When I Am Not

When I Am Not

A Poem by Choosing Life
"

No Where to run to, Baby... No where to hide...

"

 

 

On mute…
I put my heart to sleep.
 Taught myself to feel in stages
And deny what was the truth of my pain.
 
Breaking down wasn’t optional.
Yet it was factual.
My actual existence was nothing more
 Than a shell of what I hoped to be.
I prayed the world couldn’t see me
Because I refused to bleed so openly.
 
But I couldn’t keep the screams silenced.
When I least expected it,
What my mind had rejected began to surface.
 
 
My broken heart spoke loudly for me to tend to it.
No more could I run from myself
And the expectations others made me captive to melted.
I was taught I wasn’t allowed to be human;
My strength determined the potency of others
So I wasn’t allowed to grieve or need anything…
 
My mind computed that I must flee…
The emotions I was entitled to were swallowed.
And in between the past and future I lost me.
 
 
 I lost what I was and who I was to be.
 Sucking up hurt like alcoholics drink booze
 I drowned in my sorrows ignored ~
And hit the snooze on my life
While running so fast in mind
 That tasks at hand kept me bound to not enough time
And I died silently
Afraid to feel the hurt in me that was so real.
 
Afraid to admit I needed help
 A voice outside myself …
 A voice other than God’s…
I needed…
Human touch and empathy.
 
 
Yet needing scared me so,
Because those I needed the most
Always left me holding sand in my hands
Being blown away by the winds of change.
And I stood afraid to cry out for fear
 That even if they heard
They would turn away
 Because no one ever came before…
 
And for all the transparency I let others see,
 They had really seen nothing
 Because I wasn’t even yet transparent to me.
Just now I am unfolding
Seeing so much more than I bargained for,
Because the wounds that I ignored didn’t fade
They remained
And now my pain is crying out
And I have no choice but to address my heart
Or die...
 
So I am still…
 
On mute…
 
I try to put my heart to sleep
But now my thoughts are listening
And they speak…
 
Even when I am not.
 
 

© 2008 Choosing Life


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Featured Review

Oh my god,,,,Choosing Life..... my dear friend, once again you have taken me by storm,,,I kid you not, I felt parts of myself in this that I haven't even felt yet.

This to me is attractive female quality, you strike me at what feels like a place where we are 100% equal

Everytime I read you, you take me to another place, and I am not just saying that.

Posted 14 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

Wow, a beautiful, ghostly poem, full of emotion and hurt... even though the feelings are raw, you have written them so eloquently it pierces the soul. This is brilliantly written and fantastically paced, and the flow of it is stunning. You have created a shinning piece of work here! This really is a beautiful outstanding poem.

Posted 14 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

"I put my heart to sleep.
Taught myself to feel in stages"
breathtaking.
"Afraid to admit I needed help
A voice outside myself �"
these lines are amazing
the emotions are intense
My favorite lines
"So I am still� On mute� I try to put my heart to sleepBut now my thoughts are listeningAnd they speak� Even when I am not."
I enjoyed this piece very much, you should consider doing an evoca of this one, It screams to be heard.
Nice work
thank you for entering my contest
"


Posted 14 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

This is so touching. Beautifully written. Great job.

Posted 14 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

Reading this poem, feeling through this poem, is more like reading through the details of someone's private diary. The words are very intimate: soft and yet churning with sad grief. The picture it paints is so very tragic ... and touching.

Posted 14 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

Oh my god,,,,Choosing Life..... my dear friend, once again you have taken me by storm,,,I kid you not, I felt parts of myself in this that I haven't even felt yet.

This to me is attractive female quality, you strike me at what feels like a place where we are 100% equal

Everytime I read you, you take me to another place, and I am not just saying that.

Posted 14 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.


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Added on February 25, 2008
Last Updated on February 25, 2008

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Choosing Life
Choosing Life

Closer To Me...Nearer to Thee



About
I work and go to school fulltime so sometimes I have to post and run. It is just me and my little Yorkie, Prissy~ I could say more but no need... Read me and know me... Be Well. If you just must kno.. more..

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