As If

The eyes of beauty,
electrifying with ease,
too luminous to tell,
as if it wasn't real at all.
As if I knew you from,
another world,
a dream,
or time and place.
Could a simple tear,
take my sadness away?
Was it you who wiped my cheek,
or held me so close,
nothing else could touch me.
As if there was nothing that mattered,
or the worries soon to come.
As if I knew you before time,
in my thoughts you were lost,
but I still found you.
Like you were always there,
but unseeable,
mysteriously among me,
without me knowing.
Your careness is untold,
through you I am sane,
without this,
I am nonexistant.
As I fall to rest tonight,
come to my dreams,
guide me.....
Into a true happiness,
through the eyes of you,
I am at peace.

Author's Note

Tell me what you think! :D I luvvv comments! :D

Reviews

[Rachel U.]

Your age betrays you in this poem. Small mistakes can make your works look unprofessional. For example, in the line //to luminous to tell//, you use the wrong "to". In this context, it should be "too." Another is here: //Was it you who whiped my cheek// Whiped should be wiped. And, //threw you I am sane//. "Threw" should be "through".
Your style is simple, but cute and sweet. Watch for grammatical errors and cut back on the number of commas. :) Too many can disrupt the flow of your poem quite easily.
Overall, nice work.
Keep on writing, chica. You show potential.

[MissWordSmith]

Ok, I am a little confused. Are you talking about someone else? a loved one?
Or a part of yourself that you have forgotten and now found?
"Like you were always there,
but unseeable,
mysteriously among me,
without me knowing."

Who are you talking about here??

[Katie L]

i love this poem you are a good writer, keep writing.

[Write4theSky]

I liked this a lot! especially "Could a simple tear, take my sadness away?"
Rachel U. is right- your commas break the flow of the poem. Also, I think you could rephrase these lines:
"or held me so close,
nothing else could touch me." just adding 'that' would improve it. This poem is very strong, and you could find an ending that fit it a little better. Once again, this is very thoughtful and beautiful. Keep writing poems like this! :)

[Mary]

great write, i really liked this it had a nice flowy feeling to it:)keep it up!!

[JustJordan. x3]

I really like this! (: