I'll Never Forget You

I wish he could see this

Soo.....this is hard for me. I could tell that you were acting different and I asked you what was wrong. You said nothing. The next few days you give me the cold shoulder and I’m left wondering what I did wrong. And I went to bed last night with a nightmare.

I was with you in a meadow and my stomach was filled with butterflies, my heart was racing and I couldn't think straight. I couldn't even get that goofy grin off of my face. I followed you around like a lost puppy because I thought you were it. How stupid of me, right? I honestly thought you cared enough to want to be with me. I thought you would want to hold my hand in public, to kiss me in the rain and make me feel like something. Well I’m feel like I’m drowning in ice water and I can’t see the sun. I shake as I let my tears fall only to have them freeze on my cheeks. You acted like you really liked me. You acted.

I’m mad at you. But then again, I’m not. You gave me a feeling that I hadn't felt in a long time. You made me feel special. And the way you took my hand when we were alone....I felt like you wanted me. We cuddled on my couch when my parents weren't looking and you showed me your past.

This was kind of unexpected to me. I really didn't see it coming. I was that blinded by you. But I oddly liked it. You told me that I was beautiful, that my laugh was hysterical and that you loved my eyes; how they were green one day and hazel the next. You told me that you always like my hair color and that I was one of the nicest people you've ever met.

I know you weren't lying about that. You hate liars because you were lied to so much when you were young. But still you lead me on too far.

That’s why my walls are back up. I really hate doing this because I never liked this wall. It was up for a while and then you came and knocked it down. You let me see things that that wall was blocking me from seeing. But now I know why it was up in the first place. Without that wall, I was defenseless, up for grabs. And you somehow shot me right in the heart.

I remember dreaming about your blue eyes. I’m a sucker for blue eyes. You knew that.  I dreamt that you would look right into my eyes, just stare at me. Then you’d smile and whisper; ‘I love you.’ And then after that? You’d lean in slowly and place your lips gently on top of mine. Yes, I dreamt about that.

You were there when I first began to fall, but you walked away at the last second so my face hit the cold floor. You got me more than anyone. You were the one who picked me up after I was mistreated by my ex boyfriend. You were the one who made me feel like I meant something.

I’m not going to try to forgive you. But I won’t call you, no matter how much I want to. And I’ll want to. Now I need to be alone. I know I can’t always get my way but I was hoping that things would change for once. I wish I didn't fall for you as hard as I did because then things could be the way they used to be.

I just need to clear my mind....but whenever I try to, I always wonder where you are, what you’re doing and what you’re thinking about. All the little things that you did for me...they got to me and made my heart melt. I’ll never forget those little things. I’ll miss them.

I should get over you. But look at me? I can’t give up but I’m such a wreck over you. Why do I do this to myself? Why did you do this to me? You could see that I was weak and needed help. You tried but succeeded in the wrong way.

I knew that I moved too fast, that I was too sudden. I wish you would have given me a sign though. Because now I just look stupid. Where were you when I needed you the most? You were gone, deciding that you were wrong about me, that you didn't want me. Now my blue skies are fading to grey, my green grass fading to brown.

I hope I move on fast. I really do. I don’t want to waste this time mourning over what never was. I feel so foolish now. My magic is lost and now I’m trapped behind my wall once more.

But what’s that? There’s a little hole in the center. As I feel my legs come to live, I slowly move towards it and I drop my eye to look out of it.

And there you are. You’re standing there with tears in your eyes as you stare back. You mouth the words ‘I’m sorry’ but I just shake my head as I feel my own tears spilling out of my eyes. I place my hand over the hole and soon I feel the sweet touch of your skin on mine. And I can’t help but let my hand linger out of old habits.

“I won’t forget you. Don’t forget about me.” I whisper into our hands, my eyes closed but tears continue to flow.

“I’m sorry.” I hear him whisper back. “Come over here. We can be friends.”

“I’d give up forever to be with you. You made me feel like heaven was touchable. Whenever I was with you, I never wanted to go home. I breathed out your name every night. But I don’t want you to see me like because you don’t understand how much you broke me. I thought you knew who I was but you don’t. You don’t feel like I do. Look at us. We can’t fight these tears now-” A loud thud hits against my wall.

“What are you doing?!” I scream in terror as he yelps from the other side.

“I’m trying to break you free! I didn't want you to end up like this!” He cries out and with every thud I hear, the harder I cry.

“You meant everything to me! You took me to places I never knew existed! Everything you did amazed me! I’m left with nothing now and it’s all because of you. I remember the first day we met, all those moments we spent together. All those laughs.....I’ll never forget them. Every time I close my eyes I see your smile and I believed in this...in you! I trusted you with every fiber in my being! I tried so hard to read you to make sure I wouldn't mess this up. But I did anyway. I called you to hear your voice because I missed hearing it. I would hug you a lot because I missed having your arms wrapped around me. But you tossed that away. You don’t feel the same as I do. I thought you did. You made me believe that you did. Shame on me. Congratulations for playing me harder than anyone ever has! I can’t let you back in after what you've done!” I turn behind me to see a silver blade.  Reaching down, I pick it up. At the touch, shivers erupt in my body and a soft smile comes on my face.

“Put it down! Don’t do that!”

“Blood is the symbol of forgiveness. I have to know that I’m still alive.” One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Se-

“STOP! I never meant to hurt you!” The blade drops and I run back to the hole. His head hangs low in shame and his shoulders shake.

“I’m the one that’s sorry.” I mumble. His head perks up and his deep blue eyes that I fell in love with gaze into me.

“What?” He asks with an unbelievable tone.

“I don’t want to miss you anymore. I need to be alone now. You can’t help me. No one can. So I’ll stay behind these walls by myself. I’ll live without you, by myself and I’ll love you forever, by myself. You didn't want to hurt me? You did. You lied to me. And because of you, I lied to not only myself but everyone else I love. I won’t see you again. So please....don’t waste your time on me. The more I see you the more I break inside. It hurts too much to be around you.”

“You loved me?” He asks dumbfounded.

“I thought it was pretty obvious. Goodbye.” I turn away from him, savoring the last glimpses I have of him. I walk past the blade and continue down an invisible road that hopefully will lead me to who I am supposed to be. I don’t care how long of a walk it is, how badly my feet will hurt or how much it will pain me to be this far away from him, I’ll do it if it means finally being happy.

“I’ll never forget you.”