Free Fall

Free Fall

By

Jose M. Euvin

 

I’m screaming my heart out

Yet you can’t see

I’m dying without you

Please come back to me

 

All the time that I lost

How long will it last

Before it gets worse

Reminiscing the past

 

As time goes on

I start to look back

It’s time to move on

And get back on track

 

I lost all desires

But whose there to blame

The mirror don’t lie

It reflects all my shame!

 

Desires are lost

Decisions are not

Freedom is granted

And lost in a flash

 

Suicidal tendencies

Disturbing my life

Before me is a cliff

Should I take the dive?

 

I take one last breath

And make my decision

Here comes the fall

The end of my mission!

 

Reviews

[*** Hey Jude***]

The pain of losing a loved one can be paralizing. I like the way you have expressed these intense emotions in poem! ~ N

[Naia Aingeal]

This does seem to be a strong bit of emotion expressed.

I think, as was mentioned by someone else, I was confused by the end of the mission.

[*~* Anna Marie *~*]

you did a good job writing this. It really gets you thinking...so yeah..good =]

[papaed]

I must agree with Amber. The mission you speak of here seems unclear to me and must also to you. I'd think it would be to find a new love or to learn to accept yourself as you are.
You've got hormones running out of control and are not sure how to control or handle them. Just about every man who reads this will identify. I can remember the feeling well. Writing is great therapy and helps us move in a productive direction. "Oh the many monstrous moments when I awake, screaming, clutching, grasping the naked emptiness at my side."
Hang in there Jose. You're getting a lot of responses. Keep it up.
papaed

[Tessa Anne]

i have to say dear, another thumbs up. the whole darkness in the writing thing is REALLY working for you. But why dont you say to whom ever this is to, out, bring it all out, ask questions as well as give answers. as usual, i loved it! :D

[Abluetopazdragon]

I too agree with Angelheaded Hipster. I liked this as well but I truley hope that you will try and let yourself get the upperhand once in a while. I live in the depths of depression all the time and if you are not careful you will get comfortable and it will be hard to get out if you ever do. Thank you for sending it my way I hope you will start to feel better soon.

[Diana Owen Busy with Li..]

this is awesome.

[JayG]

When you write a poem in the form of a letter you risk excluding the reader. Who are you to me that I would care that someone I'll never meet has left someone I'll never know?

When you write poetry to be read by others you can't begin in your head-space because it has no context for the reader, other than those who have been in that situation, and they truly need no memory jogging because they've written their own version of the dismal damsel poem.

You need to begin in the reader's head and guide them to yours. Telling me how you feel is meaningless because I care about how I feel, which means that if you don't make me care about you, or know you and the situation, it's a letter found on the ground, that talks about nothing in particular.

Show, don't tell.

That aside, you have prosody problems. You're bouncing from trochee to iambs, to...

And you seem to be turning rhyming on and off like a lightening bug, from stanza to stanza. Once you establish a pattern you're stuck with it because you've given the reader expectations of a certain rhythm.

A really good place to pick up the basics is to visit Wikipedia.com and search on "poetry." Lots of definitions, data, and links there. Then there's a Google search on "poetic structure," and "poetry structure." That leads to a host of really great resources.


Hope this helps.

Jay

[James Mayfield]

Writing can be a very healing outlet if you let it. Don't let depression take you into territory that you shouldn't tread.

[Touché Armada]

Hmm yes I agree with Angelheaded Hipster, I hope your writing her out of your system, thats a storm of hurt anger and dispair, the thought life could never go on.. but it does, and we learn and grow a little more each time it abuses our better nature.

[Rain]

A sad poem......i can understand your pain all too well :( i agree with the reviewer below me that i hope writing helps you get the negative energy out.

i think your poem would be even better if you took out the last line and left it with "Here comes the fall" at the end.