Comatose

12 word horror story contest ~ Winner Thank you Zahra for hosting and judging.

~ rhythmic. thuds.  ~ 

~ of earth. ~

~ disguised. screams. ~

~ and scraping. ~ 

~ beneath the. ~

~ casket. lid. ~

Reviews

[SleeplessVolcano]

I think this worked brilliantly.......Thoughts going through either the mind of the person in the casket, or the one hearing any screams.......would mimic a rhythm, and quite frankly, when I read this out loud, it sounds like a beating heart - quite apt, for one about to die due to suffocation.

I was nine years old when my older brother told me stories of people buried alive hundreds of years ago, but they were not really dead, and then the casket bumping against the bottom of the grave gave their hearts a jolt and they started breathing.....only to discover their horrible fate.......I labelled those nightmares, "The casket chronicles".......0:

[ANTO]

SV I wrote this after reading of a teen girl who came round after being put in her tomb in a mausoleum - her family videoed themselves smashing open the tomb (alabaster or thin marble, I think). I remember seeing a program which said bells were attached to some graves so the occupant could ring if they came to. - the stuff of nightmares...
:))

[Dogbomb3]

Very effective, really conjures up the image of being buried alive. Maybe you could just use the tilde marks on the top line (rather than every line) to signify the surface of the soil.

[ANTO]

Thank you Dogbomb3 and I really like that idea but the blooming site won't let me post edits or new poems at the minute or do much else than review but yeah, that's a great idea, thanks.
:))

[BookWorm]

The styling is weird but I really like it. It makes me think of someone being buried alive.

[ANTO]

It is about that horrible scenario. Based on seeing an article of a young girl who was buried alive last year. I was trying to get a coffin shape (in profile) with the hyphens either side representing the mud around the coffin.
Thanks for reviewing BookWorm.

[BookWorm]

of course, I like your style of writing. its...unconventional. that's pretty cool

[M. L. F.]

Very cool concept... I like..

[ANTO]

Thank you very much M.L. Stuitje I'm glad you like this.

[M. L. F.]

No problem..

[.]

A very interesting piece, Anto.

The concept of being buried alive. Doesn't that scare the s**t out of everyone?

Well Done!

[ANTO]

I know Doodley, as if there wouldn't already be enough soil too.. lol
thanks for reviewing - HEY !! I can reply again Yayy!! Thanks Mods...

[Great Aunt Astri]

OOOOH er, yes! very chilling!

[Zyle Christian William ..]

I love this! Experimental writing fascinates me so and you have done a nice job with this! These words conjure so many images and emotions, I can still feel the after burn of anxiety! It's no wonder you won this contest. Nicely written, ANTO!

[Solar]

It worked - and the silence implied at the end too.