Vicious Circles

This shadow that sits behind me -
i can sense its presence -
keeping me calm so's not to
protest
Quietly insisting that it knows best
Picks up my arm at the wrist and
reaches for another spliff but
the other arm hasn't missed
the beer that sits to my left
which had previously seemed bereft
now is feeding me
quenching my thirst,
still calming
ignoring the time that flitters
away
ever near a new working day

"you'll pay"
you hear it say   ?
but within the liquid
whispers you forget what was
said but still.

can't remember why you feel dread

you will.

Reviews

[Aron Duhon]

The opening line is very good, because the �shadow� is a well known and forceful image, and fits exactly with the thing that you are trying to describe.

The rest of the poem is good as well, and the metaphor of the shadow functions exactly as it is suppose to,

The addictive process is well described

I like the use of the word �flitters� , that�s a good verb and I would not have thought of it myself, well placed.

The last line is forceful as well, and leaves the reader (me) with a abrupt coldness . I liked the way you did that, and there is a hint of dark irony also that appeals to me.

Anyway, good job

[Raef C. Boylan]

The unusual line breaks mostly come across as a technique to convey the stream of thoughts running throught the narrator's mind, but i think in a few places they seem awkward and could maybe be changed, for example:

"but within the liquid
whispers you forget what was
said but still.

can't remember why you feel dread

you will." - i would put the full stop after "dread" instead of "still", to induce a pause so that the final line "you will" has more impact...yet i think you've maybe tried to create double meanings of sentences?
Like "you forget what was said but still." - "but still" is a way of shrugging something off in dialogue, and then can also be used as "but still can't remember why you feel dread".
Am i understanding what's going on?
Seems like it might be the same thing with
"but within the liquid" = "but within...whispers" and "but within the liquid (are)...whispers".

Without the full stop, this technique could still work, and would come across less as an error...so i'd advise:

"said but still

can't remember why you feel dread.

You will." - the line break and space do the job for you.

Sorry about the long-winded explanation.

I like how you've phrased things in this poem:
"the beer that sits to my left
which had previously seemed bereft
now is feeding me" - i like the implied detachment between narrator and limb, like 'oh, how did this beer get here?...and now it's feeding me!' As well as being kind of funny, it's sad as well because it demonstrates how out-of-control this indulgence can be.

I enjoyed reading this, and think this is a well-written and thoughtful poem. It's clear how much careful crafting has gone into it.

Nice work.
Thanks for posting this.

[Tai Chi Italy]

You want to end that dread with a full stop to over indulgence Jon!lol Yes we will, but I believe that everything in moderation is fine, especially Da Erb!lol Grinning at you, moderating!!!!rofl A little typo 'within' grinning more...Tai

[Alisa Js]

This one to me speaks of the inner conflict we all have and strive with. Interesting perspective you have taken here. One that obviously most can relate to. Aloha

[Aron Duhon]

i did not mean to give this poem 2 stars, i would give it 4 or 5

[Chloe..Across the Unive..]

This is a very striking poem.
I enjoyed it all..

"you'll pay"
you hear it say ?
but whithin the liquid
whispers you forget what was
said but still.

can't remember why you feel dread

you will.

Nice work.

Chloe
xoxo

[Debra Stevens Edwards (..]

This is a very touching piece and disturbing as well. I have felt this when I was sleep deprived. I find reading helps me relax and then I can sleep. You have some errors but since the last review didn't say any thing in the second line i should be I. This is a very good piece.
Debby