Drowned

The cold wind swirls anxiously in the air,

bathing the faces of two still-born lovers with icy,

 delectable palpitations;

they remind one another of how cruel nature can be

 and through their fervor

  separate themselves from the rest of us.

They frolic hand-in-hand along the beach,

 leaving the rest of the world to stand idly by,

  yearning for a single taste of the happiness they share

  but knowing forever that their lives are nothing more than

 drowned, washed up emptiness

compared to the thriving ibis

 fluttering high above the ground

  and totally detached from what lies beneath it.

They're separated by oceans and yet every day

 they dream the other into existence,

  unsure of who precisely they're seeing but understanding fully

 that everyday is filled with sadness

and every night they'll be alone.

 

Reviews

[J]

One nitpick for you to consider... this part:
"fluttering high above the ground
and totally detached from what lies beneath it."
--to--
"fluttering high above the ground,
totally detached from what lies beneath it."
--I personally think the "and" is extraneous here, and actually makes this transition jar; taking it out and replacing it with a comma gives it more impact I guess. Obviously, just my opinion.

With that out of the way, I really do think this is a top-notch piece. It's evocative and detailed, yet it doesn't give the game away; the wavy lines that you've used further accentuates the feeling of two lovers that are drowning in oceans of sadness (like everyone else has said, bolding this message was very cool, and gives it that extra dimension... kudos on using this trick effectively and in a way which totally suits).

I dunno man... I know I could ramble for another half an hour about this but I just wanted to say that I genuinely enjoyed reading this. The feelings of loneliness, of alienation almost, in a world where the love between two people is a lifeline and also a shield... is emphatically felt.

Beautiful poem.
J

[Pixie Dusted Leo]

This is fantastic. You say so much more here than I'd like to repeat. It pains me, really ... I hope you have joy ... reagrdless, I pray this is but a moment that passes not a recurring dream ... The lines you have versed, the selection of words, indeed the pop-out phrase that shoots right out from the get go. I know that yearning ... and I can feel the icy chills that this sends of a certain heartache toward closure ...

Your momentum doesn't stop, and the power of your words hit wrecking ball. The can leave one breahtless. I don't have anything negative to say about this write, and unfortunately I am not close to the "fine tuned" writer that you are to be able to say more. I can tell you I love this, though it saddens me, but I am human ... as we have identified

[Dyrt]

I am entranced by the mini poem inside the larger one beautifully done

[Heather Summers]

I especially loved your last stanza, which seems to me to indicate two lovers who have not yet loved each other - and yet sense that the other one is somewhere out there, waiting. I think you capture the sense of their longing wonderfully.

[Wendy G.]

this was great, right down to the secret message. the thought of being oceans away from a lover, and yet still holding hands, and feeling eachother while being utterly alone . . . it's all there, and evident.

just freaking beautiful man

[Anhedonia 1349]

There's a paradox here between the instance in which they walk on the beach hand in hand and when they dream the other into existance. The reason? The walking is a dream and exists merely as two people's envisionings for their own romantic, personal happiness. They dream of someone, and while their dreams are simultaneous, their thoughts are far from reality. The bolded words tell that story a bit.And "still-born"? Well, we've all heard the adage that someone's "dead". Inside, to the world, whatever; dead is very feasible. Well perhaps those people have been dead for so long that it appears as though they never existed; wouldn't they then be still-born?Thanks for the review, though. I write ridiculousness and I don't expect it to be understood by most normal, decent writers. Much love again.

[Creepy Swine Guy]

With poetry, I'm simple. I write simple, and it needs to be fairly simple for me to understand it. What I get here is an image of two lovers

(although the lines: "they dream the other into existence,
unsure of who precisely they're seeing

Gives me pause to wonder ... "don't lovers know persicely who they dream of?" This goes back to my simpleness no doubt. While I'm beating myself up, I didn't understand:

"... still-born lovers ..."

Either, would love a CFTTS (Clarification For The Terminally Stupid"

It made me sad. I've been alone and I didn't like it. But it did stir that emotion, so it did it's job.

[Monica Rae (Schaeffer) ..]

Wow...
I may write more later, that's all I have for now-
Wow.

[Rc R. Vagilidad]

�but knowing forever that their lives are nothing more than
drowned, washed up emptiness�

I like the contrasting elements you made to separate the memories from reality. It really got into my senses. This is way too amplifying than a gothic film. It made some gooseflesh out in me.

I can picture this out with two young lovers with their innocence reluctantly prejudged by the complexity of their desires. Whereas to their death they still thought of how they will live their lives as innocent as far as the world is so cruel enough for them to be separated like the oceans apart from each other. But all they can see is an empty shell of hope where everything resonates beneath their eternal beds.

�leaving the rest of the world to stand idly by,�

This is sounding. Most amplified, I think it is the climax already.

Hope this didn�t made any contraries out of what the real essence of it.. Just a simple thought, provocatively for me. It is a very wonderful piece man... Exceptional.

[Zachary Dolan]

I admit...I saw the bold words...went "ew...bold words in the poem itself?" then realized what you were
saying...very nice internal message.

Next I read all the reviews, and thought to myself...this poem can't be that amazing.

Then I read the poem itself. Wow.

I'm impressed. It's a really beautiful poem. Most of the time when I read "sad love poems" (not that that's all that your poem is) I think: "Here's another angsty poem about the pain of love"

But this is so much more. And so beautifully done. I;m not nearly brave enough to tackle love in my poetry and think it's anything but cliche...so tons of points for that.

However, one line stood out, that I think could use a little shifting.

"fluttering high above the ground
and totally detached from what lies beneath it.

It just seems too much like regular speech, since the rest of the lines are so beautiful.

Thank you for sharing this.

[Kara Emily Krantz]

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CHAS!!!

shush you!

where did this come from?!?!?!???!??!?!?!?!

this is amazing. AMAZING.

i haven't read any of the other reviews, but i can only imagine what they say - freakin' amazing. :)

one of the first things i did was read the bold words... and like literally my breath caught - CAUGHT. i gasped. hehe :)

hakdfa;sjfklas;jdfkasf;da

yay you.

maybe i'lll make a more intelligent comment later, but for now this is what you're getting ;)