Ch 1

It starts with a kidnapping. It ends with a murder. (semi-revised)

“Help me!” The girl’s shrill voice echoed through the trees as her attacker clenched his fist in her long hair and dragged her deeper into the dark, terrifying woods. The more she struggled and screamed, the tighter his hold on her hair became. She thrashed and kicked; her futile attempts to loosen that iron grip, in vain. She only managed to send her pumps flying into the thick trees and slash open her black slacks and the pale, white skin underneath.

            Finally, they came to a clearing where the man threw her on the ground and kicked her in the stomach. The damsel in distress moaned in pain and attempted to curl up in a ball to protect her body from any further damage inflicted by her attacker.                    

             “I thought,” he paused to deliver another swift kick to the ribs, causing her to cry out in pain. Blood dripped from her lips down her chin. “I told you to be quiet, Amy.”

            Amy rolled onto her back to get a decent look at her assailant, but the only visible areas of his face not concealed by the black ski mask were those familiar light brown eyes and rosy lips.

             “I-I’m sorry,” her bright green eyes were wet with tears and she began to sob. “P-please just let me go.”

The man chuckled. “Amy,” he began to take off his mask. “Don’t you know why this is happening?”

Her eyes widened when he removed the mask and threw it aside.

             “Shawn?”

He smiled, white teeth gleaming in the darkness.

             “The one and only.”

Shawn ran his long, thin fingers through his shoulder length, black hair.

              “Who else did you expect?”

Amy sat up and glared at him, but remained silent. He laughed again.

             “I can’t remember the last time you were this quiet.”

He slowly pulled a knife out of his jacket and began to walk around her. She followed him with her eyes.

             “Shawn,” she whispered, “you’re going to regret doing this to me.”

He seemed to find this amusing because he laughed, yet again, before kneeling down to her level. Shawn slowly dragged the blunt end of the knife across her cheek and asked, “And why is that?”

             “Well, have you really thought about what I could do to you?”

Shawn flipped the knife over and softly ran the sharp edge from the corner of her eye to her chin.

              “What could you possibly do to me?”  He laughed softly. “You’re too weak, Amy, and you know it’s true.”           

This time, it was Amy’s turn to laugh. The smile slid off Shawn's face.

             “Shawn,” she hissed. Her smile began to spread. “You don’t know me as well as you think.”

Her green eyes began to glow red and her lips began to stretch even wider as her teeth grew long and pointed. Shawn’s eyes opened wide as his mouth moved but no sound came out. Amy smiled nastily and stood up swiftly, pushing him onto his back in the process. He tried to back away but Amy pinned him to the ground, planting her foot on his chest.

             “So, are you beginning to regret this decision?”

Shawn just stared at her, eyes wide with fear and shock. She reveled in his fear, fed off it. She enjoyed the sweet stench of his panicked sweat filling her nostrils.

 “Maybe I would’ve let you go if you hadn’t she sneered and raised her leg high, bringing her foot down hard on his stomach, “kicked me.” She smiled. “Now, you’re dead.”

Amy raised her foot off his chest and stomped on Shawn’s nose. What was once a long, straight, and seemingly perfect nose was now twisted and bloody. She bent down, grabbed a handful of his hair, and dragged him deeper into the forest where she knew they would not be heard. She threw him against a tree with unbelievable strength, almost knocking him unconscious, and knelt down to his level so that they were seeing eye-to-eye. The she-demon smiled nastily and cocked her head to the right.

             “Aren’t you going to beg,” Amy chuckled and crouched down, “Or are you too good for it?”

Her nails were growing slowly and steadily as she spoke. She brought them to his face and dragged them slowly down his cheek, mimicking his actions with the knife. Shawn lost it as she planted a firm, bloody kiss on his lips, snaking her long tongue into his mouth. Enraged and disgusted, he pushed her off him, but not without consequence; she slashed his cheek open on the way down.

She giggled.  “You used to love my kisses, babe.” Her expression was of mock sadness. “What happened to us?”

            As she stood, Shawn spat at her, clearly in disgust. The glob of bloody saliva landed on her cheek. She stared at him, seething; her eyes burnt a hole through his pathetic mortal soul.

             “You should really think about your actions, Shawn,” she snarled, lunging at him with her arms outstretched, aiming for his pale neck. He tried to scoot out of the path of danger, immediately regretting his latest decision, but it was too late; her ever-growing nails had already penetrated his skin. Shawn cried out as she pushed them in deeper.

            “Stop,” he begged, blood pouring from between his lips.  “Please.”

            Amy pursed her lips in artificial sadness. “Oh, Shawn,” she smiled, pushing her nails in further. He let out a blood-curdling cry. “It’s too late to beg.”

            Her nails were completely buried in his neck and Shawn was having difficulty breathing. Her hair was beginning to fall into her face, but Shawn still saw those hauntingly green eyes piercing through the veil of auburn hair.

             “Starting to think this plan backfired?” Shawn tried to answer, but all that came out was a river of blood. He was fading fast.

             “Awww.” Amy pulled her nails out of his neck, catching the blood cascading from the wound into her small hands. The life in Shawn’s once bright eyes began to fade. She giggled as she drank from the pool of blood collected in her palms.  “I thought you’d at least last longer in this situation,” she shrugged, “You always did finish quickly.”

