undeniable

crying tears of blood

beating heart so black

is my pain from anger 

or the soul i lack

the deepest gash

lets free the pain

the darkest bruise

lets me breathe again

true joy i need

this heart is not here

and yet it grows

when you are near

Reviews

[RachelReaper]

I love how the last stanza was uplifting, that after heartache you can still find joy and still heal again.

[marie]

thank you so much for the review:)

[RachelReaper]

your welcome :)

[marie]

:)

[A.j. Dru]

Nice short piece. If I had any real suggestion, I guess I would say that I would change the "lack" in the last stanza to "need". I know that may sound small and insignificant, but it immediately brought my eyes back to the last line of the first stanza, where you also used "lack" and took my mind off of the flow for just a moment. Plus, I think "need" would just put more heat on the fire, put something at stake, in a way. We all need that joy. Other than that, great work! Keep writing.

[marie]

thanks:) i wil certainly take you advice into account and see how that works:) i was a little wary about using the word twice, because it gets on my nerves when one does that again thank you for the advice i really appreciate it:)

[A.j. Dru]

It's just advice, but I wanted to be constructive as best I could. It really is a good piece though.

[marie]

thank you:) i think it worked sounds better and without the "lack" there aren't as many distractions:) i don't mind constructive criticism, in fact i rely on it to make my work better:)

[A.j. Dru]

I love it. It really works with the last word too (near). As I've said, I really dig alliteration and imagery. I'm always happy to make suggestions. If you have anything you'd like me to critique, just let me know. I was a bit of a teacher's pet in Creative Writing class. LOL. I'm so happy to help, as long as you like the change. :)

[marie]

yeah :) love the change, thank you so much for the help:) you are free to critique any of my writing.

[A.j. Dru]

A freedom I will yield with care and aptitude.

[marie]

:)

[Tarry Franck]

Love this piece :) Great job :)

[marie]

thank you:)

[Ashley G.]

Interesting. :)

[marie]

:) in what way?

[Ashley G.]

The imagery is interesting.

[marie]

how?

[Ashley G.]

...how many questions are you going to keep asking 'cause I don't think I can keep up. The imagery is interesting. For example your first line
' crying tears of blood' and 'the darkest bruise'. I don't know how I can answer any other way. I'm tired today.

[marie]

i know, just trying to get you to give me some detail something to go off

[Nick.B]

Interesting painful poem, like your style, it feels dark and grey (which I kind of like) the last stanza was great (in my opinion)...great piece (thanks for the review )

[marie]

thank you for your input:) i'm glad you liked it:) (your welcome for the review)

[luviva]

this is such a sorrowful poem!
but hey, atleast you got someone who melts your heart washing away the sorrows ehh??
enwe nicely penned!

[marie]

thank you:) yes it is nice to have someone who washes it all away:)

[StayAnchored]

That is so sad yet sweet... Great job! :)

[marie]

thank you:)

[Phillitup]

Names:
1) The deepest gash'
2) Pain
3) Undeniable

Sorry,that's all I have. Nicely penned! Best regards, Dell

[marie]

i think i like the third one best and i do believe i will use that one:)

[Phillitup]

glad I could help!

[marie]

:) thanks:)

[Ethale Captor]

I believe it is addressed to a particular person, no?

[marie]

two actually:)

[Ethale Captor]

As I figured.

[marie]

yeah...do you know who?

[Ethale Captor]

Allow me to answer with a question. Do you think I know who?

[marie]

i know you do just trying to elongate this conversation out of boredom

[Ethale Captor]

Precisely.

[marie]

talking funny!!

[Ethale Captor]

Absolutely not.

[marie]

oh yes you are!!

[Ethale Captor]

I am speaking normally.

[Ethale Captor]

Or rather, typing.

[marie]

grrrr. you know what i mean

[Ethale Captor]

I believe you have said that twice now.

[marie]

three actually today alone...

[Ethale Captor]

My apologies, three.

[marie]

nah its ok:)

[Ethale Captor]

I see you were able to get back online?

[marie]

yep:) plugged meh computer in i didn't before, cause i thought the charger wouldn't reach lol its a midget charger:)

[Ethale Captor]

As most of them are.

[marie]

but mine especially... :) lol