Wee Bit Unusual

Kiran, a young paladin visiting the land of Dremeadow on a diplomatic mission for his lord, unexpectedly finds himself accused of causing the death of Dremeadow's queen.

            This was an unusual way to spend the last day of the year, Kiran Mani thought, adjusting the fastening on his cloak and straightening his muffler before passing through the wooden main doors of the palace. He’d  anticipated being in Cancalia conducting his duties as the constable of the Northchester city guard under his employer Duke Ivan’s instructions, celebrating at a tavern or inn with Nont’im and his women of the moment, or even visiting his adoptive father down in the city of Cadvashire.

 

            However, a week ago the paladin had been dispatched to Hardscrabble, Drémeadow by Duke Ivan’s son to discuss medical supplies with the Drémeadow hobbits’ king, Hrothgar Foxtrot. The journey north passed smoothly; he’d evaded the bandits that typically troubled unpatrolled roads in remote areas. It was only when he had reached Drémeadow that Kiran had felt as though something were terribly wrong, even though visibly everything seemed well. Ultimately, the young paladin decided that perhaps it was the absence of trouble putting him on edge. He was too accustomed to turmoil  to feel at ease all was well.

 

Despite his persistent misgivings, the stay in Drémeadow was going well.

 

 Kiran learned that the king and his people had been put on edge by several incidences of narrow misses with marauders bent on bullying the small folk for whose safety Hrothgar Foxtrot was held responsible.  There had been injuries to several hobbits patrolling the borders. The paladin proposed that Drémeadow would send supplies with the understanding that Cancalia was expected to send a unit of trustworthy men to assist in protecting the more exposed areas of the border. At that point, the king had accepted, then invited the paladin to stay through the New Year. Kiran accepted the invitation, knowing accepting Drémeadow’s hospitality would prove to Cancalia’s advantage. Besides, it was uncharacteristic of a notoriously generous land to turn stingy without reason. The hobbits’ adamant refusal to give up some of their surplus of medical supplies to help a country needing them was shocking. Kiran felt it his duty to establish whether the matter ran deeper than marauder attacks

.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As Kiran strolled down the long cobblestone walkway and through the ornately decorated wooden gate towards the village to grab a drink at a local tavern before it closed for the holiday, his dark eyes vigilantly swept his surroundings looking for signs of trouble. The hobbits outside the palace were in high spirits. Tiny hobbit children barely surpassing Kiran’s knee were racing up and down pathways, chasing balls and each other, shouting and shrieking with delight. Carts were trundling along the cobblestone roads in both directions, most headed towards the city’s commercial district but some back towards what Kiran knew to be Hardscrabble’s residential areas. Groups of them were clustered outside shops laughing and gossiping merrily. Even some of the feral cats were at play- a pair of them was alternating between chasing each other around the doorstep of a shop that sold fish and placing their front paws on the door as though hoping to get fed fish.

 

The only people who seemed to be showing signs of stress were the royal family and their staff themselves, but Kiran knew it was because they were getting ready for the Pre-New Year’s Banquet- they had quite a lot to do. The two sons and two daughters, who ranged in age from eighteen to thirty-one, had been sent off in various directions that morning to procure chairs from relatives. All of them had since returned and proceeded to other duties, but everything appeared to be in order. So why was the paladin unable to shake the feeling that something was terribly wrong?

 

The young man entered a tavern called the Banging Hedgehog and ordered a barley ale at the bar. After the young bartender poured the drink and he paid, the paladin selected a table near the back of the crowded tavern that offered an excellent vantage point for people-watching. One table seemed immersed in a card game. Another group was swatting a wooden ball back and forth to each other. Still another seemed to be drinking out of each other’s glasses, all of which had a different drink in it. A fourth party was belting out a drinking song Kiran could only assume was a local one, as he’d never heard it before.  Several tables were covered in plates of food. He could overhear snippets of several conversations, all of which seemed to feature exchanges of local news, family news, comments on the holiday and the crowd and the frigid weather, and discussion of the king’s upcoming feast.

