The Crash

I touch my head, and feel that my hair is soaked with some sort of liquid. What is it? It's too dark to see, and it's so quiet. Where am I? I smell smoke and I can hear it crackling, but I can't move. I'm trapped, but trapped in what? I struggle, trying to break loose from whatever is holding me in, but it doesn't budge. I feel something heavy on top of me, pushing down on my body. It hurts. It hurts so bad. I can hear someone else's shallow breathing, but I don't know who it is. I don't even know how I got here. I think I'm in a car, but how can I be sure? All I remember is a scream, and then everything went black.
Now I hear a siren. Does this mean they're coming to save me? Footsteps. I hear footsteps. I try to twist my head around, but the pain is too much to handle. It feels like knives piercing my spine, causing me to cry out in pain. I move my hand around, and it lands on something warm. Is it a person or someone else? Now I can see a glint of light, and voices. Should I try to call out to them or should I save my energy because I don't have much more?
"Ma'am, are you alright?" A man appears in the window, and the flashlight glows right in my face. I try to speak, but I can't. The words just won't come out. Then he flashes the light on the person beside me whose arm I am still touching. He lays still. Too still. Thats when I remember that I couldn't hear the shallow breathing anymore. Thats when I remember what happened.
I was driving on the interstate, and we were singing along to my favorite CD. I wasn't paying enough attention. I was stupid. The other car came off the ramp, but I didn't see it. I was too busy acting silly. I should have been more careful. I should have watched where I was going. Why didn't I listen to my mom when she always told me to keep my eyes on the road? We ran straight into the other car. He screamed, and so did I. The last time we would ever do anything in unison.
"He's gone," I hear an unfamiliar voice say. I scream, and then I feel myself being lifted. I'm being layed on the ground. It's wet, and cold. I killed him. I killed my only brother. Not on purpose, but it was my fault. I can feel the tears streaming down my face. I'm trying to get up, but my body won't move. It's like I'm paralyzed. I hear a familiar voice, and then arms holding me down. I open my eyes, and see my mother standing over me. I feel so guilty underneath her loving stare. "It's going to be okay," she speaks calmly, and strokes my cheek with the back of her hand. I can see the tears welling up in her deep blue eyes, but she holds them back. "I'm....sorry," I choke out, my voice hoarse and barely a whisper, and then everything goes black, again. I'm glad she is the last thing I see.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

It's my first short story, so sorry if it's a bit rough.

Reviews

[Persona]

Absolutely the confusion hits you right away! That’s realistic confusion. Your paragraphing could be better, but I like the plot – drives in a carefree way and kills her brother and herself. Maybe a little too much on the confusion and it sounds like you give up at the end – oh I’ve killed my bro and now I’m dead too.
I think there are unnecessary parts in here. To tighten it up and make it more dramatic, cut after “trapped in what” up to the man speaking – that way there’s more mystery. Because it sounds flat when you read to yourself the same sort of sentence lengths ending with questions – it almost sounds monotone.
Other good bits? Feeling bad for killing her brother – she’s taken full responsibility and crashing in a big issue in the driving world so it’s good you address this and make the reader think about their own careless actions.

[Kevin Anthony]

Saying, "my only brother", instead of just "my brother" made it so much more profound. Well done indeed.

[that-little-green-monst..]

I love this! Great job!

[I'm Just me:)]

this is great!!! i love it!!!

[Odayin]

For your first short story this is great! I like the expanded moment and the limited perspective you had on things. How you slowly revealed what happened as if you were really just remembering. The aftermath was excellent, sad, but done right. And I thought the very end was great. All in all, great story and keep up the good work