Ten

            Slowly, I felt myself awaken, and I was uncomfortably warm�"sweating even. Instinctively, I tried to kick the blanket off myself, but there was no blanket on me. I opened my eyes and realized I was still at the lake with Ethan. The blanket was piled up at my feet and I was lying beside Ethan in the grass, my body wrapped into his, my head resting on his chest. He still had his arm wrapped tightly around me, and his other hand held mine on his stomach.

            I looked around without lifting my head off Ethan’s chest�"I didn’t want to wake him. The fire was out, having burnt all the twigs and leaving the one log we’d placed in there black. The bag of marshmallows sat open on the ground, and I could see the millions of ants and other bugs crawling through it. I shuddered involuntarily.

            Again, I felt incredibly warm. I sat up and stripped out of my jacket, feeling the brisk morning air hit me straight away.

            “What are you doing?” Ethan asked, his voice clear as day, as if he hadn’t just been sleeping.

            I jumped at the sound of his voice and turned to face him. “Were you awake this whole time?”

            “Yes,” he answered simply. I gave him a weird look, so he said, “I didn’t want to wake you. You just look so cute when you sleep.”

            I couldn’t tell if he was serious or not, so I decided to take it as a joke. I rolled my eyes and made a faked a gag.

            “You’re shivering,” Ethan pointed out. I hadn’t realized it until he said something. “You should put your coat back on. Why’d you take it off in the first place?”

            I did as he suggested and slipped it back on. “I was really warm for some reason. And I didn’t even have the blanket on me.”

            “Sorry, that was probably because of me,” he apologized, sounding sheepish.

            I laughed. “What are you? You’re like my own personal sauna.”

            He gave me a crooked smile. “I’m yours?” he asked, and winked playfully.

            I swatted at him. “Oh, you know what I mean.”

            “Yeah,” he said, laughing. “So do you think your mom is worried?”

            “Nah. I doubt she even realizes I’m gone.”

            I watched as Ethan frowned. “Oh. That’s tough.”

            I was thankful he understood that, even though my mom hardly acknowledged my existence, this wasn’t a good thing. Sure, I could go out whenever I wanted to and my mom wouldn’t even notice I was gone�"which is every teenager’s dream�"but I felt unloved most of the time, unwanted. Ethan seemed to get this.

            He searched my eyes and gave me a small, encouraging smile. “Keep pushing on,” he said. “Things have a way of working themselves out.”

            If anyone else had said this to me, I probably would have thought it was cheesy, and laughed in their face. But Ethan seemed so sincere, so understanding… I had to believe he was advising me through his own personal experience, and�"yet again�"I wanted to know more about him. I wanted to know what kind of secrets he was keeping bottled up so tightly. I wanted to know everything  there was to know about him.

            I wished I had the guts to ask him something personal�"anything really. But I didn’t, that wasn’t me. The best I could hope for was that, maybe in time, Ethan would let me know him better. I wanted him to open up for me; the way I always seemed to whenever we were alone together.

            “I hope so. We should go now,” I said, checking my watch. It was almost eleven in the morning.

            “You’re probably right,” he agreed, standing up and stretching. His jacket and his shirt underneath lifted up at the bottom as he stretched his arms above his head. I caught a glimpse of his midriff, and he had very defined crotch lines�"which proved just how fit he was.

            I tried not to stare, or drool, for that matter. I cleared my throat, trying to keep my focus on something�"anything else.

            “What time did we fall asleep last night?” I asked.

            “Umm…” He looked at his watch, squinting slightly. “You passed out on me around twelve-thirty, I’m guessing.”

            I laughed. “Passed out?”

            “Yeah! We were talking and there was a pause in the conversation. When I go to ask you a question, you’re lying there, snoring away,” he explained dramatically.

            “I do not snore!” I shrieked, getting up and chasing him around the fire pit, threatening to smack him.

            He spun around and ran backwards, giving me a “you-can’t-catch-me” look. Then he tripped over the bag of marshmallows, and I stumbled over him. I landed right on top of him, our faces practically touching.

            “I’m sorry,” I whispered, but I couldn’t force myself to move.

            He lifted his hand and gently caressed my face, staring deep into my eyes. I focused on the flecks of yellow in his eyes, never wanting to forget this very moment. It was if he was reading me, looking into my soul. I felt exposed�"like my eyes would give away my deepest desires, my darkest secrets. Yet, I couldn’t look away.

            “Heidi,” he whispered, so softly I wondered if I’d just imagined it. But no, I saw his lips move slightly, his tongue curving around the sound of my name.

            I wanted so desperately to kiss him�"the moment was perfect. But I couldn’t do it, I was too scared. What if he didn’t like me? What if he wanted me to get off of him? What if he was just whispering my name because I was cutting off his air supply and�"

            I quickly jumped off of him, letting my thoughts get to me. I mentally kicked myself for ruining the moment. I was so stupid, so paranoid. For some reason, it was just too hard for me to picture such a good guy like Ethan liking me… I was tempted to smack myself in the forehead�"I was so frustrated with myself!

            Ethan stood up and wiped himself off. “We should go now.”

            “Yeah,” I mumbled, gathering the quilt and the picnic basket. We walked silently to my car and got inside. I started the ignition and drove off, all the while fully aware of the tension between Ethan and me.

            The whole drive home, I scolded myself silently. Ethan just sat quietly.

            “Where do you live?” I asked.

