Before Sunset- Before Sunrise

 

It was before sunset.

We took the coffee,

and sat at the cafe.

The grass was super green,

The sky was purely blue,

The mild breeze, 

It was around 6.00 p.m.

His eyes were purely blue,

We looked at each other,

and a red color just spread in me.

We kissed, and many colors and colors spread in me.

His eyes were blue like the color I was looking at for hours,

while flying over Atlantic ocean,

to come here from there,

to see them,

to see him .

We walked through the park,

We stand by the river,

"it was before sunset"

23 August 2013.

The sun was coming down,

The singing birds were white,

The river was blue,

His camera frame was black,

The sky was orange and red and purple and blue.

I took his hand,

My heart red.

Still before sunset,

We were to say bye to the sun,

The sun was going down behind the buildings,

The buildings were on fire .

The clouds were colorful

He took my hand

My heart was colorful .

We walked to downtown

Now it was after sunset

Looking at the boats , all had personalities we thought

Such a nice walk

hand in hand

and my heart was colorful

Time to say bye , my friend was waiting

" Really nice to meet you " , I said

Hate these cliches , hope to see you soon, hugs and kisses

Went to say bye to some other friends

Back home and packing : 1 a.m.

Wanna see him once more : He is probably asleep, it is late , I am going

Taking a cab to the airport : 3 a.m

Bye to best friends, Fantastic trip : it was !

The weather was super foggy

The only color I saw was grey .

My eyes were tired, I closed them :

a beautiful summer night he was on purple

We danced , kissed and talked , in and out of pub , by the river , under the full moon

Summer in Dublin : it was !

The taxi was driving to the airport

The weather was too foggy

A clique and more, a look and more, a smile and more

The rest of my trip my heart was super colorful

It is now before sunrise

He is in town

I am in the airport

The sky is grey

The flight is close

My heart is red-white-grey ...

Reviews

[James Hanna-Magill]

Dear Atoosa

My review.

From Canada to Ireland (Dublin); from where you live to the place of my birth.

There is much to be said for Canadians (those I have met) in much the same way as I hope there is to be said about the Irish.

And so to your poem.

As I say I never know in advance how my reviews will go - structured / unstructured; analytical or just expressing my overall feelings - my simpler offering as a reader / reviewer to the writer. I don't know how this one will be.

It will be what it is in the end (and as a piece of self-derision) when it ends if any of my reviews ever do!

I think I may just limit myself to two things here - 'impact / style and how that matches content.

Impact / style: Immediate impression? You assail me with colour, most of the rainbow and its mixes: 'super green' 'purely blue' 'red colour' 'white' black' purple' 'orange' and in the end and most meaningful of all 'red, white grey'.

I often like to see reference to all 5 of the senses where possible as it always lends more depth to a piece.

Clearly you do sight here to full effect. But you add taste 'We took the coffee' though you could tell us perhaps a little more about how it tasted. You add the sensation of touch 'The mild breeze' 'We kissed' 'I took his hand'. You add sound 'The singing birds' though you tell us a little more about how they sounded.

You therefore do well. But it never ceases to amaze me, and I am as susceptible to this as any writer, you miss the last sense of 'smell'. Perhaps you might not only tell us how the coffee tasted but about its aroma by way of a tiny example. Perhaps you might tell us how the grass smelt, the town or the airport.

Just tiny suggestions in what is already shaping into another excellent piece of your writing.

Stylistically you keep all your sentences brief. That I think aids the whole tone of the poem which is the relentless assault of one sensation, follow immediately by another, one experience of this meeting by another.

Meaning: Clearly it would seem to me to be a transatlantic love affair. A brief encounter; or something more enduring?

This is a touching piece. Redolent of all Romance, the joy, the perfection, the shared pleasures even the most subtle: 'Looking at the boats, all had personalities we thought'

I do rather like the subtlety of that line. It takes little to please us when pleasures are shared. On another day, they would just have been 'boats' And all recorded with 'His camera frame was black'

But as ever, things start and must end. Trips are such. Pleasure may only at times be short lived.

And then to the sadness of parting and all the clichéd words you admirably honour by your references:

'" Really nice to meet you " , I said
Hate these clichés , hope to see you soon, hugs and kisses'

But in a way you confuse me. A lover and really nice to meet you? Surely more than that. But then I ask myself, who are these other friends?

Then the sorrow of parting where your colour descends into murky grey a transition from colourful to the colourless:

'He is in town
I am in the airport
The sky is grey
The flight is close
My heart is red-white-grey ...'

Excellently expressed and the sentiment perfectly portrayed.

I admire the way you use the recurring theme between 'sunset' and 'sunrise'

The beauty of one, the ending of a day and a stay of a perfect moment; and sunrise the onset of the other, the beginning of another day.

Perhaps the sadness of an ending balanced by what may appear to be a new beginning but in itself even more an ending than sunset - leaving to live another day away.

It is an incongruous metaphor.

It could be used in reverse as I suggest here and have done in my writing. Sunrise is the beginning of the sweetness of meeting and sunset, the ending on departure.

Should one be able to take your analogy and as I have here thought about it in this way, tried to tip it and turn it round you have at least made me ponder harder on this delightful poem and made me focus on its various meanings and their impact on me as just one of your readers.

I see little to fault in this poem other my endless drag about trying to mix more of the senses and question the nature of the clichéd goodbye. But I do not always achieve all the senses, in fact far from it, in my writing. And maybe there is no need for you to stretch it further here more than you have already done.

If there is anything else I might say in adverse critique, though there might be bits and pieces, I refuse to mention them here as they would only undermine unnecessarily a well written piece of writing a bit like complaining about the Venus de Milo for having no arms!

I do like your poem.

And I hope by way of my review, I have helped you in one fashion or another.

My sole objective in anything I review.

And I like to review long to give insight to the writer about the impact their writing has on one sole reader (me) by way of feedback.

I often feel 'Well if he / she has gone to all the time, trouble and creative thought to write this, then I ought to return the compliment paid by considered comment.

Well done.

With my warmest regards as ever


James Hanna-Magill

[Atoosa]

Thanks Thanks Thanks...

[Azriel]

excellent poem, loved the tone and mood of this a lot, also the images used in this are really vivid and full of life. this piece also created a sense of anticipation while i was reading, as to what's coming next or how will it end. overall a great piece.

[Atoosa]

Thanks for your feedback :)

[Spyda]

I enjoyed the poem, only thing I would recommend is using stronger words to describe things. Say that something is "super" blue or "way too" foggy just feels week. Use colourful language!

[Atoosa]

Thanks for your review :)

[jacob erin-cilberto]

i liked how this ended...parts i wondered about cause in general i could see you condensing this a bit...

making it tighter...but it sure gets strong towards the end.

[Atoosa]

Thanks so much Jacob, What do you mean by condensing a bit in this poem?

[jacob erin-cilberto]

shortening it a bit...making it tighter...so the impact is stronger.

[Coyote Poetry]

A very nice story in the poem. I like the places and description. Good to have time with people we love and need. Summer, old city and good company. No better type of poetry. Thank you for sharing the excellent poem.
Coyote

[Atoosa]

Dear Coyote, Thanks so much :)