My Little Dancer

My Little Dancer

A Poem by Balance

She bathed in moonlight,
Glowing stars in her Hair.
Leaping and hoping,
Spreading her wings in engregious glare.

I had to seize her,
Own her, make her mine.
Unknown Impulse of control,
Like a child that digs a pool near the sea
 
She sits by the window,
Holding the bars.
Doubt if she know what sadness is.
I open the lock,
And play a happy song.
 
She doesn't say a word, 
As she dances in my hand,
So fregile, could smash her like a bug.
Compassion Make me feel domination
I love her, I hate her, should i let her free?

My little dancer, i mean you no harm,
I live in a cage like you.
You fly around showing off your beauty
My jealousy eats me as i cut off your wings

 
Stay close to me, dance for me 
For another Moonless, foggy night

© 2013 Balance


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Featured Review

A dark poem, but a pleasant read nonetheless. My favourite line is "For another Moonless, foggy night." Withthat one line, it bings out the depth of the struggle within. Well done! I've got my suggestions in brackets below. I hope you don't mind. :)


She bathed in moonlight,
Glowing stars in her air (I think you meant hair).
Leaping and hoping,
Spreading her wings (it ends abruptly, perhaps find a word to rhyme with hair, such as "air"?).

I had to seize her,
Own her, make her mine.
Unknown impulse of control,
Like a child that digs a pool near the sea.

She sits by the window,
Holding the bars.
Doubt if she know what sadness is.
I open the lock,
(And?) Play a happy song.

She dont (doesn't) say a word,
As she dance (dances) in my hand,
So fregile (fragile), I cloud (could) squash her like a bug (I was wondering if you could come up with a better metaphor, but it's your choice.).
Compassion mixing emotions (Compassion is an emotion I think. How about "Emotions astir" to replace the line?)
I love her, I hate her, Should I let her free?

My little dancer, I mean you no harm,
I live in a cage like you are (No need the 'are').
You flew (Fly, because your paragrpah starts off in the present tense, but flew is in the past tense.) around in discourtesy. (What do you mean by discourtesy?)
My jelousy (Jealousy) eats my (Me), as I cut off your wings.
So you won't fly. (You don't really need this line, it sounds better ending with the line above.)

Stay close to me, dance for me
For another moonless, foggy night.

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

Quite a poet, I must say. Beautifully written.

Posted 9 Years Ago


Dark, but beautiful. It made me think of a butterfly or bird. I noticed a few small grammatical errors you might want to correct, but other than that, nice work.

Posted 9 Years Ago


A dark piece of poetry, the fact that you cut off the wings of something you love so much out of jealousy is beautiful. I enjoyed this.

Posted 9 Years Ago


I tried to read this but the link on it says I have to be your friend. How do I add you? It won't let me... Hmm.

Posted 9 Years Ago


As I read this it did everything a good piece of writing should- it made me feel for you- took my breath away while scaring me beyond reason. You are amazing. Be proud. (:

Posted 9 Years Ago


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Pax
enjoyed this one. its very good. keep it up

Posted 9 Years Ago


Thank you so much for your time! i find your suggestions very illuminating! i shell start to work on it right away!

Posted 9 Years Ago


A dark poem, but a pleasant read nonetheless. My favourite line is "For another Moonless, foggy night." Withthat one line, it bings out the depth of the struggle within. Well done! I've got my suggestions in brackets below. I hope you don't mind. :)


She bathed in moonlight,
Glowing stars in her air (I think you meant hair).
Leaping and hoping,
Spreading her wings (it ends abruptly, perhaps find a word to rhyme with hair, such as "air"?).

I had to seize her,
Own her, make her mine.
Unknown impulse of control,
Like a child that digs a pool near the sea.

She sits by the window,
Holding the bars.
Doubt if she know what sadness is.
I open the lock,
(And?) Play a happy song.

She dont (doesn't) say a word,
As she dance (dances) in my hand,
So fregile (fragile), I cloud (could) squash her like a bug (I was wondering if you could come up with a better metaphor, but it's your choice.).
Compassion mixing emotions (Compassion is an emotion I think. How about "Emotions astir" to replace the line?)
I love her, I hate her, Should I let her free?

My little dancer, I mean you no harm,
I live in a cage like you are (No need the 'are').
You flew (Fly, because your paragrpah starts off in the present tense, but flew is in the past tense.) around in discourtesy. (What do you mean by discourtesy?)
My jelousy (Jealousy) eats my (Me), as I cut off your wings.
So you won't fly. (You don't really need this line, it sounds better ending with the line above.)

Stay close to me, dance for me
For another moonless, foggy night.

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Wow. This is really a great poem(: Full of deep emotions and an inner struggle. I truly enjoyed reading it.

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

delightful for someone to openly admit the need to own as well as see the cages as well as clipped wings - yet still seek to dance with closeness.

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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Added on June 21, 2012
Last Updated on February 1, 2013
Tags: fairy, love, hate, moon, little, wing, happy, song, lock, sea, control, dance, fly, night

Author

Balance
Balance

Kibbutz Nir Oz, Israel



About
My name is Yoel Salimsom. I'm 23 years old, i live in a little town in Israel. I'm ex- military, served in a Combat Engineer. i play guitar for 8 years and im a singer in a band. for more informatio, .. more..

Writing
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