Day 118 of 365

Today was a pretty bad day. It started out great. I got to spend the day with my niece. When my dad came home from work around 4:30 pm everything went downhill. The last couple days I've been having problems with my dad. It's like every little thing he does pisses me off. I just want to get out for a couple days but I can't do that. My dad isn't a bad guy he's kind of quiet at least around me. We haven't talked much since last summer when he found out I was smoking. I had just started and now he doesn't talk to me anymore. We were always really close and I never thought he would treat me like just some random person he lives with. I understood at first but it's been one year in June. He barley looks at me now and when he does the look on his face breaks my heart. All I see is disappointment. When people are around he puts on a show and makes everyone think we're this perfect family. When my parents are on the phone with family or friends I listen in and every time they talk about my sister. They always say how proud they are of her how she has a kid and living unmarried with the baby's uncaring father. They talk about my niece (their granddaughter) how big she's gotten how beautiful she is and how she looks like Nikki. Sometimes they talk about me all I hear is yeah, she's still in color guard it's been 5 years now. Then they change the subject that all I get. They spend hours talking about Nikki and my niece... I get all of one sentence. I take care of my niece Monday-Saturday 8am-6:30pm. I'm supposed to be doing my school work but instead I watch her and I stay up til 3 am doing homework. Then I get into trouble for not wanting to wake up at 7 am so I can pick my sister up and have her at work by 8 am. I get into trouble for not wanting to get up but they don't see why I don't want to get up. Anyways so after all of that I thought about James. I want to talk to him so bad but I still don't know what I would say. I don't even know if he wants to talk to me still. People say A crush lasts for about 4 months but if it goes past that then you're already in love. It's been 4 years. I wouldn't be scared to tell him I love him but I'm afraid of his response. I know I shouldn't be but I always have questions or something to say I'm just afraid of the other persons response. After having the best day or worst day he's the person I want to talk to. I want to talk to him when I'm alone at 3 am and the person I want to talk to when I'm with at group of friends at 3 pm. He's the one person I've never doubted. When I close my eyes his face is the one I see. If I'm at my lowest I want to talk to him and When i"m at my highest I still want to talk to him. I want to share everything with him. I want to share all the funny stories and embarrassing moments because he wouldn't think of me any differently. It's currently 1:30 am my time and 10:30 pm and all I want to do is text him. I know I can't because he has work in the morning. He deserves the best in life and I'm not that. I wish I was the best for him but the best for him is anyone but me.

Tara April 28, 2016