First love #2

This poems a mess like the relationship I've tried to define.

We stared at the stars,

fingers entwined,

whispered conversations,

over paper bagged red wine.

I asked you to be gentle,

my heart was still whole,

you told me you loved me,

how was I to know.

You taught me how to dream,

like I had never dreamt before.

Then you turned them into nightmares,

when she started knocking at your door.

You taught me all about

the ugliness in the world.

Then you showed me,

how to see it in myself.

I knew your biggest secrets,

and that was mine.

I bled from the inside out,

while pretending everything was fine.

By stealing all my joy,

you filled me with despair.

I never understood,

how little you could care.

Did you mean to give me strength?

The ability to run.

I was never so happy,

as to when it hit me we were done.

Reviews

[C.]

I really enjoyed this (:
It really reminded me of my last relationship

[Kenneth Nicholas Lowe]

Wow...simply wow...the end "as to when it hit me we were done"...mind=blown

[Jeannette Lunete]

Nicely captivated emotion of romantic loss. But in the end it's better to have loved and lost than to never loved at all. Keep sharing your experience in this simplicity blessed, but yet poetic way. :)

[avant security guard]

very nice
a few things
I really like the title "first love #2"
it needs a question mark at end of paragraph 2
remember, you are creating the English language--don't break it
I'd like to see first love #2
deep

[rach]

Thank you, I must have missed that question mark.

[bob, small b. aka invs]

just a technical thing i want to mention. every verse has a rhyme scheme to it except the fourth. it seems extremely inconsistent. either all should rhyme or none. just my opinion. i think it weakens the poem.

[rach]

It was the second and the 4th I was trying to do a thing, I get what you mean though, thanks for the feedback.

[Hasan Hersi]

I cant even begin to comprehend how that must feel like, i admire the inversion on the third stanza, its like this poem catches your emotions stage by stage, well done.

[BennyBooth]

Well expressed poem.. I really like the way you have ended it... I like the way you write, Rach... Nice job :)

[The Twin Arenas]

the way you see through young love is scary.

you write bluntly what young men breaking hearts hope you aren't feeling, which, I think, is what poems of this type are after.

always a good read. poem's not a mess, rach. pretty sturdy ol' thing. keep it up.

[rach]

Thanks, Im just trying to put my experience into words, I like they way you read into it.

[Baby Ricochet]

If you've had more than three loves in your life at least one of them jerked you around. Good poem

[rach]

at least one, yes. Thanks.

[Matching Socks]

Great finish. Takes people a while to reach that understand sometimes...
Nicely expressed.

[rach]

Thank you Ana.