            Shawn’s eyes were now void of all life, his body almost drained of all its blood.  She picked up his knife and put in her pocket. She stood and stretched, sighing as her body relaxed and her features began to look more human. Her skin and hair had an unearthly, beautiful glow since she had consumed Shawn’s life force and it pulsing through her newly energized body. She smiled to herself and began her search for the nearest river.

When she found one, she stripped immediately and dove into the cold, rushing water. Her clothes, soaked with blood, had to be beaten out on a rock and her hair had to be rinsed and combed through to get rid of all the twigs and leaves knotted in it.           

            “Every time I run into him, it’s something new,” she muttered to herself. “At least it’ll end now.” Amy chuckled.

She climbed out of the river, dressed slowly, and began her trek home.

 

 

Author's Note

Please criticize constructively. I don't like trolls, but they'll probably show up anyway

Reviews

[Butterfly_Kid]

Well, I am pleased to have come across some supernatural horror writing on here. I always love a good graphic tale, and this one in particular was very good. Since it looks like you are looking for some details, I'll share a few good points with you and a few not so good points. I can say I did enjoy this story, so any criticism is entirely constructive. So, let me begin:

GOOD-- I liked how intense the opening was. It really pulled you into the action. Very intense. It's what you'd call a cold start. This can be affective for giving the reader a little taste of the action before the exposition really starts, but some further background will be needed going forward.

-- The use of color and imagery was good. I was able to easily imagine the struggle between the demon woman and her victim. The way the tables turned before the end was a nice bit of misdirection.

-- The one-liner "You always did finish early" was a nice bit of wisecracking badassery to make the reader really root for Amy, regardless of her moral orientation.


NOT SO GOOD-- As I stated above, your use of color is spot on, but you missed some opportunities to use some more, shall I say, colorful wording. A lot of your descriptions, though to the point, lack character. I want you to tell me whats going on from the voice of a narrator who has been following this demon woman for a long time. Someone who knows her well, and knows where she comes from. There is always a chance to describe (for example) the color of blood as being say, scarlet, or crimson, etc. without always saying red, red, red. (Please note that this is just a hypothetical example and not a direct criticism.) You need to make sure you avoid redundancies to keep the reader from getting bored. Especially if this scene is something you'd like to expand upon, into a full-scale adventure.

-- The dialogue gives away too much for a cold start. It feels like you are trying to squeeze more story into what is essentially a preliminary set up. What her name is, is irrelevant at the moment. This is just supposed to be a flash of action. But, if you do choose to give the characters name away in this manner, may I suggest you choose a name that's slightly less pedestrian. Amy is just so-so. It's a lovely name on an ordinary girl, but not a demon. Even if it's just a pseudonym, an ancient vampire demoness is likely going to pick something a little bit more exciting, or even suggestive. From what I know of these types of characters in popular fiction, they tend to be rather sexual, and that should be reflected in the name. I won't give suggestions, because I'll end up sounding corny, but I hope you take this all with good cheer.

As I said, this is onto something very cool. It's just a little rough around the edges.

I enjoyed your story, as well as reviewing it. Hope you can return the favor with some of my stuff. Check it out on my profile. If there are any other stories by you that you'd like reviewed, let me know. The community is here to help.

[AmongSavages]

I would have to say that this has to be the most constructive of all the criticisms I have received. Thanks for that. I have been considering several name changes and your comment made me want to look into even further. I do always feel like I don't use enough detail and too much dialogue, so that's something I have to work on. I'll revise the three chapters I have up before I post the fourth. Thanks for your input and amazing review. I'll check out your work as soon as I get a chance to. Thanks again! :)

[AmongSavages]

Oh, since you mentioned it, could you review the other two chapters and possibly the prologue of Forbidden Love, please? I'd appreciate it if you could. Thanks :)

[Butterfly_Kid]

Sure. I'll have a look at them. I really like level of enthusiasm that your writing has, and that's what encouraged me to write the review in the first place. I don't think you over-rely on dialogue, though. I like the dialogue. It's one of your strongest points, so don't worry about that, just look for places to expand each and every scene. There are times when the richness of a scene doesn't really matter, but there are times when you describe the lair (or in Amy's case LA apartment) of the character, that you can use the opportunity to insert subtle little details about the character. Lots of chance for symbolism and/or referential content to be used. That's what really livens up a story. Anyway, I'll have look at the others. The reviews will be forthcoming, but give me a little time.

[nesuispas]

This was really, really AMAZING! I absolutely love it!!! One thing the kind of bothered me was that some of the sentences were run on. Other than that I think you are really good! This was so professionally written, I was shocked!

[AmongSavages]

I know it's probably a lot to ask, but can you point out some of them please?
Thanks ^^

[AmongSavages]

Oh, thank you for the awesome review ^^

[nesuispas]

Here's one:
The life in Shawn’s once bright eyes began to fade, and she giggled as she drank from the pool of blood in her hands.
If you take out the and and make them two different sentences it would be better. But, you don't have to change it. You should do what you think is right and don't let anyone change that.

[AmongSavages]

No, I see what you're saying. Thanks :)