 

            Kiran heaved a long, low sigh, taking a swig. The ale was doing nothing to assuage his discomfiture, yet the worst misdeed he could see was hobbits sneaking food off the plates of relatives or friends. There was nobody lurking acting in a manner that suggested they were up to no good. Nobody was lurking near the box containing gold, silver, and copper, nor was anyone paying more attention to another patron of the tavern than they ought. People back in Northchester seemed to behave much worse.  Then again, his status as constable might skew his viewpoint, Kiran thought. He knew far too much about crime in his city.  He had yet to witness anything remotely resembling so much as a tavern brawl in Drémeadow.

 

            Not that life was perfect here. Kiran had learned of several things that did not sit well with him since the paladin had entered Drémeadow.  Firstly, there was the matter of the orc guards, which had troubled Kiran the instant he had seen them. When he’d inquired about their presence, he was told the orcs had been brought in after trouble with bandits in the southern region of the kingdom. Kiran also learned that the individual behind that decision, which he privately felt to be a bad idea, was an adviser named Jarmir Esteel.

 

 Esteel was another concern. Evidently, he had persuaded the king that the hobbits would be unable to defend themselves against foreign bandits unless they had assistance from larger and fiercer race than themselves, hence the presence of the orcs. Furthermore Jarmir Esteel was effectively steering Drémeadow into isolating itself. Kiran had overheard him discouraging the king from giving food to an elf nation that had suffered a loss of vegetation from fire, insisting that Drémeadow had been overly generous to other lands in the past and suggesting that other kingdoms were taking advantage of the kindness of Drémeadow and “exaggerating minor problems to garner sympathy.” Seeing him manipulating the ruler was enough to suggest that Esteel did not mean well. The paladin was now in a quandary over how to handle the situation. It hardly helped that Hrothgar Foxtrot was Drémeadow’s first-ever king. Drémeadow had been governed by an elected body called the Council that had been voted upon every four years from whenever it was founded until 3010 by the Standard Calendar, during which Drémeadow had converted to a monarchy after suffering over a decade of economic hardship and instability. Hrothgar, one of the most prominent and respected Councilors, had been selected in the Drémeadow Council’s final meeting, and thus the Foxtrots became the royal line.

 

A third worry was a matter regarding the royal family itself. When the paladin had entered the kingdom, he’d believed there were two princesses and two princes: 31-year-old Nora, 26-year-old Jillian, 22-year-old Odo, and 18-year-old Folco. However, Kiran had overheard a conversation between Folco and the unnerving Jarmir Esteel. In this exchange, during which the young prince had sounded a combination of nervous and defiant while the king’s adviser sounded almost amused, Esteel had superciliously uttered words Kiran could not shake from his head. “You really ought to be more careful, Folco Foxtrot. I daresay you wouldn’t want to end up like your sister, now, would you?” he had said. After Jarmir had left the cell in which the prince was to be locked for three days as retribution for a serious mishap that had nearly gotten a ten-year-old child killed, a deeply puzzled Kiran had entered and inquired about the conversation. Folco had responded with evasiveness. When pressed, he had told Kiran he was talking about Jillian. The young prince had also mentioned that the family archives. The next morning, Kiran accessed these and noticed that some of the records had been tampered with. He had also located a box that contained ribbons and medals related to archery, including one specifying a lass who had been sixteen in 3002. There was a major issue. Someone who was sixteen in 3002 would be twenty-eight or twenty-nine now. Neither known princess was that age.

 

When Kiran returned to tell Folco his findings, the young hobbit looked exceptionally uncomfortable. After gentle coaxing from the paladin, the youth muttered that he’d had a sister named Xenia who had died, then made him promise not to tell anyone at all he’d said anything. “It would greatly upset my parents. It was really hard on us all, you have no idea…” the prince said in an odd voice. “Don’t bring my sister up or mention her to anyone. Please.”

