Wee Bit Unusual

Kiran, a young paladin visiting the land of Dremeadow on a diplomatic mission for his lord, unexpectedly finds himself accused of causing the death of Dremeadow's queen.

            This was an unusual way to spend the last day of the year, Kiran Mani thought, adjusting the fastening on his cloak and straightening his muffler before passing through the wooden main doors of the palace. He’d  anticipated being in Cancalia conducting his duties as the constable of the Northchester city guard under his employer Duke Ivan’s instructions, celebrating at a tavern or inn with Nont’im and his women of the moment, or even visiting his adoptive father down in the city of Cadvashire.

 

            However, a week ago the paladin had been dispatched to Hardscrabble, Drémeadow by Duke Ivan’s son to discuss medical supplies with the Drémeadow hobbits’ king, Hrothgar Foxtrot. The journey north passed smoothly; he’d evaded the bandits that typically troubled unpatrolled roads in remote areas. It was only when he had reached Drémeadow that Kiran had felt as though something were terribly wrong, even though visibly everything seemed well. Ultimately, the young paladin decided that perhaps it was the absence of trouble putting him on edge. He was too accustomed to turmoil  to feel at ease all was well.

 

Despite his persistent misgivings, the stay in Drémeadow was going well.

 

 Kiran learned that the king and his people had been put on edge by several incidences of narrow misses with marauders bent on bullying the small folk for whose safety Hrothgar Foxtrot was held responsible.  There had been injuries to several hobbits patrolling the borders. The paladin proposed that Drémeadow would send supplies with the understanding that Cancalia was expected to send a unit of trustworthy men to assist in protecting the more exposed areas of the border. At that point, the king had accepted, then invited the paladin to stay through the New Year. Kiran accepted the invitation, knowing accepting Drémeadow’s hospitality would prove to Cancalia’s advantage. Besides, it was uncharacteristic of a notoriously generous land to turn stingy without reason. The hobbits’ adamant refusal to give up some of their surplus of medical supplies to help a country needing them was shocking. Kiran felt it his duty to establish whether the matter ran deeper than marauder attacks

.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As Kiran strolled down the long cobblestone walkway and through the ornately decorated wooden gate towards the village to grab a drink at a local tavern before it closed for the holiday, his dark eyes vigilantly swept his surroundings looking for signs of trouble. The hobbits outside the palace were in high spirits. Tiny hobbit children barely surpassing Kiran’s knee were racing up and down pathways, chasing balls and each other, shouting and shrieking with delight. Carts were trundling along the cobblestone roads in both directions, most headed towards the city’s commercial district but some back towards what Kiran knew to be Hardscrabble’s residential areas. Groups of them were clustered outside shops laughing and gossiping merrily. Even some of the feral cats were at play- a pair of them was alternating between chasing each other around the doorstep of a shop that sold fish and placing their front paws on the door as though hoping to get fed fish.

 

The only people who seemed to be showing signs of stress were the royal family and their staff themselves, but Kiran knew it was because they were getting ready for the Pre-New Year’s Banquet- they had quite a lot to do. The two sons and two daughters, who ranged in age from eighteen to thirty-one, had been sent off in various directions that morning to procure chairs from relatives. All of them had since returned and proceeded to other duties, but everything appeared to be in order. So why was the paladin unable to shake the feeling that something was terribly wrong?

 

The young man entered a tavern called the Banging Hedgehog and ordered a barley ale at the bar. After the young bartender poured the drink and he paid, the paladin selected a table near the back of the crowded tavern that offered an excellent vantage point for people-watching. One table seemed immersed in a card game. Another group was swatting a wooden ball back and forth to each other. Still another seemed to be drinking out of each other’s glasses, all of which had a different drink in it. A fourth party was belting out a drinking song Kiran could only assume was a local one, as he’d never heard it before.  Several tables were covered in plates of food. He could overhear snippets of several conversations, all of which seemed to feature exchanges of local news, family news, comments on the holiday and the crowd and the frigid weather, and discussion of the king’s upcoming feast.

