Shock

Walking out of the old, run-down gas station, I see people rushing all around me. My shoulders are pressured back, but I manage to keep my feet steady on the ground. It looks as if the color had been drained out of the world to a certain extent; everything is dull.

I brush my stringy brown hair out of my eyes and turn back towards the gas station that I just exited. There are no windows, ads or any sign of invitation. The door looks as if it is about to fall off of the hinges. Where am I?

Unaware of what I should do, I begin walking down the street. I can’t see where I am going. It feels like when you reach the end of a video game and there’s just blackness. As I walk, I see houses, very similar to the gas station; hideous.

As the sidewalk fades into a dirt path, I begin to worry even more. This cannot be real, can it? Who would live in a town like this? That’s when I realize how deserted my surroundings had become. I spin around to realize that I am completely alone.

“Excuse me, ma’am, are you lost?” The hand on my shoulder makes me jump feet on the ground as I turn around to see a strange looking man behind me. He looks like a stereotypical truck driver with his red and black plaid shirt, unruly beard, and dirt-covered body.

Trying to figure out how I should answer, I sigh. “I'm not quite sure where I am.”

“Well, where are you trying to go?” His voice sounded inviting, but maybe a little too inviting. I know that I'm not supposed to talk to strangers, but how else am I going to get out of this bizarre place?

“Home, I suppose,” I answer, unsure of myself.

 The look on his face looked very bland, reminding me of everything else I have seen in this town. Emotionlessly, his lips move. “I cannot help you unless I know where you are trying to go.”

I feel pressured to respond. Telling him where I live probably won’t be the smartest idea. “I just need to go get some milk. The gas station over there was out.” As I point back towards where I believe the gas station to be, I can feel my arm shaking. Am I even pointing in the right direction?

“Walk with me. I’ll take you to the local market.”

Even though I felt like it was a terrible idea, I felt as if I had no other choice. A market will have more people, I think to myself. The more people I can see, the more likely someone will be able to help me.

My legs were walking in step with his; I hadn’t even realized that we began to walk. The darkness ahead of me slowly turned into even more rugged houses.

It seemed hours later before we finally stopped. This isn’t a market, I thought to myself. We are surrounded by nothingness; the few trees I could see were stripped bare and there was no grass, flowers, or weeds sprouting from the ground.

When I finally gain the courage to turn and look at him, I can feel the confused look plastered on my face.

Slightly afraid to speak, I manage to stutter out a few words. “This, uh, isn’t a market.”

“Don’t tell me what I already know.” His voice was harsh, but in a way still emotionless.

As I feel my heart pounding through every appendage on my body, I hope that my feelings weren’t expressed on my face. I hope he can’t smell my fear.

Standing there in an awkward silence, I worry about what could happen within the next few minutes. What ifs are running through my mind as if they are racing to escape. I close my eyes and take a long, deep breath.

Seconds after my eyes close, I feel a wet spray covering my body from head to toe. As I open my eyes, I collapse to the ground. The pain is electrifying; it feels as if I have bolts of lightning flowing through my blood stream.

As my mouth tries to produce enough saliva to talk, my arms try to gather enough energy to push myself into a sitting position. When my body becomes upright, I feel the wet spray forcing me back down to the ground.

“What,” I began, using all the energy I had acquired, “are you doing?” I barely have enough energy to see.

No response, but the spray surrounds me again. This time, I lose all consciousness of my body.

By the time I regain control, I sit up enough to realize that the man is no longer here. Did he leave me? I’ll figure that out soon, I tell myself. Right now, I just need to gain more power.

 

After sitting in the same, boring spot for what seemed like hours, I force myself to stand. Though I am dizzy and unable to think straight, I can tell that my surroundings are no longer the same. The harsh desert has become luscious, moist grass; I went from seeing the horizon miles away to seeing nothing but buildings, blinding city lights, and a small, colorful park.

To the left is a children’s park, brightly colored, much unlike the previous town I had been in. When did I move towns, though? All of the colors are making me slightly nauseous.

I need to call somebody. I need to figure out what is going on.

The phone that was in my pocket is now in my hands, suddenly weighing at least twenty solid pounds. Though my strength and power is extremely low, I manage to dial the numbers nine one one.

“Nine one one, what’s your emergency?” I have always hated how dispatchers sound on movies, so uncaring. This cliché attitude was real. I am now in one of those movies, calling the police about a strange man.

“Hello, is anybody there?” The dispatcher spoke again.

“Yes, sorry.” What am I supposed to say? “Uh, well, some guy took me out to the desert and sprayed me with electricity. Then I woke up at a rainbow park.”

