The underground car park

Neeta gets stuck on the school bus with half the football team,she has to work together with the captain who is a jerk to find a way out after they were left in an underground car park.

Chapter one
"Bye! See you tomorrow." Neeta says and gets on the bus.
There was no other student on the bus yet. She sighed as she realised that she would have to wait for the bus to be filled. She picks up a novel from her bag and buries her face into it.
Moments later,she heard chatter as students begin to fill the bus. After few minutes,the bus began to move. She puts down her book as she looked around the bus. Boys! Wait,the football team.
"Hey! Anita! Is that you?" Peter smirked.
"Wait,you guys don't normally take the bus and why am I here with....wait! Why are there only boys here? The football team, I mean?" She asked as her eyes almost popped out of her sockets.
"Calm down,the bus has already taken studets home. Now it's taking us to a football game." Daniel explained.
"Wait!...Oh! Maybe I spent too much time inbthe library." She sighed.
"Bookworm!" Someone said.
She knew that voice,even if she was in a different region or country,she would still recognize it. It was Olumide Parker,her most hated person.The captain and star player of the football team, the boy that looks so good that even junior students crushed on him.She wondered why because he was just a jerk to her.Yeah! He was handsome but no brain,what was the use then?
"Ehmm....Mr Olumide, I wasn't talking to you,so please mind your business." She hissed.
"Ehmm...Miss Anita,am I lying? Only God knows if you even planned to be here and then pretending like it's a coincidence." Olumide said.
She hissed,it wasn't useful talking to an empty brain like him.

Author's Note

Please be honest with the reviews 😸....I'll continue the story after seeing the reviews😊

Reviews

[barleygirl]

When I start a story about a young girl on a bus with the entire football team, my mind goes straight into the gutter. It's hard to read this in an "innocent" frame of mind. Your story premise feels fraught with the promise of an orgy coming up. But still, it's an intriguing idea for a story & you are somewhat convincing about how she ended up on a bus with the football team.

My major problem with your storytelling is that you are in a big fat hurry. You speed thru the setup on this situation like you can't wait to be somewhere else. This chapter doesn't feel like it's getting any love from you. A writer who loves writing, as you say you do, enjoys crafting rich details to stretch out anticipation, making each interesting moment last. A writer gives his/her story all the love of rich imagery for all the senses.

I have no idea what your main character even looks like. Don't know if she's capable of speaking. Don't know if she's into guys or maybe she seems like she might not be. Does she flip her hair in a flirtacious way? What is she wearing? Do her clothes say she wants to bang this whole crowd of guys?

I need to be able to SEE & FEEL & HEAR your main character . . . that's called CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT . . . right now I can't tell if this is a story about a gang-bang coming up, or is this a story of innocence.

I don't believe this young woman is one bit innocent. But I do enjoy her sass. You use dialogue well to let the reader feel the tension between the woman & the fb captain. In general, you have a bare bones frame in place that could be very compelling . . . now you need to flesh it out.

Your story shows her being alone in a bus one minute . . . then a mere minute later the bus is full, then it has already dropped off some students & now it's heading to a fb game. This all happens without you showing us ANYTHING AT ALL about what's going on!!!

Way too fast . . . what's your hurry? You could spend 10 pages showing us all that happens as a bus fills up with students. It's not believable that a girl could be sitting with a book & not noticing the bus filling up. What about interactions on the bus? Students always put on a big show as they enter a bus & play off the other students on the bus, touching, teasing mouthing off. Show us all this.

You have skipped over the meat of everything. What's your hurry? Writing takes time. Take your time. Fondly, Margie

[Amaka💜]

First, I wanna thank u so much for taking out your time to review my work. I'm so so happy that u took ur time to do this,I feel so loved.

I honestly see all my flaws now and I will take what u said into consideration when writing the next chepters.I will, like u said,put all my love into my writing and try to take my time. I won't give a flimsy excuse for my mistakes ....thanks so much again Margie🙂