 

            Kiran heaved a long, low sigh, taking a swig. The ale was doing nothing to assuage his discomfiture, yet the worst misdeed he could see was hobbits sneaking food off the plates of relatives or friends. There was nobody lurking acting in a manner that suggested they were up to no good. Nobody was lurking near the box containing gold, silver, and copper, nor was anyone paying more attention to another patron of the tavern than they ought. People back in Northchester seemed to behave much worse.  Then again, his status as constable might skew his viewpoint, Kiran thought. He knew far too much about crime in his city.  He had yet to witness anything remotely resembling so much as a tavern brawl in Drémeadow.

 

            Not that life was perfect here. Kiran had learned of several things that did not sit well with him since the paladin had entered Drémeadow.  Firstly, there was the matter of the orc guards, which had troubled Kiran the instant he had seen them. When he’d inquired about their presence, he was told the orcs had been brought in after trouble with bandits in the southern region of the kingdom. Kiran also learned that the individual behind that decision, which he privately felt to be a bad idea, was an adviser named Jarmir Esteel.

 

 Esteel was another concern. Evidently, he had persuaded the king that the hobbits would be unable to defend themselves against foreign bandits unless they had assistance from larger and fiercer race than themselves, hence the presence of the orcs. Furthermore Jarmir Esteel was effectively steering Drémeadow into isolating itself. Kiran had overheard him discouraging the king from giving food to an elf nation that had suffered a loss of vegetation from fire, insisting that Drémeadow had been overly generous to other lands in the past and suggesting that other kingdoms were taking advantage of the kindness of Drémeadow and “exaggerating minor problems to garner sympathy.” Seeing him manipulating the ruler was enough to suggest that Esteel did not mean well. The paladin was now in a quandary over how to handle the situation. It hardly helped that Hrothgar Foxtrot was Drémeadow’s first-ever king. Drémeadow had been governed by an elected body called the Council that had been voted upon every four years from whenever it was founded until 3010 by the Standard Calendar, during which Drémeadow had converted to a monarchy after suffering over a decade of economic hardship and instability. Hrothgar, one of the most prominent and respected Councilors, had been selected in the Drémeadow Council’s final meeting, and thus the Foxtrots became the royal line.

 

A third worry was a matter regarding the royal family itself. When the paladin had entered the kingdom, he’d believed there were two princesses and two princes: 31-year-old Nora, 26-year-old Jillian, 22-year-old Odo, and 18-year-old Folco. However, Kiran had overheard a conversation between Folco and the unnerving Jarmir Esteel. In this exchange, during which the young prince had sounded a combination of nervous and defiant while the king’s adviser sounded almost amused, Esteel had superciliously uttered words Kiran could not shake from his head. “You really ought to be more careful, Folco Foxtrot. I daresay you wouldn’t want to end up like your sister, now, would you?” he had said. After Jarmir had left the cell in which the prince was to be locked for three days as retribution for a serious mishap that had nearly gotten a ten-year-old child killed, a deeply puzzled Kiran had entered and inquired about the conversation. Folco had responded with evasiveness. When pressed, he had told Kiran he was talking about Jillian. The young prince had also mentioned that the family archives. The next morning, Kiran accessed these and noticed that some of the records had been tampered with. He had also located a box that contained ribbons and medals related to archery, including one specifying a lass who had been sixteen in 3002. There was a major issue. Someone who was sixteen in 3002 would be twenty-eight or twenty-nine now. Neither known princess was that age.

 

When Kiran returned to tell Folco his findings, the young hobbit looked exceptionally uncomfortable. After gentle coaxing from the paladin, the youth muttered that he’d had a sister named Xenia who had died, then made him promise not to tell anyone at all he’d said anything. “It would greatly upset my parents. It was really hard on us all, you have no idea…” the prince said in an odd voice. “Don’t bring my sister up or mention her to anyone. Please.”

