Chapter 3 - The minute you think of giving up

They say time flies when you’re having fun, and that I really don’t doubt. But my issue is that I’ve been here for a full four days now and I feel like I’ve been locked in Alcatraz for the past nine months.

Schooling here is okay, we get a tutor assigned to the more ‘severe’ and ‘troublesome’ kids; me being one of them. I have no idea why, I have not set a foot out of place since I got here.

Seriously, I haven’t.

As usual I was lounging on my bed alone waiting for the inevitable moment when the nurse walks in and tells me to go socialize or I’ll be put on suicide watch because I’m ‘isolating myself.’

And that, I really did not need right now.

As if on cue, the evening nurse walked in without knocking. I mean, how rude can you get?

“Are we really going to have to go through this every day?” She placed her hands on her hips.

I narrowed my eyes at her from my bed -“I don’t know, are we?”

She sighed tiredly and took her hands of her hips, now running them through her slowly greying brown hair. “Why do you have to speak in riddles?” She sighed again.

“If I didn’t, no one would ever question anything.” I smiled.

“You really are something, you know that?”

“I know.” I replied, not making an effort to get up. Truth is, Evan had invited me to go see his friends with him but I told him I’d rather burn alive. Maybe it was a little harsh, but nevermind.

“Come on, Dame; stop being so impossible.” I pulled a confused face at the nickname but it didn’t bother me as much as it should; she was one of the decent nurses at least. I eventually gave up and followed her out into the common room which was packed with people as usual.

 I stopped in the doorway and realised that I literally had f**k all money; your parents are meant to send it in apparently. That’s gonna be a problem for me seeing as my mom hasn’t even sent me a damn card for my past four birthdays and my dad’s six foot under.

Arianna was staring at me with googly eyes so I figured I should make the best of a good situation.

The corners of my lips turned up into a half smile as I walked over to her, to say she was shocked would be an understatement.

“Hiya,” She nervously giggled, leaning against the wall; this was going to be a piece of cake.

“Hello there.” I replied, making eye contact with her. As much as I hate eye contact it was worth it when I saw her cheeks turn a dark shade of pink.

“How’s life been treating you, sweetie?”  F*****g ‘sweetie’, excuse me whilst I puke. Despite my sudden urge to throw up my breakfast of out of date rice crispies, I managed to throw in a wink.

“Ah, not to good really…” I muttered, taking another step closer to her figuratively keeping her in place on the wall.

“Oh? Care to tell?” She tilted her head; I felt her breath hitch as I pulled a strand of her blue hair between my fingers and twizzled it between my thumb and index finger.

“If you’ll listen.” I whispered seductively, this whole situation was making me want to claw my own eyes out. She eagerly nodded her head and leaned into my touch.

“It’s just, I really need a drink from the counter but my mom hasn’t sent me any money…” I smiled faking sadness; she stiffened as my fingers brushed against her cheekbone.

“I’ll get you one, if you want…” She said quickly, trying to cover up her obvious attraction for me.

“Hmm, and for what in return?” I didn’t even want to know the outcome of this; it’ll probably be something stupid like ‘pretend we’re a couple for a week’ or something.

“N-nothing, which one do you want?” Arianna smiled but it faded as I moved away from her on the wall, putting a bit of distance between us.

“You choose pumpkin.” I winked and I swear to god she was going to pass out. She got me a bottle of Fanta and I thanked her before leaving shortly after.

I wound up sitting on one of the outside benches alone. Over the years, I have found that being alone is better company than anyone else.

I think that deep down we’re all trying to forget someone or something, whether it be an ex-boyfriend, girlfriend, parents, sibling, friend, abuser etc. It’s always the same scenario and it really puzzles me.

First off, something awful and dramatic happens and said person turns into an emotional train wreck. Next they claim to be over the other person and pretend everything is okay when it is so clear that this situation is far from okay.  And now comes the self-blame, the ‘is it my entire fault?’ s**t. Finally, you realise that life goes on and just forget about that person.  Or try to at least.

And that, my friend is what I believe happened to a few of the people in here.  

I say ‘a few’ because I really have no idea what the f**k is wrong with that Gage kid, he is just bizarre; I don’t even know what to say.

What a waste would a day be without me telling you a tale from my very interesting life? How could you possibly survive without it?

When I was a kid, I was fascinated by death and even obsessed with it. I was in my first hospital when I was nine and I kept making these threats to jump out the window or saying s**t like ‘I’ll kill myself’ and that really wasn’t normal for a nine year old.

I remember that I used to be visited by my mom every other Saturday and I’d be sat on her lap whilst her and the psychologist discussed god knows what. They used to ask me questions like “Would you jump out the window up high?” and I’d answer without hesitation and say “Yeah, yeah I’d jump out.”

