Falling Unconscious (And Other Things)

 

Laying alone in the dark is kind of the last thing you want to do before you go unconscious, right?

Doesn’t that sound as joyous as being forced to eat a small child?

Well, doesn’t it?

Yeah.

Got some news for you.

Unless you’re an insomniac/vampire/something...YOU DO THIS EVERY NIGHT.

Right before you fall unconscious I mean comatose asleep.

Except if you live in a part of the world where the sun shines for a month, like Alaska, where you are forced to pull blinds over your windows to get some shut-eye.

 Sorry citizens of AK, U.S.A. I guess you don’t know how I feel.

(If you are NOT an Alaskan, or something, you MIGHT BE an unfortunate victim of nyctophobia (fear of the dark), or you could have some unfortunately small amount of adenosine floating in your system)

What the _____ is adenosine, you’re probably thinking.

Well, this happy little chemical builds up in our blood while we’re awake and skipping around and then suddenly s***s on us when we decide to lay on a comfy, blanket-covered platform known as a BED. This pleasant bundle of joy is common among folks. Unless you’re a vampire. Then you don’t know what this object is. Somewhat like a coffin. Just with no lid.

 ANYWAY this little bogey called adenosine gradually breaks down into tiny pieces while we sleep. We wake up when the adrenocorticotropin kicks in. But that’s a different story.

SO ANYWAY, while you and your non-vampirish self are in sleep mode, there are little images and sounds and feelings running around in your head that allow you to think that you are experiencing something that ACTUALLY ISN’T HAPPENING. Kind of your mind’s way of taking revenge on you for ignoring it for 5 to 8 to 10 to 12 to 15 hours at a time.

Typically, these little images and sounds and feelings running around in your head do not make any sense. If they do, well…sorry about that. Little images and sounds and feelings running around in your head that make absolutely NO SENSE are kind of fun to experience, unless they’re about giant, immortal gummy bears that digest you slowly through the course of a thousand years like the Sarlacc Pitt, while making you swim through an ocean of spoiled deviled eggs known as It’s Large Intestine. Those are unpleasant. But we’re talking about something else…dreams.

As you may have guessed, dreams are the positive denotation (last time I’m going to say this, I swear) for those little images and sounds and feelings that run around in your head. Nightmares are the negative denotation of said meaning.  Again, unless you’re some sort of twisted weirdo who probably is That Guy who actually ENJOYS nightmaring. Sure, you could find nightmares interesting, thought-provoking, or even…fascinating. But as far as relishing in them for personal delight, I’m sorry…you are That Guy.

Oh. And everyone dreams. Unless you’re snoring. There’s no denying it. It just depends on if you remember them or not. So don’t think you’re some sort of stone-hearted hard a*s who can control your mind while you’re unconscious. No. You’re not that cool. I wish you were.

 Most people’s dreams are in color. Only 12% of humanity/non-vampires dream in black and white. Those 12% mostly consist of Old People. SO, if you’re under 65, YOU ARE PROBABLY PART OF THE EVER SO COMMON 88%. But don’t worry. Color kind of seems better anyway. Unless you’re into early 20^th century film noirs. Then BE jealous of the Old People.

You can’t sleep while you’re standing. It may SEEM like you are, but actually it’s just a temporary state of mental shut down.

If you do fall asleep while standing, then you know ONE thing.

You. Are. An. Elephant.

I’m sorry.

Unless you like being an elephant. Spouting water out of your nasal cavity…huge, flamboyant ears…and a mythical fear of mice? Cool. Beans.

So remember that thing called adrenocorticotropin that automatically wakes you up? Yeah. Well, that’s why you wake up.

OR when that annoying clusterbag of irritation I will only identify as a Noisy Screechy Box of Anti-Joy goes off. This object is ALWAYS blindly smashed by an aggravated fist after a few seconds of sounding its First Waking Call.  Depending on the human/non-vampire being AWOKEN by the Noisy Screechy Box of Anti-Joy, this button that is sightlessly pounded upon may be one of two things:

1.       The “Off button”

Or,

2.   This EVIL button that causes the presser to almost fall back into a nice bit of slumber before sounding off again NINE MINUTES LATER (not ten) only to be probably smacked upon again for a second time.  Conclusively, the use of this button is to delay the eventual wake of the human/non-vampire and cause them to spaz up in a funk of horror when they realize they are X Amount of Time late to work/school/appointment/squirrel-catching practice.

Unless you are some twisted freak who sets up these things for no reason. Then I will let you drown in the misery of the Noisy Screechy Boxes of Anti-Joy.

…I really hate alarm clocks.

So, I guess that’s all there really is to know about sleep, without boring you to death. So…I guess now would be a great time to say that, no, I am not obsessed with sleep or anything, I just find it kind of mysteriously weird. And I also kind of want to know why it’s necessary, because I do not do much of it.

The end.

Oh.

I must apologize.

I was just notified that only Twilight vampires don’t sleep.

So I guess if you’re a regular vampire this all applies to you too.

But I’m thinking most of you are humans.

Author's Note

this was just kind of a tangent...sorry if any of my facts SEEM to be offensive or incorrect. But they're right. I would explain how I know them, but, it's not a medical report... xD

Reviews

[AndyJCash]

Was going to question the statistics and facts haha, I know it irritates a lot of people if you make up random facts, it actually annoys about 45% of people ;) But this was a really interesting piece, unique and odd, at times a little bit random to follow. It was good :P

[Sir Robert Robbie Lord ..]

the mind does not not like to bare it all
the mind does not like to be always aware
says, Bobby the bear and very clever certain lines i really enjoy'd
good write, i like your words

[Sarah E. Pearson]

Excellent piece. Besides it being informatve it has an uderlying humor that makes reading it just that much more worth it.

[S.Hunt]

Enjoyed and laughed
but love to sleep- good job

[Marie Harrison]

Unique vampire story

[Miss Marie Riorden.]

XD , ok. Just for one. That was amazing! Haha, I loved reading that. It's so true (Even tho I don't have a Noisy Screechy Box of Anti-Joy XD)
We all think at night, and if someone is freak enough to like nightmares. . Oh jee I feel sorry for who they are, becuz I, for one, hate them. I seriously enjoy how you wrote this out in your own way and used bigger words (for those who didn't know them. Hahaha, I do only because I learned them last year) and feeling smart. I don't think this was a boring way to put it. And the reference of vampires is just funny. I think I agree with your question tho. Why exactly do we need sleep?

-Marie-

[Omar Fendri]

lol ... this is the best article I have ever read...you open my mind more to think about things that haunted my mind actually but never tried to ponder about them... I was afraid if I won't have the best answer, you know, to nourish my knowledge... actually, this article had the funniest missed answers of all the time.. Thanks for sharing. you made smile really... Well, I like that the funny side of yourself touched every paragraph here... ADORATION.

[Jess Holden]

very much enjoyed learning xD made me smile quite a bit as well :)

[Kenneth The Poet]

Off the goddamn wall.