my first Senryu

blood spills silently
crimson roses neatly lain
a shot in his head

Author's Note

*covers eyes* is it too bad XD

Reviews

[Patrick Henry]

The comment below... lol Haiku doesn't "deal" with nature. It writes our bond to what are relationships are IN nature, how it responds to itself, and how nature responds to US. So is the "nature" of life and death. Don't need a Haiku to write the rules on form when about 60%+ on this very site don't even follow the traditional form of 5-7-5, anyway. ; ) This is a beautiful "Haikuuuu". lol In some of your older poems, I get to see more of a "character build" within the theme and mood of your pieces. I felt like you were searching for words that are still present in your mind. The first line, I see a more descriptive phrase to use than the word: silently. The 2nd line, if you were to twist the words to write itself in an almost cryptic way, your exit in the 3rd line would have more of that punch I see in some of your other poems. I never want to rewrite your poems because you're gorgeous.... Just an example:

blood spills silently
bloods spills in whispers

crimson roses neatly lain
rose of carmine kiss the earth

a shot in his head
his mind empties true


The words you chose for this poem are very blunt and leave room for awkward criticism, like the "Haiku" people. : ) This is no attempt to rewrite your poetry. I never give examples because every piece of your poetry is truly Loved and adored by me in the best of ways!!! My heart to yours, Aurora!!! AAFILY.... xoxoxo -Your Mark ...always

[Salar Majak]

thanks Mark!!!! soooo very much!
i adore the way you rewrote my poem! it feels much like what i wanted to say in the first place XD you read through me lol, but i'd be a thief if i rewrote it your way, because i'd be steeling your words, though i'm in love with them, i'd never want to steel them from someone so generous, i hope that the people who read this poem would read your comment to actually see through what this poem intended to say
thank you Mark!!! so very much!!!
always
xoxoxoxox-Aurora

[DIVYA]

Great start!

[Salar Majak]

thank you!

[Ohhhwillow]

12 words, one very striking image. :) This is not bad at all, it is short and seducing, I like it. :)

[Salar Majak]

thank you!!!

[Junert]

Crimson roses, makes it darkly sweet.

[Salar Majak]

thanks a lot!!

[Zahra]

This is very good. Well done.

[Salar Majak]

thanks

[Richard Man]

Deeply powerful verse.... haiku, senryu, coypu, emu .... does it matter? The important thing is the intensity of the thought.... the idea. You have written something sadly topical ... to you and all of us.
Grammar lesson .... I have lain among the crimson roses all day .... where?
Where the crimson were neatly laid. The roses did not choose to be laid down but I chose to lie down among them. Do you get my meaning?

[Salar Majak]

yes!!!!!! yes i do!!!
OMG!!!!!! This is absolutely right!!!!!
i get what you mean!
thanks a lot :)

[MOON]

Lovely write.

[Salar Majak]

thank you!

[Jack...]

Very nicely done for you first one. Though I'm not sure if who you are writing this about will like it as much as I do. :)>

[Salar Majak]

XD hehehehe neither do i :P

[Baby Ricochet]

Good Senryu.

[Salar Majak]

thanks!

[Craig2591]

At first I wasn't sure what to make of this. Then I read the comment from quinnfinn and found out what a senryu is.

Very nice!

[Salar Majak]

hehe i had no clue either :P
thanks alot

[Lina Grey]

uhm, should haid be head, just wondering?

[Salar Majak]

hehe yeah, i was in a hurry :P
thanks