 

Kiran still wondered about the truth of Folco’s claim. There was no sign of an untimely death among the documents. However, he’d tactfully chosen not to press the matter, believing that if Folco was misrepresenting the matter in any way it was not out of malicious intent. He could not, however, repress the feeling that there was a lot more to the story of Xenia Foxtrot than her younger brother was willing or permitted to tell. Regardless, the paladin hoped to learn more, particularly since Jarmir Esteel had obviously reminded the young prince of what had happened to the girl in order to intimidate him. What was Xenia’s story? Why was her youngest brother so reluctant to speak of her?

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After Kiran finished his ale, he returned to the Halfling palace, intending to inquire whether there he might assist with preparations for the feast. He’d been granted free rein in the palace, so the paladin did not need to go through any of the king’s staff to talk to Hrothgar. He paused at the door of the king’s study, seeing that the four sons and daughters were standing in front of their father’s desk. The older three were dutifully nodding, but the youngest looked frustrated.

 

“Father!”  the young prince complained, throwing his hands up. “You never said we had to be doing stuff all day!”

 

The harried king raised both eyebrows at his son before his golden brown eyes met Kiran’s. He held up one hand, mouthing “one moment, please” before returning a sharp gaze to his child. “Folco. You knew there was to be a major banquet tonight. You have known this for a long while. You are perfectly aware that when we have major events, you are expected to be assisting with tasks related to the event. Stop…”

 

 “I helped to bring extra chairs all the way from the other side of Hardscrabble this morning!” interjected the adolescent. He was met with a stern look.

“Folco. Your sisters and brother are accepting their duties without complaint. They, too, have other things they prefer doing, yet they are doing their share to ensure everything goes smoothly. I need you to do the same. Furthermore, we have a guest waiting to speak with me, and you are being indecorous.”

 

“But…”

 

“Silence!” Folco fell quiet. “As I told you before, give as much help in the kitchen as is needed.”

 

“But Lindo and Linda have a whole bunch of their cousins over from the Hills East! The other Riverses, the Shores AND the Gladdens! I haven’t seen their cousins since September! They’re only here until tomorrow and  I promised Lindo I’d drop by to visit with them all. It’s not like I’ll be able to during the feast since obviously I have to be with the family for that! This is sounf-”

 

Hrothgar Foxtrot rubbed the skin over his left temple hard, glowering. “What is unfair is how you are currently wasting valuable preparation time by acting like a petulant child. You will need to explain to your friend that you have obligations to the family and Drémeadow that currently supersede your plans. Do I make myself clear?” The adolescent grudgingly nodded, biting back a retort. “Now then. You all have my leave to go help where I told you. That includes you, Folco Foxtrot.”

 

The young Foxtrots all inclined their heads towards their father- Folco was still scowling- and departed the room. Kiran inclined his own head as they passed before entering the study. Once inside, Kiran gave a respectful bow. “Your Majesty.”

 

“Good afternoon, Kiran,” Hrothgar said, sounding weary. He rubbed a hand unconsciously against his temple, pushing age-loosened skin upwards. “How is your day so far? How may I be of assistance?”

 

“It is well, thanks, Your Majesty,” replied Kiran. “I was just wondering whether I might be of assistance in any way, since I know you have much to do to prepare for tonight?”

 

The king delivered a small smile. “Everything is proceeding well for now. I apologize for my son’s misbehavior, by the way, he knows he ought not to conduct himself as he did just now. We will need help with welcoming the lines into the Great Hall, and ensuring that everyone is in their proper place in line, for that matter. I do not doubt there will be hobbits who believe they could enter sooner than their place number, nor that there will be some who will attempt to sneak in. “

 

“I would be happy to help, Your Highness.”

 

The king gave an appreciative nod, and then commenced explaining what the paladin was to do. “There are 285 numbers. It was checked and double-checked to ensure there are no duplicates or missing numbers. In my guest instructions, I informed them that they would be in danger of losing their place if they lost their placecards. There is to be another line for anyone who wishes to enter but did not get a place or who has lost their card. There is a list of who corresponds to what number, so if someone gives both their name and number, whoever has the line they’re in can check and make sure the name and claimed number correspond to one other. If the guest claims not to remember their missing number, they will have no choice but to go in the line for people who are not guaranteed entry. Do you understand me?”

