Mistake

Walking down a street at night

Lost in thought and all alone

Convince yourself that you're alright

Knowing that you can't go home

Your dreams are crushed by one mistake

Your own forgiveness you fail to ask

A nagging fear that you cant shake

Lies behind your empty mask

Oh dear God, what have you done

To put your life in such ruin

A creature its own parents shun

And leave it walking in the moon

Lonely heart now turning black

If only you could take it back...

 

Author's Note

Comments?

Reviews

[Nidheesh Sankaran]

Nice one !!!! Would really find interesting to c more of it!!!!

[C. Rose]

*you're
*can't
*can't
ruin and moon don't rhyme
alone and home don't rhyme
I recommend capitalizing "a" and "if" at the beginning of lines so they don't stand out as lower case.

I recommend breaking this into 3 quartets and a couplet.

I like the consistent feeling of regret, without becoming repetitive.
Bits I liked: "...empty mask" "creature..." etc.
Well done with aggressive verbs like crush, shun, ruin

[Kayleen]

Thanks. and ir regards to the rhyming, they are half rhymes. A very common literary tool and a common practice in poetry and verse. I am surprised you are unaware of them. Also depending on how you pronounce Ruin,( Rune vs Roo-en) Moon and Ruin do rhyme ;)
WIKI:
Half rhyme or slant rhyme: sometimes called near-rhyme or lazy rhyme, is a type of rhyme formed by words with similar but not identical sounds. In most instances, either the vowel segments are different while the consonants are identical, or vice versa. This type of rhyme is also called approximate rhyme, inexact rhyme, imperfect rhyme (in contrast to perfect rhyme), off rhyme, analyzed rhyme, or suspended rhyme.[1][2]

Half rhyme is often used, along with assonance, This can be used to avoid rhyming clichés (e.g. rhyming "knowledge" with "college") or obvious rhymes, and gives the writer greater freedom and flexibility in forming lines of verse. Additionally, some words have no perfect rhyme in English, necessitating the use of slant rhyme.[3]

[Matthew Paul]

IT is true asking forgiveness is important. God knows I have asked a lot. There are few people I am sure Id need to ask too, but its a matter of finding everyone.. But i feel repentance is the next best thing, from there I guess you just live on and learn, hope for the love to grow, work hard to better your ill old ways.

I like this. It is a hard subject to breach without sounding judgmental. You did well.