            He directed me on where to go, and after a few minutes we pulled into the driveway of a small house that resembled a log cabin. I couldn’t help but thinking how cute it was, and it suited Ethan perfectly. It was pushed back into the trees, and he had no neighbors at all.

            “Well, I see why you might feel lonely…” I commented. “Feels like your house is in the middle of nowhere.”

            “Yeah, no neighbors. It does get lonely, but you get used to it.”

            I nodded as he got out of the car.

            “Thanks for the fun night, Heidi,” he said, closing the car door and walking up the front walkway to his house.

            I sat in his driveway for a few minutes, staring straight ahead, tears filling my eyes. I ruined everything, I thought. I’m such an idiot!

            Maybe, if I had of kissed Ethan, it would’ve straightened everything out. Maybe I could’ve figured out the way I really felt about him. I wanted to kiss him, but that could’ve meant anything. That didn’t have to mean that I liked him, did it? I was so confused.

            Just as I was about to pull out of the driveway, there was a sudden tap on my window, causing me to jump. It was Ethan. I rolled down the window, prepared to yell at him for startling me again.

            “You scared me! I�"”

            But I was cut off. Ethan leaned into the window, placed his hand under my chin and kissed me. I mean, he really kissed me. It felt like my stomach was doing flips, and I heard a surprised noise escape my throat. But the moment caught up with me, and my eyes closed slowly. I focused on the softness of his lips, the warmth of his breath, the sweetness of his tongue.

He kissed me so gently�"he seemed to make sure he was under control; like he was afraid that if he wasn’t, he would hurt me. I could feel all my nerves charged, waiting on end.

            Too soon it seemed Ethan pulled away. My eyes fluttered open and I took in his crooked smile, his laughing eyes. I just sat there, staring at him, my mouth hanging open. I didn’t know what to think.

            Before I could ask where that came from, Ethan turned around and walked away. I heard him chuckle at my expense as he disappeared inside his house, the door closing behind him.

            As I drove home, nothing seemed to be registering. I felt like I was in shock�"except it was in a good way, which I wasn’t even sure made sense. I wasn’t thinking straight, and I felt a little dizzy.

            I pulled over to the side of the road, afraid this would have an effect on my driving capabilities. As soon as I turned off the car, I burst out laughing. What was I freaking out about? It was just a kiss! It wasn’t like I’d never kissed a guy before, because I had. Ethan was different, though. The first word that came to mind when I thought of him was enchanting. I’d never felt so passionate about just one kiss before. It had left me speechless and befuddled. It felt like my first kiss all over again.

 

{   -   -   -   }

 

            “Where have you been?” Ray yelled as soon as I walked through the door.

            “I fell asleep,” I replied, shrugging.

            “Where?” he demanded.

            “At the lake, okay?” I snapped, matching his tone.

            “Heidi! You could’ve called or at least texted me! I had no idea where you were!”

            “I fell asleep! Sorry if I didn’t stop myself to call you before nodding off! I wasn’t planning on spending the night sleeping in the grass! So excuse me.” I didn’t know why I was suddenly so defensive, but Ray never yelled me at this way, and it got my back up.

            He closed his eyes and took a deep, calming breath. “I’m sorry. I was just really worried.”

            “Since when has it been your responsibility to replace dad?” I narrowed my eyes at him.

            “Since he died and mom can’t even be bothered to waste her time with us!” he yelled, kicking shut an open cupboard with such force I was sure it was going to fly off.

            This was a side of Ray I’d never seen. He wasn’t the angry type�"he always hid his emotions. I suddenly felt frightened.

            “Really Ray? ‘Cause you know, with all your partying, I thought it was my job to look after you,” I replied coldly.

            His expression changed to one of misunderstanding. “What do you think I do at the parties I go to?”

            “Oh, I don’t know! Hook up with girls, do drugs, drink yourself into oblivion! Who knows what you do when you’re gone all hours of the night!”

            “Do you even know me at all, Heidi? I’m not like that. I don’t use girls just for hook ups, I’ve never done drugs in my life and�"yes, okay I drink�"but I don’t get drunk. Believe it or not, I’m responsible. I go to parties to be with my friends. Not to ‘live it up’,” he explained, using his fingers as air quotes.

            I was shocked. All the things I’d been worrying Ray was getting into and it turned out that he was probably more responsible than I was.

            I was quiet for a minute. “I’m sorry, Ray. I was just scared that you were making… bad decisions, I guess. It’s just that you’re never home, and whenever you are, you’re in your room. I just assumed that you were nursing a bad hangover or something. I don’t know.” I felt stupid and ridiculous. I knew my face was red from embarrassment, and I was ashamed of myself. I should’ve known that Ray wasn’t dumb�"he knew right from wrong.

            “I’m never home because I can’t handle it here. Mom is too much for me. She just doesn’t care anymore, and I don’t want to be around that�"which is the same reason I stay up in my room when I’m home. You know how it is; you do the exact same thing.”

            “Yeah, I guess you’re right. I’m really sorry,” I said sheepishly.

            “I know,” Ray replied, walking over to me and giving me a quick hug.

            “Oh, and speaking of mom, I was thinking… we have to help her. We can’t go on like this, and you know it.”

            “What did you have in mind?”

            I thought for a moment. “Umm… Well, she has a lot of money. How does a therapist sound?”

            His face scrunched up at this. “A therapist? That sounds like something a rich-b***h would go for.”

            “Exactly,” I said, shrugging. “Maybe it’s just what mom needs.”

            Ray sighed. “We’ll never get her to agree to this.”