 

“Yes, Your Majesty.”

 

“Do you need me to repeat the information?”

 

“I just want to make sure I heard right, sire,” Kiran said. “So the cards from one through 285, and every number has a name with it on a list we will be given? Everyone must stand in numerical order and show their place cards or correctly state their name and number?”

 

“That is correct,” replied King Hrothgar. “The list of who has what number will be given to you when the lines start. I have instructed my queen and children to be ready at five-thirty for the lines to start at six. I know people will try to come early, but my guards will not permit them onto the grounds until we are ready for them to do so. Do you have any questions?”

 

“No, Your Majesty.”

 

“Excellent,” said the king. “Thank you. You have my leave to go.”

 

Kiran exited the room with a bow. He was thinking that he would briefly visit Nont’im at the nearby inn in which the cleric was staying when he noticed Folco talking to a hobbit who looked to be somewhere from his late thirties to his forties. The hobbit was gesturing towards the kitchen, and he caught the phrase “in your stead”. Kiran immediately gathered that the older hobbit was offering to take over Folco’s post in the kitchens.

 

“I don’t know, my father said I must…” Folco said dubiously, his dark brown eyes wandering longingly towards the main entrance of the palace.

 

“I will tell your father if he comes in that I offered to take your place, Your Highness,” the older hobbit replied, unconsciously running his hand through his graying hair. “If you wish, I will assure him that you were properly carrying your weight before I came in and noticed that you looked tired and needed a break. You did have an archery tournament two days ago and spent all day yesterday traveling all over Drémeadow delivering placecards to speed up the post’s process, did you not, if I remember what your mother said correctly? And were you not fetching chairs today because there was nobody on the staff who could because they had other tasks?”

 

Folco nodded, then crinkled his brow. “Are you sure, Kirk? Didn’t you just get back from a journey abroad? Don’t you want to rest?”

 

Kirk shook his head. “Thank you, Your Highness, but I’m not tired. Besides, I know you to be an honorable sort of fellow who does not generally renege on promises to friends.”

 

Folco beamed. “Very well then. Thanks! I owe you one!” he said brightly before running towards the main door leading out of the Halfling palace. He stopped a few feet from this exit, calling over his shoulder, “Send word if you need my help, will you? The Riverses and I will not be far from the palace. Lindo said something about his siblings- they’re younger- wanting to play Hide and Seek and this area will be far better than downtown, which is bound to be crowded, or his place. More places to hide.” He turned to directly face Kirk. “Anyway, send word.”

 

“Naturally, Your Highness,” the hobbit called Kirk said, sweeping through the door to the kitchens with an oddly eager spring to his step that the paladin attributed to holiday merriment. Prince Folco gave Kiran a nod of acknowledgement and a small grin before hastening towards the exit to join his friend Lindo.

 

Author's Note

Author’s note: The term “hobbit” is borrowed from Tolkien. A few minor details, namely things like names of gods, were borrowed for Dungeons and Dragons. The borrowed details will disappear once we devise our own names. Also, is this too long? Too much exposition? Did I repeat myself on anything too much? I’ll greatly appreciate any reviews leaving advice on improving the story!

Reviews

[Craig2591]

I think this is written well and saw no obvious errors. Good description. The characters seem believable. My only problem is with the orcs. Unless I missed something, they seemed to appear halfway through this chapter from out of nowhere. Also, as a huge Tolkien fan, I picture orcs as evil. What are they doing at this banquet?

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

What are they doing there indeed (= They are quite evil. I may add a chapter or two before this one where Kiran specifically asks about them after noticing them. I've been thinking about some buildup, though may need a new hook if I add that chapter or two. You have a very good point though

[Craig2591]

At this point I don't know what you have in mind, but if you just show him wondering to himself about the orcs and then explain their presence in a later chapter it might be a quick and easy fix.

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Good idea, especially since the incidents I'm thinking of, for most part, don't do much more than show more depth to the characters' personalities, though there are a couple of things Kiran shrugs off at time that transpire to be of paramount significance as he realizes in hindsight.