“Excuse me? He sprayed you with electricity?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Okay, and where are you?” Her voice sounds as if she doesn’t even believe me.

“I'm really not sure; it’s really colorful, though.”

“I will try to track your phone with satellites. Please stay put. A policeman should be there soon.” Click.

There is no way she believed me. No one is going to come help me, but I guess it wouldn’t hurt to wait around. Just in case.

Through checking my phone every five minutes, I eventually realize that hours have passed. I have to do something, I think to myself.

Beep beep beep. As my phone lights up, it announces that the battery is low.

I quickly press and hold the three button, which is speed dial for my mom. “Pick up, please pick up,” I mutter to myself.

“Hello?”

“Mom. I need help. My phone is about to die, but I'm in trouble. Please come find me. Mom, please. I'm scared.”

“Where are you?”

“I don’t know. At some park.” I can feel the tears flowing down my cheeks.

No response. I look at my phone to realize that it’s dead.

I fall to my knees, wondering why this is happening to me. Screaming at the top of my lungs, I feel invisible, much like I did when I first arrived in the previous, washed out town. I stare at the sky for a few minutes, trying to calm my nerves. What am I supposed to do now?

Looking at the colorful park, I feel attracted. My legs are pulling me down the sidewalk towards it. From behind, I can hear an engine roaring loudly. When I turn around, expecting to see a piece of junk car, my eyes become glued on what looks to be a pesticide spraying vehicle.

How strange, I think to myself. I haven’t seen a single bug outside, but maybe I just haven’t been paying attention. I walk a little ways down the sidewalk to plaster myself upon a building to, hopefully, avoid getting sprayed.

As the wetness hits my back, I feel the electrical shock coming back. What in the world is going on? I turn before my body gives out on me to see the same, strange guy sitting behind the wheel of the vehicle.

What did I do? Why is he going through so much effort to put me in pain?

The shocking doesn’t last too long this time, but just long enough for him to exit the truck and start walking towards me. My mind is racing, though I don’t even know what I'm thinking.

He’s only a couple yards away now. Since my common sense isn’t working right now, my instinct takes control by demanding me to sprint over to the picnic area at the park. Once I arrive, I look back at the man who is walking at his same, slow pace. Straight towards me.

I hear a honking coming from the road behind me, so I turn around to see a woman sitting in a light blue car, staring at me. “Do you need help?” she asked calmly.

Unable to speak, I nod my head.

The passenger door to her car opened automatically as she just sat there. Without taking my eyes off the man, who was merely yards away, I rush over to the car and sat inside. Right when I hear the door close, the man is pounding on the window.

“It’s going to be okay, darling. You’re safe now.” The woman’s voice seems caring, but a little too protective. She reaches her arm over and strokes my hair.

“Where are you taking me?” I ask, sincerely curious.

No answer.

Now, I realize the fact that she hasn’t looked at me since I got in her car. I feel the car speeding up as we go down a narrow road that appears endless. “Can you slow down, please?” I'm not really scared, but I want a response from her.

The car is getting faster. I stretch over to look at the speedometer which must be broken because it reads fifteen miles per hour.

Looking out the window, I see buildings, trees, and blurred color fly by. What in the world is happening? We’re going so fast that my mouth can’t even manage to open wide enough to whimper out a few words; so fast that I can barely even breathe.

I can hear the woman next to me slam on the gas pedal one last time as she removes her hands from the steering wheel and her eyes from the road. “It’s time,” she states in a possessive sounding voice.

Before I could even ask what it was time for, I knew. Deep in the back of my head, I could feel that my world was about to end. The darkness was about to take over my heart.

And now is when it happens. Everything turns black. I am no longer in a car, but now I floating around in a dark, never-ending space. I'm dead, I mutter, though I can’t even hear myself talk.

I'm pointless, worthless, and alone. Not even I can hear my words; I can barely hear my thoughts. My body has lost all feelings, as has my heart. My brain has lost all need of thinking, and now, I am nothing.

Reviews

[Danielle Wesley]

Wow. What a powerful way to begin a book! You really captured a surreal, dream like state. The suspense completely pulled me in. Kudos to you for keeping an almost constant use of present tense; I think it was incredibly useful to the creation of your chapter. Watch out for little slips back into past tense. It happens to the best of us! :) I'm hooked. I can't wait to read more.

[MichelleClay]

Ha ha I didn’t think anyone could compete with my warped imagination, but I stand corrected! This is a very interesting start. You build a huge amount of suspense in your writing and leave the reader wanting answers. This is my kind of book. Well done.