 

Kiran still wondered about the truth of Folco’s claim. There was no sign of an untimely death among the documents. However, he’d tactfully chosen not to press the matter, believing that if Folco was misrepresenting the matter in any way it was not out of malicious intent. He could not, however, repress the feeling that there was a lot more to the story of Xenia Foxtrot than her younger brother was willing or permitted to tell. Regardless, the paladin hoped to learn more, particularly since Jarmir Esteel had obviously reminded the young prince of what had happened to the girl in order to intimidate him. What was Xenia’s story? Why was her youngest brother so reluctant to speak of her?

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After Kiran finished his ale, he returned to the Halfling palace, intending to inquire whether there he might assist with preparations for the feast. He’d been granted free rein in the palace, so the paladin did not need to go through any of the king’s staff to talk to Hrothgar. He paused at the door of the king’s study, seeing that the four sons and daughters were standing in front of their father’s desk. The older three were dutifully nodding, but the youngest looked frustrated.

 

“Father!”  the young prince complained, throwing his hands up. “You never said we had to be doing stuff all day!”

 

The harried king raised both eyebrows at his son before his golden brown eyes met Kiran’s. He held up one hand, mouthing “one moment, please” before returning a sharp gaze to his child. “Folco. You knew there was to be a major banquet tonight. You have known this for a long while. You are perfectly aware that when we have major events, you are expected to be assisting with tasks related to the event. Stop…”

 

 “I helped to bring extra chairs all the way from the other side of Hardscrabble this morning!” interjected the adolescent. He was met with a stern look.

“Folco. Your sisters and brother are accepting their duties without complaint. They, too, have other things they prefer doing, yet they are doing their share to ensure everything goes smoothly. I need you to do the same. Furthermore, we have a guest waiting to speak with me, and you are being indecorous.”

 

“But…”

 

“Silence!” Folco fell quiet. “As I told you before, give as much help in the kitchen as is needed.”

 

“But Lindo and Linda have a whole bunch of their cousins over from the Hills East! The other Riverses, the Shores AND the Gladdens! I haven’t seen their cousins since September! They’re only here until tomorrow and  I promised Lindo I’d drop by to visit with them all. It’s not like I’ll be able to during the feast since obviously I have to be with the family for that! This is sounf-”

 

Hrothgar Foxtrot rubbed the skin over his left temple hard, glowering. “What is unfair is how you are currently wasting valuable preparation time by acting like a petulant child. You will need to explain to your friend that you have obligations to the family and Drémeadow that currently supersede your plans. Do I make myself clear?” The adolescent grudgingly nodded, biting back a retort. “Now then. You all have my leave to go help where I told you. That includes you, Folco Foxtrot.”

 

The young Foxtrots all inclined their heads towards their father- Folco was still scowling- and departed the room. Kiran inclined his own head as they passed before entering the study. Once inside, Kiran gave a respectful bow. “Your Majesty.”

 

“Good afternoon, Kiran,” Hrothgar said, sounding weary. He rubbed a hand unconsciously against his temple, pushing age-loosened skin upwards. “How is your day so far? How may I be of assistance?”

 

“It is well, thanks, Your Majesty,” replied Kiran. “I was just wondering whether I might be of assistance in any way, since I know you have much to do to prepare for tonight?”

 

The king delivered a small smile. “Everything is proceeding well for now. I apologize for my son’s misbehavior, by the way, he knows he ought not to conduct himself as he did just now. We will need help with welcoming the lines into the Great Hall, and ensuring that everyone is in their proper place in line, for that matter. I do not doubt there will be hobbits who believe they could enter sooner than their place number, nor that there will be some who will attempt to sneak in. “

 

“I would be happy to help, Your Highness.”

 

The king gave an appreciative nod, and then commenced explaining what the paladin was to do. “There are 285 numbers. It was checked and double-checked to ensure there are no duplicates or missing numbers. In my guest instructions, I informed them that they would be in danger of losing their place if they lost their placecards. There is to be another line for anyone who wishes to enter but did not get a place or who has lost their card. There is a list of who corresponds to what number, so if someone gives both their name and number, whoever has the line they’re in can check and make sure the name and claimed number correspond to one other. If the guest claims not to remember their missing number, they will have no choice but to go in the line for people who are not guaranteed entry. Do you understand me?”