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

I'm trying out this paragraph: Kiran was grateful none of the orc guards were out here dealing with incoming partygoers. He’d known about and felt disquieted by their presence ever since he’d entered Drémeadow. King Hrothgar, when asked, had told him his advisor Jarmir Esteel had suggested the orcs. Jarmir’s reasoning was that orcs were bigger and thus useful for protecting Drémeadow denizens in ways his own race could not- through brute strength- but he was far from satisfied. Though none of the orcs had done anything, he did not trust them. He could not forget the way their eyes had malevolently followed him after they noticed the holy symbol of his god. Then there were the various horror stories about orcs around the continent to consider, not to mention his own personal experiences. Presumably the orcs in the employ of Drémeadow’s king were better behaved than most, as Kiran had seen no signs of wanton destruction, but it seemed too good to be true that the orcs were refraining from trouble. Orcs were notoriously difficult to control. What was keeping them from acting like orcs?

[Craig2591]

Perfect! It explains a lot.

[C. Rose]

asked the little girl dubiously - Here the word dubiously is already understood by what the girl says and distracts from the dialogue which is well written enough not to need explaining that she is dubious.
rebuked the brood's mother - rebuked his mother is more straightforward. I hesitate with this line because you could leave it, but for the sake of generally being more straightforward - I mention it.

Lindo takes the invitations and walks up to the prince. Where did the prince come from? Did Folco come outside or did the Rivers family go through the guards and inside the palace. Why is the prince accepting invitations? (That could be defended as a Dremeadow custom but typically I would find it old that the Prince himself is checking invitations). If the Rivers family is now inside the Palace, did Kiran go with them? Is this from Kiran's POV?

The relationship between Folco and Lindo made me happy. I also like that despite using nonstandard names, you kept them simple enough and different enough from each other that I am not confused about who is who.

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

It's outside the palace, looking through now to see what can be done to make it clearer. It is tradition that they check invitations- I attempted to clarify that in the opening paragraphs, as well as calling attention to the nearby guards making sure everything's okay with them. (I also added a side joke between Lindo and Folco to further place them as outside- I can see Folco giving Lindo directions as though he hasn't been there dozens of times.

[C. Rose]

Paragraph 4 and more.
“This family, whom he knew to have the surname, Rivers was too”
- the comma should go after Rivers. Personally I call these “comma brackets”. I don't know the real name. Whenever you use “comma brackets” the sentence should be able to function normally if you were to remove everything withing the comma brackets. “This family Rivers was too” doesn't work. “This family was too” works.
Enter before the quote “I can scarcely believe...”

I felt it odd that Kiran is acquainted with Lindo, yet the second time Lindo's name comes up a standard age description is tagged on.

After the little girl was blunt (which was fun to read), I assumed Lindo was responding to her. Consider having the girl's parents shush her or somesuch before having Kiran turn back to the Rivers family. - Also – it feels like Lindo waited too long (the girl's conversation and Kiran's smile) to do a quick “Don't be daft” comeback and still have it be relevant to the start of the conversation buried in paragraph 4.. [EDIT TO REVIEW: I just realized Lindo is responding to the first thing the girl said. The point remains that this conversation is not 100% clear, although it is more clear than I originally assumed.]

I recognize listening to conversations in a crowd is difficult to describe, and you are almost there. With a little more visual I believe it will be clearer.

[C. Rose]

Congrats on using WHOM correctly. I had to look that up to be sure.

