"Tomorrow," he says

"Tomorrow," he says

A Chapter by TLK
"

Partly from my own childhood.

"
Previous Version
This is a previous version of "Tomorrow," he says.



"Tomorrow," he says

 

Only one person goes into Father's room.
It is not me.
He is like a spider, with many eyes.
He threatens you from his bed.
His breath is sour vinegar and dust.
And,
if you are too loud,
He shouts.

Only one person goes into Father's room.
It is not my younger brother.
"I am not going," he cries.
Not even if you tease him with a toy in the dark corner.
A fabulous toy.
In the dark corner away from the door.
No matter how fabulous you make it,
Even when his fingers are grabbing at the air,
And the breath comes out of his wet lips so you can hear it,
And he is touching the door,
And the door creaks at his touch,
He is already past the floorboards which made the same noise,
He is so close,
He will not do it.
"There is no toy," he will whisper
And even though he is right
You must say
"You are chicken."
But you say this quietly too.
Because,
if you are too loud,
He shouts.

Only one person goes into Father's room.
It is not Mother.
Instead, she calls up from the bottom of the stairs.
She will listen for a while.
She will get nothing.
Then, calling him names,
She will come up the stairs,
Stamping her feet.
She will call out from the landing.
She will listen for a while.
She will get nothing.
Finally she walks up to the door of the bedroom.
She will shout from there.
Sometimes she shouts once.
Sometimes she shouts many times.
She is too loud.
He shouts.
He is louder than her but she has more words to say.
"You are pissing your parents' money away!"
That sounds painful to me.
"I have to tell everyone you are sick!"
Yes.  He is sick.  That is why he is in bed all day.
"Your sickness is called laziness!"
I hope I do not get laziness.
I do not want to be in bed all day.

Only one person goes into Father's room.
It is the charwoman, with her broom.
Once a week she opens the curtain.
He groans.
I listen at the door.
She is busy, cleaning.
She tells him that he has made a disgraceful mess.
She tells him that he has a family to look after.
He talks to her.
He does not shout.
"Tomorrow," he says.




© 2012 TLK





Featured Review

Possibly the best and most complete work I've read on here. I absolutely love the story with it's clear, precise language. You've accomplished the perspective of a child flawlessly. I'm impressed a great deal by this poem and I do think it could be published.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 5 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

Libby

5 Years Ago

You could publish that last one as a poem, easily.
TLK

5 Years Ago

It has more worth, hidden here, potentially only ever to be read by you.

Unless, of cou.. read more
Libby

5 Years Ago

I guess that's fair enough. Prose before hoes/bro's.



Reviews

This is really awesome. Creates a really vivid feelings and atmosphere in me. I do feel that you lost a bit of power after the Mother verse and to the end. I liked the idea that we would never learn who went into Father's room. It is slightly chilling in the beginning and I liked that. I feel that you dilute the image as you go. Beautifully written, maybe just trim a bit?

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I was there! Feeling what the children felt and thinking how the innocence of little ones is marred by the adults surrounding them, them having to take what is dealt and not being able to do anything about it because they are children...
And too, you have shown how adults can be at battle with no truce in sight, yet someone like the charwoman is able to communicate (probably because there is no true emotional tangle) and tell it exactly as it is, yet eliciting a normal level of speech from the man....then you have one wondering if the man is truly depressed, since any healthy person welcomes work... marvelous writing...marvelous...very human story, great writer you..

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

TLK

4 Years Ago

Thank you for being there with me.
Wow...this is brilliantly written!
This is perfect, your technique really is astonishing. Love the choice of words. You really paint a picture with your words - In my mind's eye I could see the closed door and the whispering children...I like how you played with "If you make a noise, he shouts." That was really good.
The stricken patient has forsaken his duties. His sickness has alienated him from the rest of humanity - the charwoman is the only one allowed into his quarantine. Maybe he'll call for a doctor -
Tomorrow?
I hope I never catch laziness either. 100/100 and straight into the favourites.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

TLK

4 Years Ago

Thank you for your review. It's always a delight when a perceptive reader puts time into your writin.. read more
oh, oh . . . perfect ending



This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I swear I could smell this entire story first and then I began to see it. It reminded me a bit of the beginning of 'The Tell Tale Heart' by Poe, where the old man is sleeps in his bed, although the lethargy you tell tale of is perpetual and your mother's anger, unlike the caretaker of the old man's mania, was completely valid. I think it was something about the dark imagery that made the connection in my head. Anyway... this is very well-written, the sensory aspect is especially phenomenal. The ending is rather brilliant and the planning seems impeccable. I also enjoyed how you maintained the mindset of your youth while structuring your thoughts with the wisdom of an adult. Incredible :)

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 5 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

TLK

5 Years Ago

Thank you for being so kind to link me to Poe. I also enjoy that you picked up on the sensory aspec.. read more
Alexandria Reece

5 Years Ago

Indeed and you are very welcome :)
I thought this was very good, and inspirational! I really enjoyed it. Thank you for reading one of my pieces and for writing as well as you do.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 5 Years Ago


This is classic depression. So your father was disabled. This situation seems all to common.
Whilst the subject matter is understandable the writing and depiction of it from a child's uncomprehending standpoint is simply beautifully done. With pathos but without self recrimination. A remarkably impressive piece on all counts.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 5 Years Ago


TLK

5 Years Ago

Thank you. My father was indeed disabled, but by his addiction to booze more than any obvious physi.. read more
Ken Simm.

5 Years Ago

The classic dffierence betwwen childish and childlike. You should study Paul Klee
It's oretty good ! :-) It's a great story but kinda weird to me. I don't undertsand why theyre afraid if he's only lazy. There are also a few gramatical mistakes but I'm sure you'll fix them

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 5 Years Ago


This is a fantastic portrayal of watching a parent in depression told so well and authentically from the perspective of one who is too young to understand. I love your openings of "Only one person goes into Father's room" and then following with who it is not. This is so vivid, so sad, so enlightening....have I blubbered on....I am just lost in the experience of this piece.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 5 Years Ago


TLK

5 Years Ago

Yes, I knew I wanted to get to (what I think is) the only concrete rhyme of 'room' and 'broom', beca.. read more
Shimmerbliss/CAF

5 Years Ago

It worked so well. Excellent in all aspects.
Beautiful poem - powerful yet understated, could imagine the situation perfectly . Don't change anything !

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 5 Years Ago


TLK

5 Years Ago

Two people have told me not to change this so far.
My hands now itch to do just that. I have .. read more
New Dawn

5 Years Ago

Sorry! Didn't mean to leave you in a quandry - just like it as it is
TLK

5 Years Ago

Heh, it's not your fault - I just like to be contrary sometimes.

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14 Reviews
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Shelved in 4 Libraries
Added on August 6, 2012
Last Updated on September 9, 2012
Tags: laziness, alcoholism, child


Author

TLK
TLK

Birmingham, West Midlands, United Kingdom



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Signed up to the Pledge to Civil Conduct in Discourse on Writer's Cafe: please challenge me if you think I am breaking either the letter or the spirit of the rules. I try to review well myself (see.. more..

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