The Masked Clown

Her boyfriend is late. She's okay with it.

The Masked Clown

I’d been staring blankly at a photo on the wall the entire time.  The waitress came over and handed me the menu.  I didn’t have the heart to turn her away.  I checked my phone for the time.  It was 8:22.  I was expecting him to arrive at any moment now.  I stared intently into my glass of water waiting for him.  Alex was good to me.  Sometimes too good.  But we had already settled this a while back.

About two months ago it finally happened.  I'd finally told him about a seed of doubt that had grown into a plague in my mind.  We'd been dating for just short of a year and a half but I couldn't understand why someone as outgoing as him would want to be with an antisocial ball of angst like me.

"I don't deserve this.  I haven't done anything to deserve this  sort of happiness.  Why do you even like me?"  It was something that had bothered me for months now.  I didn't see myself, or any trait that I had rather, as special or particularly alluring.  

"So you want to know eh?"  He turned to me cartoonishly with his chest puffed.  He gave me his stupid smile.  "Well it's because you have great legs and an exquisite waist to match."  I was about ready to slap him.

"Why can't you just be straight with me for once?! God damn it."  I watched him as his smile faded.  "You could do so much better than dating deadweight like me.  I don't have anything to offer anything except maybe being the object for your ridiculous standup comedy routine."  I was fighting back my bitter tears.  My frustration with his toying had reached a breaking point.  

He probably finally realized that I was at my limit.  He threw one last look of annoyance at me before acting.

He grabbed me by the shoulders and stared intensely at me.  For a moment, I refused to look him in the eye.  "This is what you asked for though.  Right?"  He whispered.  "That I be straight with you.  Now ask me again."  His face was now mere millimeters away from mine.  I felt like I'd crumble now if I looked directly at him.  I could feel my heart rate rising; my body was warming at an uncontrollable rate.

He then clasped my face with both hands and forced my gaze onto his.  

What couldn't have been more than five seconds felt like an eternity.  It was the Alex that I'd witness once in a blue moon.  My fingers had begun to tremble.  Why me?  I thought.  Was I really worth all of this?

My breathing and heart rate had both become increasingly erratic.  My face was completely flushed and I couldn't hide any of it from him.

"Why do you try so hard for me?"  I finally averted my eyes.

"Because I like you."  He said with the utmost sincere tone that he had ever used with me.  I looked back at him to affirm what I had just heard.

"Is that the only reason?"  I reached up to hold his right hand.  I could feel his warmth.  I stared back as if unsatisfied by such a simple means, but my heart had already come to accept it.

"Do I need another reason?"  He spoke with a gentleness that made him seem unrecognizable.  

He seemed to be contemplating his next words for a moment. "Because I want to be strong like you.  How you can be true to yourself all the time.  How you aren’t afraid to speak what’s on your mind."  His eyes had become lustrous from the room light.

It was at that moment that every piece of his complex mystery had been revealed.    He had reasons all along.  All notions of the boy who had seemingly, arbitrarily given me all his affection had disappeared.  In his place was a sincere, yet vulnerable man.  He had unmasked himself before me.  He had given me the emotional security that I desperately needed at the risk of his very own.  His veil of the fool was a shield for his true feelings.  If he got rejected while playing the part, he'd have no remorse and blame it on how he wasn't being himself.  It was that very disconnect that allowed him to act in a way that grossly ignored nearly all emotional consequences.  If I pushed him away now, at his point of greatest vulnerability, this time he'd be absolutely devastated.

"I'm not strong Alex.”  He hugged me.  “I'm just honest and open with myself.  I acknowledge my flaws and where I'm lacking, sometimes a little too much.  That's all."  

Someone who he was close to in his past had wounded him deeply.  I didn't know who, when, or where it happened.  Perhaps an ex girlfriend.  Perhaps someone who was a part of his family.  What I did know was that it was to the extent where he couldn't trust anyone with his true self.  Anyone until now.  But I forced his hand.  I forced him to gamble on me.  

I decided that I'd take responsibility for it.

He sniffled.  "I'm sorry for being a coward.  I'm sorry for hiding behind an idiot."  I wasn't sure when my tears began flowing.  It was most likely right after he hugged me.  "I promise that I'll be honest with you from now on.  I'll ditch the idiot act."  His voice was shaking but still sincere.  I sunk my face into his shirt.  I felt guilty.  I had driven him out of his impenetrable fortress of Alex Lane.  Somehow I wanted to protect him or at least make him feel safe again.

"But I don't hate him."  I pulled on his shirt slightly and looked up at him.  This was the least that I could do.  I had already gotten what I wanted.

"Huh?  I thought you would have gotten tired of it by now."  He looked at me with a baffled expression on his face.   I shook my head no.

"It's grown on me.  You idiot."  My words dragged out his stupid smile once more.  

After that day, I had a smile that wouldn't fade for weeks.  It probably looked as stupid as his.  I could play the part too.  Admittedly, I don’t have to try too hard to look and sound like a happy idiot when I’m with him.