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Tried some tweaks, hope it's working better now! I also removed the extended age description. I'm assuming it's apparent by the end of the Folco/Lindo exchange that they're about the same age

[C. Rose]

Paragraph 3 is quite long, especially for the beginning of a book – don't want to intimidate the readers away. Consider entering after party-goers so that the clue that there is a party in the palace doesn't get buried.
I feel like you are implying Kiran has yet to see an orc in Dremeadow, but then you mention personal experiences. Did the “malevolently followed” happen in Dremeadow or elsewhere?
Is Hrothgar king of Dremeadow or Cancalia? I assume Hrothgar is king of Dremeadow. So has Kiran already spoken to the king personally and is now returning to Dremeadow palace by waiting in line and feeling awkward? It felt a little telling that Kiran is thinking about when the King told him Jarmir's motivation. I assume “he did not trust them” is probably reverting back to Kiran's perspective – but “he was far from satisfied” I could read as either Hrothgar or Kiran.
At this point I am guessing the POV character is Kiran, but as Kiran has yet to do anything yet but think about what others think about him and a conversation with the king – I am not positive.
Very sneak typo: “devastatimng” has an'm' in the 'ing'.

Is there any way Kiran's thoughts could be triggered by seeing an orc? That way you could show us what they looked like in your world and the tangent would be more natural. Or is there a reason the orcs aren't out? - If so don't tell me and spoil the surprise, I'll get there.

Tangent 1: (I know Dremeadow has an accent but review boxes don't have fancy insert character features so I'm always going to call it Dremeadow)
Tangent 2: Is Dremeadow pronounced like “Dre” rhyming with grey/gray and Meadow like Meadow?

In summary – careful of ambiguous pronouns. Careful not to tell. Is there any way the flashback about Jarmir being the one to suggest orcs could be done in conversation later in the chapter?

[C. Rose]

Yay - The 'left side being cut off glitch' is gone.
Don't know if my netbook just stopped being stupid or if you took care of it, but either way Yay.

I've figured out a better way of explaining why I am criticizing your descriptions - after all you are describing.
***It's like you've drawn vibrant characters against a grey back drop. You hinted at the season in the first line and you hinted at the location in the first line of the second paragraph.

I peeked ahead and am loving the foreshadowing "orcs are notoriously difficult to control/what is keeping them in line" bit. Unfortunately I already know about a certain character who we later find out is evil so I don't get to be surprised.

[C. Rose]

First parapraph:
Devoid stuck out to me. In my opinion uncommon words should be used to either enhance description or simplify. Saying "without" would be simpler than "devoid of" - and the main visual here is the hobbits and what they would usually be wearing. Devoid is not a key idea and it distracts from the hobbits.

Second paragraph:
Congregated stuck out to me. Gathered would be more straight forward and in this sentence I am more interested in what they are gathering around. Speaking of which: I'd like more visual. I can see the hobbits and what they are wearing - but what kind of palace is this? Is the surrounding area dirt or paved with stone? Are there trees and shrubs or is this a more desert climate? Is it a grand palace? Are there towers? Is there a surrounding wall?
You don't have to answer all of these questions - but give me enough that I can see where the hobbits are.

"Guards in garments of red, brown and gold stood back at a distance, carefully watching the five at the front of the lines checking the sheets of parchment in the hands of the respective families at the head."
Got an extra space between gold and stood, and between the and sheets. Structurally there is no verb in this sentence ... so it isn't a sentence right now. It is also a little confusing which subject is doing what. I recommend having a sentence describing the guards: what they are wearing, how far away are they observing from (clarify if they are up in a defensive position or if there is one guard per line on the ground like an amusement park).


"Four of the five, hobbits ranging in age from eighteen to thirty-three, wore the most expensive garb of all. Their gold jewelry and hair ornaments glistened in the sinking sun."
I would put the the comma after hobbits and before ranging "of the five hobbits, ranging".
Later you reveal that the fifth hobbit is a human. I don't recommend messing with the reader so soon. You are establishing a first scene; you need the reader to trust you. What about just cutting the word hobbit from this sentence.

In general paragraph threw me as I had to reread to see it. When you said the hobbits congregated I assumed you just meant in a group. Then there were lines, which I figured out are lines for getting into the palace. When you said their clothing was the best they could afford - I was confused about what class they were, like they are poor/middle class but dressed as nicely as they can - or upper class dressed outrageously? When you group the 'hobbits' at the front of each line - I was thrown again. They aren't together, they are all in different lines, it is just for the sake of comparison. I get it now, but I had to stop.