 

“Yes, Your Majesty.”

 

“Do you need me to repeat the information?”

 

“I just want to make sure I heard right, sire,” Kiran said. “So the cards from one through 285, and every number has a name with it on a list we will be given? Everyone must stand in numerical order and show their place cards or correctly state their name and number?”

 

“That is correct,” replied King Hrothgar. “The list of who has what number will be given to you when the lines start. I have instructed my queen and children to be ready at five-thirty for the lines to start at six. I know people will try to come early, but my guards will not permit them onto the grounds until we are ready for them to do so. Do you have any questions?”

 

“No, Your Majesty.”

 

“Excellent,” said the king. “Thank you. You have my leave to go.”

 

Kiran exited the room with a bow. He was thinking that he would briefly visit Nont’im at the nearby inn in which the cleric was staying when he noticed Folco talking to a hobbit who looked to be somewhere from his late thirties to his forties. The hobbit was gesturing towards the kitchen, and he caught the phrase “in your stead”. Kiran immediately gathered that the older hobbit was offering to take over Folco’s post in the kitchens.

 

“I don’t know, my father said I must…” Folco said dubiously, his dark brown eyes wandering longingly towards the main entrance of the palace.

 

“I will tell your father if he comes in that I offered to take your place, Your Highness,” the older hobbit replied, unconsciously running his hand through his graying hair. “If you wish, I will assure him that you were properly carrying your weight before I came in and noticed that you looked tired and needed a break. You did have an archery tournament two days ago and spent all day yesterday traveling all over Drémeadow delivering placecards to speed up the post’s process, did you not, if I remember what your mother said correctly? And were you not fetching chairs today because there was nobody on the staff who could because they had other tasks?”

 

Folco nodded, then crinkled his brow. “Are you sure, Kirk? Didn’t you just get back from a journey abroad? Don’t you want to rest?”

 

Kirk shook his head. “Thank you, Your Highness, but I’m not tired. Besides, I know you to be an honorable sort of fellow who does not generally renege on promises to friends.”

 

Folco beamed. “Very well then. Thanks! I owe you one!” he said brightly before running towards the main door leading out of the Halfling palace. He stopped a few feet from this exit, calling over his shoulder, “Send word if you need my help, will you? The Riverses and I will not be far from the palace. Lindo said something about his siblings- they’re younger- wanting to play Hide and Seek and this area will be far better than downtown, which is bound to be crowded, or his place. More places to hide.” He turned to directly face Kirk. “Anyway, send word.”

 

“Naturally, Your Highness,” the hobbit called Kirk said, sweeping through the door to the kitchens with an oddly eager spring to his step that the paladin attributed to holiday merriment. Prince Folco gave Kiran a nod of acknowledgement and a small grin before hastening towards the exit to join his friend Lindo.

 

Author's Note

Author’s note: The term “hobbit” is borrowed from Tolkien. A few minor details, namely things like names of gods, were borrowed for Dungeons and Dragons. The borrowed details will disappear once we devise our own names. Also, is this too long? Too much exposition? Did I repeat myself on anything too much? I’ll greatly appreciate any reviews leaving advice on improving the story!

Reviews

[Craig2591]

I think this is written well and saw no obvious errors. Good description. The characters seem believable. My only problem is with the orcs. Unless I missed something, they seemed to appear halfway through this chapter from out of nowhere. Also, as a huge Tolkien fan, I picture orcs as evil. What are they doing at this banquet?

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

What are they doing there indeed (= They are quite evil. I may add a chapter or two before this one where Kiran specifically asks about them after noticing them. I've been thinking about some buildup, though may need a new hook if I add that chapter or two. You have a very good point though

[Craig2591]

At this point I don't know what you have in mind, but if you just show him wondering to himself about the orcs and then explain their presence in a later chapter it might be a quick and easy fix.

