A Hundred Million Suns

A Hundred Million Suns

A Poem by ShaneBerry
"

a poem about someone who did me very wrong a few years back...

"

A Hundred Million Suns


I don't know,

What words I could say

to make you think my way....

I walked up to you house in the bitter cold,

just to be the one that those warm arms would hold.

But now I see you found another man to take your breath away!

Well don't worry honey your gonna have it your way!

      Cause like a hundred million suns,

I will come undone,

and as you watch him run,

know.

I'm like a hundred millions suns.


You say it was a mistake,

you plead me to stay,

well sorry honey,its not gonna work like that today!


       Cause like a hundred million suns,

I will come undone,

and as you watch him run,

know.

I'm like a hundred million suns.


Burning like the fire in my eyes,

all I want is to see him die.

Burning like the hatred in my soul,

My broken heart...

you know, the one you stole.


         And like a Hundred million suns,

I will come undone,

and he will run,

and you will be there.

Waiting for... the sun.

© 2010 ShaneBerry


Author's Note

ShaneBerry
you know who u r. hope yalll liked it

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Reviews

I like this poem. I think it captures the message you are trying to convey in a powerful way. However, I think there are some places that you may want to look at and revise to help the flow of the poem.

I got a little confused when I was looking at the punctuation choices you made throughout the poem. I could see some instance where I think enjambment (having no punctuation at the end of a line) would be more powerful. For example, in your chorus: "I will come undone, / and as you watch him run, / know. / I'm like a hundred millions suns." I think the punctuation hinders the flow of the message. I think you may be trying to have some pauses in the section to show emphasis and emotion. In those circumstance, hyphens might be more helpful. Taking those two bits into those lines, it would look like this: "I will come undone / and as you watch him run / know- / I'm like a hundred millions suns." I think that might flow better, but it's ultimately up to you.

This is a thing that's just for me. I don't understand the simile "Like a hundred million suns / I will come undone." I like the way it flows, I like the way you use it, but I don't know what it exactly means. In my head, I see suns exploding or erupting for "undone." Is that right, or am I misunderstanding something?

This is a well-written poem. I can tell you put in a lot of effort and passion into it and it shows. I think some things can be tweaked, but they are not of necessity.

Posted 11 Years Ago


Read like a song, and a very good one at that. xx

Posted 13 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

songlike in structure...holds that symphony of bitterness entwined with melody and melancholy...a few spelling errors if you want to get super technical but either way hope this helped gain that inner peace.

Posted 13 Years Ago


This sounds like it could be a song. Very nice job (:

Posted 13 Years Ago


revenge can be sweet, but to wish death on any living creature is beyond our scope of what it should be. good job. I like the title very much.

Posted 13 Years Ago


this expresses how it feels to find the one you love in the arms of another. It is angering and heartbreaking at the same time. It is hurtful filling the rage that makes you walk away only to feel loneliness. You have described this so well.

Posted 13 Years Ago


This poem is absolutely amazing. I can feel the hurt and the pain and the edging anger. You have forced your emotions into creating a wonderful poem.

Posted 13 Years Ago


nice

Posted 13 Years Ago


0 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Very good write. Mixed emotion at a time like that is often hard to express. You did a good job here.

Posted 13 Years Ago


It's simply awesome. Amazing poem! Great job man

Posted 13 Years Ago



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Added on July 31, 2010
Last Updated on July 31, 2010

Author

ShaneBerry
ShaneBerry

denton, TX



About
My Chemical Romance “The Ghost of You” Name: Shane Douglas Berry Age: Born on 8/4/1992 Hair color: Brown Eye color: Green Skin color: White, Freckled Tattoos: Oroborus (red, center.. more..

Writing
Original Original

A Poem by ShaneBerry



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