My Sweet Sacrifice

 

I love you

I've followed every crazy path

Every crazy way.

I've always wanted you,

and I know we'll always Be.

Forever.

I want this affection

To never Die away.

I know we can last forever.

I hope you know

I'm willing to Die for you.

I'd take a bullet

A shot in the chest

Rather that live without

You.

I would Die for you.

Because it will always be

You.

You are the one

The only one I can love.

So this is my sweet

Sacrifice.

Everything we've ever said

Will run through my Head

I will Die for you.

My Love

My Sweet

I'm making this Sacrifice

Because it's what I need to do

Don't hesitate to Follow

But because I love You

This is my sweet Sacrifice

 

Reviews

[Kayla]

Hi,
I think this was a very nice and sweet poem for your boyfriend. Your emotions are strong and you definately get your point across. I think that is a really good starting point, but in my opinion some of the emotion needs to be taken out. There's something in theater thats called emoting and that basically means that your pouring out all your emotions and holding nothing back which bores the reader/audience. You can really see it in these lines:
"I hope you know

I'm willing to Die for you.

I'd take a bullet

A shot in the chest

Rather that live without

You.

I would Die for you.

Because it will always be

You."
They arn't bad by any means, just too mushy. Hold back a little-tell him but don't tell him everything like your afraid he doesn't feel the same. Anyways, I think you have good jumping off points-they just need to be fine-tuned and edited. Nice start!
Awena

[Alexander]

It's nice. It doesn't conform to the usual love poems. I like the way you split up the lines. Good good.
Z

[Charles R. Ciminokii]

Good, I felt the emotions. Could build it up a little stronger, but still a nice piece. Nice job!

[.]

It's very cute and touching at the same time

these lines hit me :

"I hope you know
I'm willing to Die for you.
I'd take a bullet
A shot in the chest
Rather that live without
You."

Hope that your love stays forever and may you be happy always in this blissful love

love it :)

[Dalaina Renee]

Aww.this is a sweat poem and it flows nicley. I enjoyed reading it! Thanks for sharing it!

[fireblossom]

Its a good poem. Clear and concise. Your feelings are expressed. You are open. You are obviously a writer who needs to write. All very good.

BUT (now in the spirit of your bio where you ask for input)

It sounds less like a poem and more like a conversation or at least a monologue about the depth of ones love. I think that detracts from what this poem might eventually become.

The fact that this theme is so often used means you must make your poem really "stick" in order for some readers to feel any wow factor when reading it.

It is unclear until the end of the poem that this is a lover actually dying...whether metaphorically or not. In my opinion you could re-write this a few times and make it more powerful. Unlike a story where this piece might be injected as part of the development or unfolding of a dramatic scene, poetry must 'nail it' in a few verses. The elements are there. But you need to challenge each word and line. Make each word, phrase and even the way the poem lays on the page work for you. Don't think it's enough to simply say something clearly. I can write a very clear shopping list? See?

One last issue...I.... This poem says I this and I that allot. Try to say what you say without directly referring to yourself as often. Let us know that it is you speaking and then speak...see?

So here's the deal...in your bio you asked for direction. Please accept this in that spirit.

You are a writer...you know that. Writing is a gift that must be developed.

All the best - in ink

[(JR) Joshua Hernandez]

Beutiful and touching I like this poem.