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Good idea, especially since the incidents I'm thinking of, for most part, don't do much more than show more depth to the characters' personalities, though there are a couple of things Kiran shrugs off at time that transpire to be of paramount significance as he realizes in hindsight.

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

I'm trying out this paragraph: Kiran was grateful none of the orc guards were out here dealing with incoming partygoers. He’d known about and felt disquieted by their presence ever since he’d entered Drémeadow. King Hrothgar, when asked, had told him his advisor Jarmir Esteel had suggested the orcs. Jarmir’s reasoning was that orcs were bigger and thus useful for protecting Drémeadow denizens in ways his own race could not- through brute strength- but he was far from satisfied. Though none of the orcs had done anything, he did not trust them. He could not forget the way their eyes had malevolently followed him after they noticed the holy symbol of his god. Then there were the various horror stories about orcs around the continent to consider, not to mention his own personal experiences. Presumably the orcs in the employ of Drémeadow’s king were better behaved than most, as Kiran had seen no signs of wanton destruction, but it seemed too good to be true that the orcs were refraining from trouble. Orcs were notoriously difficult to control. What was keeping them from acting like orcs?

[Craig2591]

Perfect! It explains a lot.

[Stefanie Holmes]

You had sent me a read request for another chapter, but I had never read this before so I found the beginning and decided to start from there.

I really enjoyed this story so far and the character development. There is a lot going on here and there, so I would watch that you don't pile too much on for the reader. You don't want to overwhelm our brains! Haha.

Anyway, I truly did enjoy this opening chapter and I will continue reading on as I get the time to.

~Stefanie

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Thanks so much for the review, Stef, and for all your others! I'm trying to do some revisions. I'm almost wondering whether to move everything after the king's accusation of Kiran to another chapter, leaving it at a cliffhanger.

[Roo]

I enjoyed this prologue. I found it a little confusing and still don't like the term Hobbit, but it reads okay. There are grammatical errors, but who doesn't have them. And there are some curious sentences eg. '...His neck, face and ears were virtually the crimson of blood in his wrath.' It doesn't mean a lot to me and it stopped me reading. I also read you piece aloud and found a few moments where I stumbled, because of similar sentences and on occasion the rhythm stopped rocking. eg. 'A lithe figure with long pointed ears and sweeping bottle-green robes with silver lining that highlighted his green eyes emerged from the chamber behind the High Table.' You've got to have a good old breath in your lungs to get through that one.
'The faces of the king and queen's sons and daughters varied in reaction.Though all but Folco were over twenty and thus past the age of legal adulthood, they looked suddenly as uncertain as five-year-olds away from their parents for the first time.' First they were varied but then they all had the appearance of five year olds. The first sentence tells me nothing really and deleting it would not change the paragraph. Therefore get rid of it. You need to simplify some of the sentences. Ask yourself what are you trying to convey. And read it out aloud, so you know when your writing stumbles.
I think, mostly, your rhythm is good and once I got over the second paragraph, complicated ++++, I thought the tale rolled along nicely. And it ended well. Not a hook but the arrest was well timed and I'm inclined to read on.
Roo

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Getting excessively flowery in my writing is definitely one of my flaws, I know I've had English teachers point that out too, particularly because I've tested in the 99th percentile of the American population in vocab! My mind also flies in 20 different directions at once, ADHD issues, so you can imagine what that does!

I'll have to try the read-aloud thing [=

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Looking back over, definitely see what you mean about the second paragraph! I'll definitely do the read through this out loud thing. I'll also speculate on ways to push the chapter to having a hook.

[Roo]

Sorry I've just read your blurb. I am going to trek over to your Democracy's end. I'm assuming from the above message that's where I should start. though as the above is only titled Prologue it is difficult to line up what it is a prologue for. forgive me if I am showing untold stupidity, but I am confused.

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

If I add another chapter between this and "Return to Normalcy" (I suppose I could use another chapter of abnormal events, and perhaps showing Kiran's friendship with the refugees deepening?)

