this write as a reader... seems to lack a certain luster... you want to convey in your words... Can I suggest:


While walking along mountains edge
What is the key I pondered
I came upon a waterfall
As down the path I wandered

I stood in silent solitude
I listened to waters rush
They'd crash upon the rocks below
And splash upon the leafy brush

I lonely stared with eyes made new
Each droplet formed a ring
Outward flowing to each own
Each ring a ring within a ring

I felt a godly calming
Inspiring each thought
My fears now less alarming
Had I found the key I'd sought

I grabbed a pin off piney fur
I dipped it in the mud
I wrote upon a leafy book
I signed it with my blood
------------------------------------------------
Walking along mountains edge
What is the key I ponder?
I came upon a waterfall
Down the path I wandered

I stood in silent solitude
I listened to waters’ rush
Crash upon the rocks below
Splash upon the leafy brush

Lonely eyes stared made new
Droplets formed a ring
Flows outward to each their own
A ring within a ring

I felt a godly calming
Inspiring each thought
Fears now less alarming
Had I found the key I'd sought

I pluck a pin off piney fur
I dipped it in the mud
I wrote upon a leafy book
I signed it with my blood

This is just a suggestion... do what pleases you... at times I quote a suggestion and get a quick reprisal... like how dare you... so please... I'm here to help... and no way trying to influence my opinions on anyone... this is just a suggestion...

[shallimarRose]

No offence taken and all critique is welcome.. In this stanza "I lonely stared with eyes made newread moreNo offence taken and all critique is welcome.. In this stanza "I lonely stared with eyes made new
Each droplet formed a ring
Outward flowing to each own
Each ring a ring within a ring" My wording is more poetic and to my liking inriches the poem not takes away from it.. The whole poem is written in with this feel so to change this verse would not be a good move.. My mentor and editor actually loved this poem and it was used as an example.. I do see your point about the word grabbed but I do not like the word plucked either.. Maybe I will look into finding a different word.. I realize there are a couple of places that should have question marks etc.. but I rarely use punctuation when I write unless I'm editing for one of my books.. Thank you glen reading and for your review.. Rose

[redflutterby]

Beautiful solitude is essential for our souls. I've always loved waterfalls...there's something romantic and renewing about them. ;-)

[shallimarRose]

Thank you red. Yes me too. My desktop and screen saver are both animated waterfalls from Freeze.com .. xo Rose

[Angi]

Streams in the woods are some of the most peaceful places on earth. I really liked the little journey this took us on. Lovely work, Shallimar. Angi~

[shallimarRose]

Thank you Angi.. Im glad you picked up this one to read.. It's one of my favorites.. xo shallimar

[Jack...]

Very spiritual and calming was the scene you painted today. This is a daydream I have had many times, oh how I long to find this place of which you write. Very nice sweet Rose.

[shallimarRose]

thank you for reading Jack. Always my pleasure to have you on my pages.. xo

[Keith]

That is so gorgeous. Reads beautifully with superb rhyming.

[shallimarRose]

Thank you Keith. xo

[Ravyne Hawke]

Beautiful, spiritual poem, Rose.. I love the metaphor of water as a waterfall and the drops as rings. Such a wonderful thought-provoking write.

[shallimarRose]

Thank you again Lori for taking time out this weekend to read.. xo Rose

[Ravyne Hawke]

It's been a pleasure, Rose.

[Coyote Poetry]

A beautiful photo and amazing poetry. I did a lot of free climbing. I found many hidden waterfalls. Your words are true. There is peace and calm in the rush of the flowing water. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[shallimarRose]

Thank you Coyote for such a nice review.. xo Rose

[ron]

NIcely done dear friend. Tranquel and inspiering.

[shallimarRose]

Thank you Ron... Glad you enjoyed.. xo Rose

[Rita L. Sev]

Beautiful imagery here - the whole piece flows like the waterfall, adding an element of peacefulness. I enjoyed this, Rose!

[shallimarRose]

Thanks again Rita for coming to read and comment.. huggs, Rose

[Sharon L.H. Kelly]

Beautiful and descriptive with such a peaceful flow. I could see "each ring a ring within a ring." Well done.

[shallimarRose]

Thank you Sharon for your nice review.. huggs, Rose

[Sam]

Love it Rose. You paint such a beautiful always with your words. I could hear the splashing of the water, I could see exactly what you were explaining. You do have a crafty way with words. Keep penning on and I will keep reading. Thank you for the read request.

[shallimarRose]

Thank you Sam for always coming to read here.. I am pleased you like what I have to share.. Rose