Comatose

12 word horror story contest ~ Winner Thank you Zahra for hosting and judging.

~ rhythmic. thuds.  ~ 

~ of earth. ~

~ disguised. screams. ~

~ and scraping. ~ 

~ beneath the. ~

~ casket. lid. ~

Reviews

[SleeplessVolcano]

I think this worked brilliantly.......Thoughts going through either the mind of the person in the casket, or the one hearing any screams.......would mimic a rhythm, and quite frankly, when I read this out loud, it sounds like a beating heart - quite apt, for one about to die due to suffocation.

I was nine years old when my older brother told me stories of people buried alive hundreds of years ago, but they were not really dead, and then the casket bumping against the bottom of the grave gave their hearts a jolt and they started breathing.....only to discover their horrible fate.......I labelled those nightmares, "The casket chronicles".......0:

[ANTO]

SV I wrote this after reading of a teen girl who came round after being put in her tomb in a mausoleum - her family videoed themselves smashing open the tomb (alabaster or thin marble, I think). I remember seeing a program which said bells were attached to some graves so the occupant could ring if they came to. - the stuff of nightmares...
:))

[Terrence Chang]

Short, neat, crisp, to the point. Outstanding work Anto

[ANTO]

Thank you Terrence - too kind my friend. :)

[Terrence Chang]

Your welcome Anto. Beside you have written it well

[Willard Wells]

Short verse is one of my favorites and you did it proud with this piece. Very well done.

[ANTO]

My first sojourn into story world Will, thank you for your encouraging words. I appreciate them muchly. :))

[Beccy]

Hi Anto. I have known, since the time I first contemplated shuffling off this mortal coil, that cremation is absolutely my choice. I imagine there is not a single person on this planet who would not fear such a fate as you describe.

As for the format, it works really well, even in so few lines the tension builds admirably.

Beccy.

[ANTO]

Hi Beccy - thanks for such an engaging review.
I think you and Terps both noted how primal the fear is that this is based on.
You're always very kind to my writing - thanks Beccy. :))

[Joel Armstrong]

This is intense. I loved it though. To be able to showcase a story in 12 words? Wow...
Six feet under is wat u meant by the 6 lines I presume?. Very cleverly written my friend.

[ANTO]

Wow Joel - I like the new avatar - very stylish mate.
Yes six lines - six feet - well spotted. I appreciate your words very much Joel. Thank you.

[Joel Armstrong]

Hehe.thanks anto.
And ur welcome : )

[Terpsichore]

Yeah it did. Most peoples worst nightmare brought to life in six lines. I think I'd bite through a vein. T

[ANTO]

Thanks T. I based this on a true story I read of a girl in Honduras who during the summer was buried but came to and was rescued when her relatives smashed open the tomb/mausoleum. (Sadly she died for real 3 days later). :/

[mattavelli]

I'd caught the rhythm, but didn't realize that it was six feet deep.
Ya, very nice. It's a fun layout to read and it's creepy.

[ANTO]

Thanks Matt. When asked about their feelings on this scenario some people say "Please cremate me" (supposedly to avoid the long agonising death) but what if...you came to... in the casket that was burning !! Aaargh

[Ruth]

Damn...actually intensely disturbing, mission accomplished :)

[ANTO]

I think some refinements to get it ready for Halloween lol. Thank you Poppy always a pleasure. :))

[Lizardo]

It did and pretty good I must say.
It's good to hear from you again Anto, it is.
Great work you have here :)

[ANTO]

Thank you Lizardo. Great to see you back on WC too. :)

[~]

oh my.. ANTO.. this was brilliant.
And that casket shape fits perfectly. You can write anything. It is good to have you back.
(are purple hugs still allowed? :)

[ANTO]

Thank you Moon. Its good to be back. Thanks for the wonderful compliments. Yes purple hugs are still legal tender in WC lol.

[~]

:) do you have a tan now? :D

[Briana]

I'll freely admit I had to read this out loud to get the rhythm correct. Still, I greatly enjoyed it. Wonderfully done.

[ANTO]

Thank you Briana. I appreciate that its still a work in progress - thank so much for your constructive review. Thanks :D