[Roo]

A quick point about how you have set up your writing in Writers Cafe. I have only been able to start this story because it is titled prologue. I have started reading a couple of your pieces only to find they are chapters of a story with preceding chapters. I like to start at the beginning. Can't you set it up so I can find the beginning a little more easily. I had almost given up. But now, after a couple of failed attempts I have found a place to start and will get back to reading your work. it reads well so far. Don't get the Hobbit thing. Are they Hobbits as in Tolkien Hobbits?

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Hey, my apologies for the confusion! I am inconsistent in my RRs as I tend to feel bad flooding people with those- I worry about flooding the RR inbox.

Basically, I have three books in progress, all set in the same universe, although I am striving to write them in a way where one could read the whole series- or they could read a single one as a standalone novel if they wanted.

They do have similarity to Tolkien hobbits, but there's a couple of differences may have to go into somehow when I do the chapter between this one and the

I haven't decided whether to keep this a prologue or make it plain old Chapter 1. I made it a prologue since the next chapter is set a month later and in a completely different place, but if I add the one in between- you've actually given me some ideas- the term "prologue" definitely won't fit.

As for the order, you're correct in "Democracy's End" being the first of the books, although (I hope) this should be comprehensible without reading its predecessor. If you hit any points where you feel like there should have been explanation of previous occurrences, please let me know so I can remedy that foible!

[RobertLA]

This is great! I love the descriptions and general atmosphere, it seems to be something you're really good at. There were a few formatting hiccups here and there, but they really didn't bother me enough to take from the overall feel of this.
Altogether, nice work on this, I think I'll read the next chapter.

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Thank you for the review! Apologies for the formatting hiccups, WC gets quite irritating at times when it comes to pasting chapters over from Word because it makes nonsensical changes in format for no reason. I hope the next chapter seemed as good to you!

[Aleks Edwin]

I loved the start to this, It is a really strong introduction and grabbed my attention! its really gutsy to kill off a main character in the prologue! lol . There is a couple things I have to say on that, though: I would have loved to see more emotion from the royal children on the death of their mother. It happens and all they are worried about is what is in their cups, and Folco only seems set on defending Kiran.

In 'Democracy's end', the Queen and King were worried about how they would be received as royalty and knew the possibility of danger and threats. I don't know what you have planned in the end of 'Democracy' but this seems to be the first real attack on their family and their reign, so I would love to know their reaction to that as well.
If all this is explained in later chapters, please ignore this, haha! Im sure I will discover more as I continue reading, but that was my initial reaction.
Thanks! ~Aleks

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Thank you for the suggestions! You are definitely correct in your guess that this is certainly the first attack to result in bloodshed, though hardly the first of the family's troubles as Democracy will reveal.

I shall work on alluding to their emotions. Since this book is mostly from Kiran's point-of-view, with a few chapters focused on characters such as Folco, Lindo, Kiran's friend Nont'im and other characters, I left out most details on emotion of the princes and princes, but can definitely try adding them.

[Yaseen J Malik]

great start. open world like these are usually combinations of things we like and have seen from other stories!
i felt that the pace was great and the beginning is solid.
the only thing i would change would be the first line "The sun had moved significantly towards the west in the sky." i think it would work better without in the sky" on to the next chapter!

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Thank you! I've made some edits to the story so that the chapter you reviewed is now chapter 1 after a prologue, but I removed "in the sky." It does seem rather redundant!

[Alleyway Rover]

Hello. I picked this up from the Leave a Write, Leave a Review Group and thought I would give this a looksee. I confess that I don’t read a lot of fantasy, so you may have to forgive the odd question or two.

Okay line notes first:

I don’t know why exactly, but I like the name ‘Yowling Bobcat Tavern.” I would go drinking there.

“The 29-year-old man sighed slightly, wishing he was not confined to the indoors dealing with paperwork that was his duty.”
This was confusing for a minute, I thought he was outside while he was thinking this. I eventually figured it out, but it was awkward enough to jolt me out of the story.