My main point is more 'stage directions' would help.
You need to 'ground' the scene.
What are they standing on? Is it hot?, but most importantly where are they? You told me the capital city outside the palace - but you skipped 'showing' me where they are.

As a side note, I notice the left side of the writing is cut off - is this just a glitch from my side or something you could fix with changing font size etc.?

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

On the first paragraph, changed wording up a bit.

Second paragraph: Yah, that's definitely a thing with me that I've come to realize needs to be worked- when I'm not doing flowery sentences several lines in length, I'm neglecting what one of my other reviewers referred to as something like "passive description," possibly because I have a preference for action, dialogue and things moving quickly myself. I tried to add in some subtleties with the description as well, such as explaining what made it stand out next to everything around it.

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Aaaaaand owing to my piece of junk phone glitching out and my internet going snail pace, not to mention feeling the need to blog about my race today, in the space of two hours did a grand total of... two paragraphs expanding and multiplying. Grrrr. Now it's time to sleep ]= Anyhoo. More description to the point where I'm worried about it being excessive because nothing's happening right away! It is necessary though, I like the analogy of the gray background you used [= I also posted the abandoned chapter I mentioned as a standalone story called "Cart Capers"- to summarize, it includes things like a conversation between Kiran and the king and tomfoolery on the part of Lindo and Folco

[C. Rose]

LOL. I started rereading this about 20 minutes ago and didn't see the changes, but kept going. Glad I happened to refresh!

[C. Rose]

Minor edit. Missing space before "Dozens" in the first paragraph.

[C. Rose]

Missing words in "Not only was very large" and "Evidence garden"...

[C. Rose]

*evidenced

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Fixed, thanks!

[C. Rose]

Oh! and you changed the first line :D I like this much better.

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Thanks! Trying to move whole beginning to Kiran's eyes, changing more once I'm not overwhelmed by volume of omniscient

[Kate Green]

I like how you took the time to set the scene here, I had a good view of the setting before anything even happened. Really great descriptions. And you added in some backstory here as well, perhaps a little foreshadowing on those orcs.

One thing: "His thin, straight eyebrows deepened into a frown." - Furrowed might work better, I'm not sure how eyebrows can frown. :)

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Thanks so much! I'm glad you noticed the part with those orcs [= I'll look for and rephrase that sentence.

[emme_wraith]

Hi, I was confused at who was who when you started talking about the characters by name. I have to disagree with the other commentators -I think you need more of a hook. Keep in mind that I'm not a Talkies fan and hate his writing and that this specific genre really only has one audience. I would like to know why everyone thinks Kiran must be innocent. Maybe add some character development before jumping into the plot. It was very good, just not a style of writing everyone will like.

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Hey, thanks for sticking it out through the chapter and reviewing even though fantasy is not your thing! [= I also appreciate the constructive criticism you've delivered. I could show more somewhere, perhaps in dialogue with two of the king's subjects arguing with each other or something, why they'd have doubts about the king's rash judgment (and add emphasis on the fact that there are plenty who do think himn guilty as well. The phrase "everyone thinks Kiran must be innocent" is definitely telling that I need to shed light on those who won't question if he's guilty, too.

[AMMD]

Good use of imagery and dialogue. LOVE that you've chosen to expand upon Tolkien's work. Look forward to reading further chapters...

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Thanks so much!

[jjwilbourne]

Way to start off with a BANG!
I love the velocity of this scene. This is the kind of thing that would make me think. "Okay, I gotta know what happens."
Wording was nice as well as the description. Just wonderful.
Only one issue: Perhaps there are different procedures in your world, but diplomats don't tend to be trialed in a foreign land. I think. Perhaps I'm mistaken.
A small technicality if I'm not completely off.
I can tell this story is going to be wild.

I should also point out that since you're working on this story at the same time, it might do well for you to secure a decent amount of sympathy for the queen prior to this book to help with the emotional resonance.

Your gift for story is clear. I'm excited to read more.

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Thank you so much! I will have to look for a way to make sure the reader cares more about Queen Arabella