Surprize

Two girls were walking home from school on a typical Friday. Bailey ran home and said goodbye to Macy. She was then left alone to go home. Little did she know she was about to face something terrible.

''Okay see you tomorrow Bailey!'' Yelled Macy, walking towards her driveway with a bright smile on here face.  She ran up the colored steps and closed the door lightly. I shook my head and smiled. We always walk home together, since our houses are so close.  It’s good because then I won’t get bored and there are some not to nice people around here. You can never be too careful where we live. There is some murder loose, so I am kind of afraid to be alone. The police say to make sure that all children are with someone at all times and stay close to people I don’t want to even think about being face to face with the killer.

I try to get my mind off that and start watching all the things around me. I notice all the animals and the wind blowing swiftly like a lullaby. It calms me down a bit, and makes me feel secure.  It’s almost like I’m wrapped in some blanket where nothing can hurt me. I start to listen to the insects too. It’s nice to listen to the faint chirping of crickets and watch the butterflies zoom away in the spring. I always pay attention to nature, because it has always fascinated me.

 I stop for a moment because I hear some strange noise. It sounds like it’s a child screaming. I can't see anything as I scan the trees, so I start running ahead to where I think it's coming from the north of the forest. It is getting louder and I can make out the words ''Help me!'' I start to walk and there and there is more yelling. I notice that the birds have stopped singing and there is no animal in sight. I feel a sudden chill as if this place is evil. It feels that way because it's so quiet. There is no one around which could end badly. I try to shake my head of those thoughts because I will end up scaring myself half to death.

I have been walking a pretty long way when I notice a field. I have never been this far before so, it’s all new to me. It looks deserted though. There is nothing planted on it. It’s just bare. I then go closer and see two shadows standing. I am really curious to who they are. I have this urge to just run over to them even though I have no idea who they are or what they could do. One is of a large figure, while the other looks like a young child. I slowly step forward in fear at what I might see.

There are branches below me that are crunching from my feet causing noise. I see now that there is a man holding a little girl down She looks to be about seven with light brown hair and some pink fluffy dress on. It has pink sparkles on it and she only has one shoe on that is torn revealing her toes. I see the other one laying there with blood caked on it. The man is probably six feet tall with baggy, gray sweat pants on and some plucky, black jacket. His hair is a dirty blond with some specks of black in it. The girl is whimpering for help, and I get this sudden rush to go and save her.

Without another thought I charge through the tangled bushes and run towards them. The man turns and I see his eyes burning with pure hatred. They look like they are flickering lights in an alley deep at night. He looked demonic in a way. No regard for anything, but his own self.

He tried to grab me, but I was too quick. His arms shot out to punch me. I then balled my fist up and hit him hard in the stomach. He tumbled over and fell to the ground. He was winning the fight, but adrenaline was sweeping though me and I was determined to win. My hands were getting tired. I was starting to slow down, but I couldn’t stop now. He went for my shirt to try to rip it off and I got a hold of his pant leg and started to tug on it. The thread in it was starting to tear and I tried to make him let go. I then punched him again and he was gasping for breath. The little girl had bloody tears streaming down her face and her mouth was swollen to a blue color. She looked like she had seen a dark force whisk past her face. She was frozen in place, with probably lots of things going through her head. I grabbed her stone cold hand and started running. I looked back behind me and he was gaining on us. My lungs were heaving from all the terror and I was trying to figure out how to get us away. I saw a house far out towards the north so I ran for that.

The child was getting tired, but she was keeping up pretty well. We kept on running for a while and then we saw it. The house was sandy colored and the windows were wooden with metal bars attached to them. The yard had lots of old, rusty cars in it and there was a ''Do not trespass'' sign at the door. We ran through it and I started to knock as loudly as possible. The girl started to cry again and fell to the ground. I stopped knocking and picked her up, ready to run to the back.

 There were woods that we could hide in. Just as I turned to go, he came up behind me and kicked me in the back. I tripped and we both went down. I could feel her heartbeat drumming through her shirt and her muddy hands were shaking.

He grabbed me by the throat and started choking me. His hands were like knifes cutting through me. I tired with all my strength to get him off me, but it was no use. I could hear the girl scream and then I saw him take out a gun out. That made me won’t to just surrender right then. I wanted to go back home, but in the back of my mind I knew I wasn’t going to make it. I just had this feeling that he was going to win this war and that we would both die. I never thought that I could think that so calmly, but at least if I do die I will die in honor.

 I just stopped in shock; He drew back the trigger and pointed it at her head. She had a dreamy look to her, like she couldn't believe what was happening. It was one second and then the bullet hit her. Blood was gushing from her head and it was dripping down her dress. There was no hope for her to live. She was so young and there would not be enough time to get her to a hospital. I started to scream, but no sound was coming out. If someone had told me I was going to watch someone get shot I probably would have laughed in their face and said they were crazy. It was just so horrible and this girl never deserved this. She looked up with her mouth open and gasped. I wanted to right then take the gun and shoot myself, so she would not go alone. I wanted to make her feel less pain somehow. Her brown eyes were shutting and I saw her drop on her knees. That was her saying it was over. She was bleeding to death and I couldn’t do anything.