[Cara Rosalie]

Autumn, this is amazing!! Such a strong start to your book. I was pulled along the entire way. I hardly wanted to drag myself away from the story to take notes. Your writing style is exactly what I look for when perusing the fiction aisle. Loved it!

"I brush my stringy brown hair out of my eyes and turn back towards the gas station that I just exited. There are no windows, ads or any sign of invitation. The door looks as if it is about to fall off of the hinges. Where am I?" This is an excellent descriptive -- without being telling -- paragraph. You don't say "the gas station is run-down" You explain in great detail the way it appears. I applaud this kind of writing :) Also, with this paragraph and the one subsequent, I get that she is more than likely dirty and quite disoriented. Thank you for giving us a visual. Even though it's just her stringy brown hair, it's something. Writers who take too long to give away physical descriptions, lose their audience. (My opinion) We need something to latch onto and bond us to our protagonist.

"The hand on my shoulder makes me jump feet on the ground..." Should this be "makes me jump a foot off the ground" ?

"He looks like a stereotypical truck driver with his red and black plaid shirt, unruly beard, and dirt-covered body." Perfect...

"I feel pressured to respond. Telling him where I live probably won’t be the smartest idea." There is a change in tense between these two sentences and this one. "Even though I felt like it was a terrible idea, I felt as if I had no other choice." (Feel vs. Felt) I would decide on whether you want this story to be told in past or present tense. It can be slightly jarring switching back and forth.

"I hope he can’t smell my fear." Such a great line!! As the reader, I get a sense that "he" may not even be completely a he, but an "it" I am afraid of him, without you giving me any gory details.

"I have always hated how dispatchers sound on movies, so uncaring. This cliché attitude was real. I am now in one of those movies, calling the police about a strange man." This made me laugh and say, "YES!" all at the same time. My opinion is in alignment with your character, which makes me understand and like her.

“Uh, well, some guy took me out to the desert and sprayed me with electricity. Then I woke up at a rainbow park.” LOL.

"The passenger door to her car opened automatically as she just sat there." This detail could be easily missed, but I read it for it's entirety. Creeepy.

"I rush over to the car and sat inside." Again, a tense issue. Either, I rushed over to the car and sat inside. Or. I rush over to the car and sit inside.

Again, this was a fabulous read! I thoroughly enjoyed myself and look forward to coming back for more.

Cara

[Jim Parson]

This is fabulous, Autumn! I love everything about it! You have the most vivid imagination. Your visuals are wonderful and your characters are well defined. This is a great start and I'm really looking forward to reading more!

A few suggestions/issues though. You need to watch your tenses very carefully. You are skipping back and forth between present and past tense regularly. Here's an example of doing it in the same sentence. "I rush over to the car and sat inside." Go back through and check each one.

Here's a tip that was taught me a few weeks ago and changed my life. The words "that" and "had" are unnecessary most of the time, although we all use them. If you go through and delete all of them that aren't necessary, you'll be surprised at how much cleaner your writing is. I couldn't believe how much I used them and how much I improved without them! Here are a few examples:

"I brush my stringy brown hair out of my eyes and turn back towards the gas station that I just exited." Without "that"... "I brush my stringy brown hair out of my eyes and turn back towards the gas station I just exited." See how much smoother?

"I spin around to realize that I am completely alone." Without "that"... "I spin around to realize I am completely alone." Flows so much better.

"I began, using all the energy I had acquired." Without "had"... "I began, using all the energy I acquired." Much better.

Here's another thing you do a lot. You use "As I...", "As he...", "As she...", etc. far too often. It can get distracting. You should find a way to re-say many of those. Also, when you do use it, make sure it makes sense and is accurate. Here's what I mean...

"As I open my eyes, I collapse to the ground." Did she collapse to the ground as she was opening her eyes, or did she open her eyes, then collapse to the ground. See what I mean? It isn't accurate written like this.

Hope those couple of tips help! Looking forward to reading much more. This is great!

[Miranda]

This is awesome. im addicted to this! good job.

[Blood Countess]

It's good. You were able to pull off the present-tense style that most people can't do, though you did mess up and add past-tense in a few areas. Nothing major, and easily fixable. Good job overall. =)

[Stacey]

This is wonderful, full of mystery and intrigue! I read your profile and don't want you to ever be discouraged when it comes to writing. I add this as a compliment to your story telling style....when I first started reading and got mid-way through the chapter I thought of the novel "Lovely Bones"....so I mean this as a true compliment. You did a fantastic job with the imagery, would love to read more....this has started as a true nightmare! Great Write!

[diannesam]

This is amazing! there is so much suspence as to what happened, and where she is and where she is going. Can't wait to read more!