The Sins of Myself

The fear

The darkness

The overwhelming sadness

These were the sins that led to my downfall

The sins that led to my end

I was devoured by the shadows

scattered by the wind

Drunk with the insanity

Obsessed with the madness

And forever isolated

within these empty walls of sin

Author's Note

So apparently my first poem got quite a few positive reviews, so i thought i might try another to see if it was just luck that the first was good. Anyways, this is a poem about the mental tormentation (that's a word, right?) going on inside someone. It's also going to be my first contest submission so wish me luck! Please enjoy and don't forget to comment and rate! I feel like I'm missing something or one of the lines isn't quite right, but I can't put my finger on it. If one of you peoples do, it would be greatly appreciated if you could point it out so that I can fix it ASAP.

Reviews

[Eliot Knight]

I don't know about what you mean by missing but it's vague. Fear, darkness and sadness aren't sins and since you didn't hint what the sins are, it's very much open to imagination(not interpretation) and if you had any in mind while writing the poem, I would suggest slight hinting of them in an added verse or verses.
I would suggest you remove the 'and' before 'forever isolated' and change 'sins' to 'sin' in the line 'within these empty walls of sins'. For better flow, other than that, it's beautiful. You should definitely keep writing. Cheers.

[Rachel McLean]

Well I wasn't sure what it was that I thought was missing. My friend actually helped me out /w that. And i know that they aren't sins, but that was the most emotional word that I could think of at the time, and it just sort of stuck. And thank you for the critiques! I'll try to think about how to apply them to my piece.

[Eliot Knight]

Your welcome!

[justdandy]

I added this to my library.

[Rachel McLean]

Aww thank you! I feel so honored! (although what does adding to a library do? I never quite figured it out.)

[justdandy]

It means that you like the poem that much that you want to add it to the library ( a number of writings that you might want to reread.)

[Rachel McLean]

Oh OK. And thank you again!

[Dani The Unreviewed]

well.. i don't see anything wrong with it. i wrote, and read tons of poetry, in the past seven-eight months. I'd say this one is a beautiful demonstration of dark poetry. nicely done.
i give maximum rating :)

[Rachel McLean]

Thank you so much! I'm really glad you liked it. I know that i can sometimes be a it harsh towards my own writings, so when positive reviews start coming in, it really makes me happy.

[Bear]

It is plain to see you have a philosophical mind as well as a knowledge of words and their usage. I also enjoy the dark nature of your poem, if you have never known pain how can you really appreciate pleasure? Bravo! I look forward to reading more of your work :~)

[Rachel McLean]

Thanks! I'll definitely try to keep posting if I can find the time.

[Tomoe Tellez]

This is very darkly-beautiful in a way. I couldn't find anything wrong, not all poems have to be the same or follow some kind of rules, though I really liked the structure you used in the first verse. It has a good flow and sounds great out loud. Good job!

[Rachel McLean]

I'm glad you felt that way. This was my first try at a dark piece and only my second poem, and judging from the comments, it turned out pretty good.

[Coyote Poetry]

The poem took the reader to deep thoughts and places.
"Drunk with the insanity
Obsessed with the madness
And forever isolated
within these empty walls of sins"
I liked the above lines. Insanity, madness and sin. Good place to create a story for the ages. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Rachel McLean]

I really liked those lines as well. Inspiration strikes me at strange times, and sometimes it can reveal something that i find pretty cool. Thank you for reviewing!

[Coyote Poetry]

I liked the complete poem and you are welcome.