He was holding me tighter and I was starting to lose focus of the things around me. There was a ringing in my ears and his voice was becoming a slight rumble.  Everything was swarming and the light was starting to become black. I couldn't breathe at all and I was choking to try to get air. The last thing I remember was his hands reaching out to cover my eyes.

Author's Note

This is once again a rough draft, so tell me what I need to change. It is really bad I know.so please bear with me.

Reviews

[Shallowed]

This was a interesting story, there is also some things you can edit thats besides grammar. Who cares about grammar? Unless you're one of those people that like this: "Hay, eyem dah sk8ter guy" Ahem- like I said, this stories just a little bit trippy on some parts but overall its great

[A.r. Bazian]

An interesting story line. I dont know if i were to say "predictable", but it did edge me up... so... no, and its well writ.
some grammar and spelling mistakes.
i love how it sounds when you said "so she would not go alone"!

P.s. I'm sorry it took me soo long to read it! i did say i will! :)

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[Chris]

What you have is really good so far. It has a lot of suspense in it and I do like some of the similes you make. It adds a nice touch to the read. There could be some room for improvement though. Like, maybe try to make a stronger first sentence? My English professor has emphasized many times the importance of immediately starting off the piece of writing (story, article, blog entry, etc) strong, and someone saying goodbye to their friend doesn't really meet that level. Don't get me wrong; the first paragraph gets interesting when you bring in the mentioning of the killer, but a better first sentence could be used.

You kind of transition into the action a little too fast, too. One minute she's taking a nice walk home, and then she suddenly hears some strange noises. It feels too fast that way, and it feels like it kind of destroys the suspense there because it's not too hard to guess what's happening since you mentioned the killer two paragraphs before it.

I'm a little iffy on how you break away from the story to describe the attacker and the girl. When you write something like this, you rely a lot on keeping the reader in suspense and keeping them completely wrapped in the action at hand. When you stop to describe something like that, you kind of interrupt that. Maybe try to mix the action with the description to where you are still giving us an image of the two, but you aren't completely disrupting the action to do so? The same goes for the house too.

Also, I feel like the second to last paragraph could be shortened. You go on about how she was so young and how she was not going to live and how she didn't deserve it and how the narrator didn't think she would see someone get shot that day. I feel like it kind of weakens the shock and horror of the girl getting shot. Maybe refine it to something like:
"I just stopped in shock; He drew back the trigger and pointed it at her head. She had a dreamy look to her, like she couldn't believe what was happening. It was one second and then the bullet hit her. Blood was gushing from her head and it was dripping down her dress. I started to scream, but no sound was coming out. Her brown eyes were shutting and I saw her drop on her knees. That was her saying it was over. She was bleeding to death and I couldn’t do anything."
You might need to make some small tweaks to it to make it flow better, but this is what I'm talking about. If you really need to give the narrator's reaction to it, and how the girl didn't deserve to die, maybe do it after the action has taken place. That way you still create the initial shock, and then maybe you can pull some sympathy and sorrow out of the reader afterward.

These are just my opinions though. Feel free to ignore them if you want. But yeah, what you have is really good so far. It was a really nice read.

[LostCauze[:P]]

Has a lot of potential. I feel that you should use more adjectives in your story. Him, her, he and etc just doesn't cut it. You can say something more descriptive like "The relentless killer" or the "Young innocent girl" for example. You need to build up more tension in order for the reader to get deep into the story, particularly for a story like this. Your introduction needs to be able to interest the reader more besides with the promise of a killer on the loose. There are a lot of killer on the loose stories but you have to make it a lot more interesting using diction and description. There are some grammar errors, I believe its good to correct grammar but whether u do it now or on your own accord is up to you. I believe this story has great potential and I know this is only a rough draft. I am excited to see the finish product of this piece. For ideas I suggest you read my story "Teeth".

[Big_Mac]

This is a really great story, it flows like a movie. Could you please take a look at my story?

[A sea person]

Very good idea/concept
Everything happens so fast, maybe draw it out a little? Build up the tension?
Grammar needs some help - but who doesn't need help with grammar? :)
Commas, fragments, etc... run it through spell check or something, maybe that will help...
Great concept though - very interesting. Good description, very creepy :)

[Broken Girl]

Hi dear! :D So far so good! Can't wait to read more!

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

It can be polished up a bit... I do like the faced paced feel of it, makes it very intense... you description of the actions were detailed enough to picture it in my head.

[Coyote Poetry]

A amazing story. I like how you begin the story. A slow and easy day walking home to saving a young girl. Then the termination of the young girl. I look forward to the rest of the story. You open many open doors of mystery. This had the possibility to become a excellent story. Thank you.
Coyote