She

She

By

Jose M. Euvin

 

I sit there watching her once again

Wondering

Where’s she going?

Where’s she from?

Where did she come from?

Who can she be?

 

I heard her name many times before

But yet

I still don’t know who she is

 

She sits there quietly and often smiles

She looks like she hurts inside

What pain does she hide?

Under those immense eyes

 

Who can she feel for?

Or who has done her wrong

Why if not this man

Than who

 

I sit here and stare once again

Still trying to figure out

Why that sudden smile

Masked with so much pain

 

I dare not ask

For I rather wonder

And sit here as I watch her

Unfold in front of me

 

Her smile says much

Her eyes tell her story

 

Yet her lips never moved!

 

Reviews

[Spoken]

Some suggestions:

I site (sit) there watching her once again

Where she's going?
Where she's from?

"Where's she going?"
"Where's she from?"

the way you wrote it means 'where she is going' 'where she is from' which isn't really a question... more like a statement.

I head (heard) her name many times before
But yet
I still don't know who she's is (she is)... the apostrophe 's' reads as "she is is"

That said....

I dare not ask
For I rather wonder
And sit here as I watch her
Unfold in front of me

Her smile says much
Her eyes tell her story

Yet her lips never moved!

I love these lines. the image of her "unfolding in front of you" very nice. Just so you know I only point out these grammar mishaps to help, but it doesn't take away from the poem, for me, at all. I often have reviews of people telling me how I misspelled this, that, or the other... and I'm grateful, so don't take it negatively I really enjoy your work!

[Angelheaded Hipster]

I think....that instead of just being a mere observer to her troubles, maybe it would help her if the questions were voiced?
I liked some of the lines in here, and I really dug her unfolding in front of you...
You're reaching out now, and I like seeing this than the usual heartbroken stuff....thank you...

[Viviane M.]

somehow your poem failed to grab me. It is like it lacks some element of surprise or maybe I should say anticipation. It is like somehow the reader expects that it's going nowhere. It is like u leave the reader with an unquenched thirst. You wanted to keep it mysterious I suppose, but u failed in creating that effect on the reader (IMHO).

u repeat more than once and in different way that she smiles yet she is unhappy, it is somehow superfluous to keep repeating and repeating.

"She sits there quietly and often smiles

She looks like she hurts inside"

"Why that sudden smile

Masked with so much pain"

The title caught because I love the song "She". And u have got some really good core material, but it needs to be elaborated into something more filled with some action. The tone in ur poem is too passive to impact the readers.

You closing line is the most powerful of the poem, match the rest up to it.

With the hope that what I said is of help, keep in mind that it is your poem and the changes are up to you.

Peace
Viviane

[Queen of the Damned]

It is as if you are reading this girls story through her expressions on her face. Curiousity and concern as you read her pain through her smile. Nice job.

[Crystal]

This brought to mind a picture of a girl sitting on a park bench in her own world. I enjoyed the essence of intrigue you portrayed as the observer and mystery of still not quite knowing what her story is leaves the reader in a bit of suspense. My only critique is this...

Why if not this man
than who (should that be then who)

At any rate, I enjoyed this one!

[Dawn Davis]

Wow my friend I LOVED THIS ONE!!!!!!!! very nicely done!!! I think it romantic that a man still looks at a woman in such a way!!!!!! Great job!

[Chiquita]

I dare not ask
For I rather wonder
And sit here as I watch her
Unfold in front of me
Her smile says much
Her eyes tell her story
Yet her lips never moved!

This is very nice indeed. You have a nice style in this piece. I look forward to reading more of your work.

[Jess: ~The Sidekick~]

I love the part where you describe how her story unfolds..
My favorite lines, for sure.

[Eyeliner W***e]

Wow, this is really good!
it was so powerful, and just
I dont know.
It was very good!

[Robert Luna]

Very interesting but do we every really know anyone else. We hardly even know are true self. After all we all wear so many different masks to hind ourselves for the things we hate,loathe and fear. How can really be sure who we are in the end of the day. As that famous quote "To thy own self be true".

I enjoyed the format and flow of this piece and like the subject matter as it caused me to stop and think about everything that is or was involved.

Well Done!!!!

[Mary E. Green]

Awesome!