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George, there is a lot to like in this. I think it would work better if you took more care of your meter. The 7 syllable lines seem to work best. Look at the rhythm of fourth stanza (assuming that blank line in the third is a typo):

[i]One with spirit, one with grace
With one look, she found her space
Welcome, welcome, so intense[/i]

I've removed "now" so all three lines had 7 syllables. That works better, although it seems to scream for another line.

The first stanza is another case. You can often drop pronouns, when they are obvious:

Flirty and vulnerable
Magic and mystical
Beauty had met its match

7-6-6 seems much less awkward than 9-6-7, especially here as you can swallow a syllable in "vulner'ble."

When you are rhyming, you need to be very careful of your rhythm, even when you are varying your pattern. The rhythm helps smooth it out.

Concerning the content, I would have liked to seem more about the look. It's so important, but you only just mention it in the last line. Surely, it needs expansion. Tell us about it.

Posted 9 Months Ago