I wasn’t even suicidal; I was just completely obsessed with dying.

Well, there you go; was that emo enough for you? Before you know it I’ll have grown my hair long and be wearing more eyeliner than a hooker whose rent is due the next day.

Me and my mom got on pretty well, I was a total mamma’s boy. I think that’s why I was so pissed when she dumped me in a mental hospital and promised she’d call me when she got some money and I could come home.

Yeah, she never did call back.

As soppy as it sounds, you don’t forget the face of the person who was your last hope.  You’re probably thinking I’m really depressed and suicidal now, but think whatever you like; I don’t care.

Seeing as I’m labelled by the doctors as a Sociopath, you more than likely think I’m heartless, emotionless and cruel. But let me just explain what my emotions feel like to me.

Numb, that’s what I feel. What is this feeling? It’s nothing, nothing at all. I don’t feel happy or sad, it’s almost like I didn’t make it into heaven or hell so I’m stuck in purgatory.

You know when you’ve been leaning on something for too long and your arm goes all fuzzy and stuff? Imagine that in your brain. I feel completely numb, but still certain bad memories can still conduct pain and hurt. If you get what I mean? I hope you do because I’m not turning into a member of botdf, no way.

Vaguely, I heard footsteps pattering up to me. I turned my head to see a hysterical Evan, and I don’t mean laughing either. He had his typical black hoodie on with the sleeves bunched up and pressed to his eyes trying to cover the fact that he was bawling his eyes out.

He quickly walked over to me and collapsed into a sitting position in front of me.

“Um…” I started, not knowing what to do or say.  He was hunched over with his hands covering his face and his shoulders were shaking with sobs.

Evan kept quiet for about a minute before he looked up at me with watery eyes.

“Oh my god Damon oh my god I’m sorry.” He muttered, covering his face again.

“For?”

“Everything! I’m a goddamn f**k up!” I had actually never heard Evan even curse let alone say a string of them.

“How so?” Evan wiped his nose and took a deep breath before rising to his feet and facing me.

“I seriously pissed off Gage and his friends, they’re gonna kill me!” He ranted, his voice going louder and higher pitched towards the end.

“So, Evano,” I started �" “What did you do to piss off Mr male bravado?” I chuckled and Evan even cracked a smile through his tears.

“Evano? And I accidentally nudged him whilst passing…” Evan muttered, eyes glancing down to his black and white vans. “And then maybe called him an a*****e…”

I burst out laughing and Evan soon joined �" “I’m proud of you, kid.” I grinned, and Evan actually looked shocked.

“You really mean that?” He beamed and I already knew I didn’t have the heart to tell him I was being sarcastic so I just nodded and he smiled wider than I’ve ever seen.

“Can I ask you something?” Evan sat back down on the grass and started absentmindedly picking at it. I didn’t reply and I guess he took it as a yes.

“I know you don’t classify me as a friend but you are literally the only person I have to talk to.” He stuttered slightly, I almost cringed. “You’re probably going to get out before me and forget all about me and I’m going to be left alone again to watch everyone get along just fine without me, again.” A single tear escaped his left eye and he attempted to brush it off. “I don’t know what to do. It hurts, Damon.” He sadly smiled, this was way too girly for my liking but I couldn’t think of a way to get out of it.

I opened my mouth to say something but closed it again.

“Kid, I can assure you that I will be here much longer than you will.” I replied quietly, my voice barely above a whisper.

“I don’t know what on earth is wrong with you upstairs but I hope this is just a phase and we will get over it, because if not I don’t know what I’m going to do.” Evan offered me another sad smile and I felt a slight spark of sadness deep down for him. Innocent people like Evan do not deserve to feel like this.

“Alright.” I clasped my hands together and wiped the sweat onto my jeans. “If you tell anyone, and I mean anyone what I’m about to tell you, I’m going to beat you seven shades of purple. Got it?” I said dangerously, Evan’s eyes widened and he nodded eagerly. I couldn’t believe I was stooping this f*****g low.

“When I was a kid my mom used to always say ‘the moment you think of giving up, think of the reason why you held on so long.” I ran my hand through my hair and looked away from Evan.

“I think that’s the nicest thing I have ever heard come out of your mouth.” Evan chuckled.

“Expect it to be the last thing.” I rolled my eyes and slouched.

After a few minutes of slightly awkward silence, I spotted Evan looking at me.

“Do you ever worry that you’re not going to get better? Or is that just me?”

“I stopped worrying about me a very long time ago.” I sighed happily.

 

 

 

 

Hey guys, I just wanted to say that if any of you feel like this then you need to speak to someone; I'm always open to talk to you in time of need. Just please, if you're feeling s****y then get some help because someone somewhere would be mighty pissed off if you did something stupid. (Me being one of them!)