The Freedom of a Rainy Day

1. I’m sorry-I forgot that in-between “professional networking” and “taking care of banal daily tasks and errands” and “gather data for my graduate degree” I was supposed to have included, “get sexually violated” to my to-do list today. 2. I forgot that I exist to fulfill the fantasies of strangers in dark alleyways and bus stops and subways and hallways in public spaces and wherever the hell else I am not supposed to be 3. I forgot it is a crime to walk outside by myself or do anything without a group around me or [preferably] a man beside me because apparently I do not actually exist as a human subject 4. I forgot I need to be reminded to normalize it all and that everything that happens is my fault- that I chose the wrong hour or bus or clothes or place or or or… 5. I forgot that other women can be the ones who tear you down the most if you try to stand up with your own thoughts of a life that does not fit into the model their parents created for them or ideas that have not yet been tested or anything else that looks a little too much like freedom to laugh on a rainy day 6. I forgot that we are supposed to uphold the ideals of equality but never stand out by demanding them, living them, or recognizing others who live by them; that social exclusion is the prescribed punishment for not fitting in and is dose-dependent on severity of the crime 7. I forgot that I am supposed pleasantly eat all the s**t shoveled onto my plate via emotional manipulation and sexual-cultural superiority without the slightest display of aggravation or despair or concern or anger or anything except forced pleasantness and assertions that ‘yes I like the taste’ 8. I forgot that defending myself or the expression of strong emotion or the voicing of a demand to be left alone, just simply left alone, is a cause for ridicule and derision and suspicion and labeling of ‘ungenerous b***h’ 9. I forgot that my skin and hair mean I owe something to everyone whose path I cross and that it is a sin to simply sit for 5 minutes in a public space and to read or book or snap a photo or rest when my feet hurt means I am either spoiled or rich or asking to be harassed and that the mistreatment of your ancestors was specifically my fault as well 10. I forgot that every part of me is something to be appropriated if it pleases you and that my suitability for leadership or presence is the perceived hotness of my face and a*s and tits. I am genuinely sorry if my words offend you today.

Author's Note

This piece was inspired after I was sexually harassed/ assaulted while committing the crime of waiting for a bus in a tourist town in Mexico. It was, unfortunately, the fifth similar public incident in the past 2 months. Added onto the daily racial and gender profiling I receive every tme I step out my door. It is about the entitlement culture, rape culture, repression culture, victim-blaming culture. It is about releasing enough anger and fear that I can breathe and keep going another day.

Picture is my own. It is a polluted waterway in a town near mine- to me, there is a lot of relation between abuse towards women and abuse towards animals and the natural world.

Reviews

[h d e rushin]

i read this and thought, none of us write as often as we use to. Which means that there are things that causes us to cease for a time; there are intervals between the parts of life's experiences:

"I forgot i need to be reminded to normalize it all and that everything that happens is my fault". Truth be told is that anything that happens is all of our faults. Whether love, the agony of it or the agony of wanting it. Whether sex or the agony of it or the agony of wanting it.......everything..........well said my friend...dana

[Raquelita]

I am writing a lot, dana, after a brief absence. Just that most of it now has been in Spanish, as I try to find my footing and flight in a new home. I am slowly starting to have the confidence again to be back on here, more often. I am finishing my 400+ pages of publication, and will have more time to devote to reviews, responses, and my writing; next month. Much love, as always. I so appreciate your insights. I have decided to start including mini-blog -type posts with my newer works to see if it helps people better understand my own work, since it often is so cross-cultural in a way that I think few can relate to. Love and hugs, Marie.

[kmartell]

So good. truth is truth. and this is...I need to read it over and over.