“I’m confused,” announced Brenk, his childish voice tinged with a faint whine.
Honestly, by this point so am I. I feel like there’s a lot of backstory here that I’m not getting. More on that later…


Overview:
Overall, a good start. We got the line-up of characters and the conflict and away we go…

I will say this. There is a lot to take in here. Too much, in my opinion. Most of the backstory that is coming out in dialogue can wait until it becomes necessary later. It would add a bit of mystery, ramp up the pace a little and keep readers like me from having to draw up a chart to keep track of everyone and what has happened to them.

So to answer your question, yes I think too much exposition at this time.

Along the same lines, I think the scene between the paladin and the halfling children goes on a little longer the needed. I feel like you weren’t sure where you were taking the conversation maybe and it tends to meander and weave. It could be cut down quite a bit and I think it would add more punch to the coming conflict.

Like I said, good start. I think I will enjoy reading this.

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Thank you so much! You're the second person to comment about the dialogue, so I shall definitely look over it to decide what to send to the chopping block.

As for the backstory, I'm moving on to your review of the next chapter as a reply there! [= I decided to take a stab at starting in medias res at a point where the halflings have been refugees for almost a month and jumping back towards what happened to make them that way. I'm very undecided about whether a more interesting starting point is Folco's disappearance or what happened in Dremeadow. Thank you again for the helpful review!

[CreamLatte]

This feels like a combination of Lord of the Rings, Game of Thrones and Skyrim and I love it. Your style is great and I like the way the story is flowing at the moment. The only criticism I have is how, in some instances, you're showing instead of telling. I know, I know, that's probably not entirely helpful. But things like giving characters definitive ages - it breaks up the mystery of who this group of adolescents are. Details are excellent, but too much detail means the audience can actually have trouble seeing what you're writing... it doesn't give much room for imagination.

Now, with dialogue. I think the dialogue could be cut down a lot. Now, you happen to be quite good with dialogue and I think it's very important to further the story, but it's only necessary if it gives the plot substance. The children's discussion is essential, surely, but I'm not sure Kiran would stand awkwardly for five minutes as they developed their discussion. However, you can't reveal immediately that it is the prince who is missing, so some depth is still required.

All in all, pretty interesting story.

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Thank you so much for the advice; this was a very helpful review! I will definitely consider which details of the kids' conversations are needed, as well as to vary my descriptions of them. [=

[Phoenix]

Hey there look forward to reading more. And its your friend ( Robbin Bott Facebook) anyway I hope you in turn will read some of mine as well.

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Thank you for your review! I just read a set of lyrics for a song I like, and I'm going to have a glance at your books now! If you think of anything that needs improvement, please let me know! [=

[endo rush]

good as is. no need to decrease dialogue. be yourself. erle stanley gardner mostly had dialogues in his perry mason novels.

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Thank you so much, endo rush! By the way, random question, is your name short for endorphin rush? I'm a track athlete so I have to ask and that's the first thing that popped in my head when I saw your name [=

[endo rush]

yup, I trail run regularly. i've experienced runner's high only thrice, though.I had a t shirt made which says WARNING: RUNNING CAUSES HAPPINESS. bUT I'M NO match for you, you seem like a pro

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Trail running is so much fun! [= I'm actually doing some tomorrow for my long day and can't wait!read moreTrail running is so much fun! [= I'm actually doing some tomorrow for my long day and can't wait!

I'm definitely no pro, not quite that fast at either running or even racewalking, but would love to get to that level one day if at all possible!

[endo rush]

I think you also get so many ideas while you run and lose many ideas too because you simply can't remember them all. Even with your cellphone, you simply can't enter all your thoughts, especially during days when ideas flow hard like the current from a waterfall. Then there are days where no ideas come and you grab a book in the library where you work--a book on how to beat writer's block. Bullseye? Did I get it exactly right?

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Well, you got the part of me being inspired by my training right for sure, although in my rare moment of poetry, events in my life are the main influence. I'm definitely prone to losing ideas too, or else I cannot figure out how to fit them into what I already have!

When no ideas come, I usually read a book about character development that I own, revise what I already have, or read fantasy novels.