my first Senryu

blood spills silently
crimson roses neatly lain
a shot in his head

Author's Note

*covers eyes* is it too bad XD

Reviews

[Patrick Henry]

The comment below... lol Haiku doesn't "deal" with nature. It writes our bond to what are relationships are IN nature, how it responds to itself, and how nature responds to US. So is the "nature" of life and death. Don't need a Haiku to write the rules on form when about 60%+ on this very site don't even follow the traditional form of 5-7-5, anyway. ; ) This is a beautiful "Haikuuuu". lol In some of your older poems, I get to see more of a "character build" within the theme and mood of your pieces. I felt like you were searching for words that are still present in your mind. The first line, I see a more descriptive phrase to use than the word: silently. The 2nd line, if you were to twist the words to write itself in an almost cryptic way, your exit in the 3rd line would have more of that punch I see in some of your other poems. I never want to rewrite your poems because you're gorgeous.... Just an example:

blood spills silently
bloods spills in whispers

crimson roses neatly lain
rose of carmine kiss the earth

a shot in his head
his mind empties true


The words you chose for this poem are very blunt and leave room for awkward criticism, like the "Haiku" people. : ) This is no attempt to rewrite your poetry. I never give examples because every piece of your poetry is truly Loved and adored by me in the best of ways!!! My heart to yours, Aurora!!! AAFILY.... xoxoxo -Your Mark ...always

[Salar Majak]

thanks Mark!!!! soooo very much!
i adore the way you rewrote my poem! it feels much like what i wanted to say in the first place XD you read through me lol, but i'd be a thief if i rewrote it your way, because i'd be steeling your words, though i'm in love with them, i'd never want to steel them from someone so generous, i hope that the people who read this poem would read your comment to actually see through what this poem intended to say
thank you Mark!!! so very much!!!
always
xoxoxoxox-Aurora

[Michael Kevin Spencer]

I like your alternate spelling? Pretty nifty!

[Salar Majak]

that wasn't on purpose :P,
thanks

[Annabelle Lee]

No it's wonderful, well done

[Salar Majak]

thank you!

[Chidoriflower]

It's pretty good. How violence mixes with beauty, it is strange. I enjoyed this. :D

[Salar Majak]

thanks!!!
i'm glad you like it!

[quinfinn]

it is very good but, as jacob has pointed out in the past(and rightly so) haiku deals with nature . what you have written here is called a senryu, with that being said, let me further enlighten you on haiku and senryu/the format is always 5/7/5, meaning that the first line should have 5 syllables...the second should have 7...and the third one should have 5...no exceptions. don't be embarrassed by this..i only learned this recently myself and i am proud and happy to share it with you...so, if you made the second line read "crimson roses neatly lain" it is a perfect senryu! well done, young poet! and good luck!!!!

[Salar Majak]

thank you soooo very much!!!!
and no i[m not ebarrassed much XD, thanks a lot for inlighting me, i guess i'm gonna go change the title and the second line!!!!
i'm soo hyper right now XD
thanks a lot quin!

[quinfinn]

you're welcome, my sweet friend. now, go and write dozens and have fun!!!!!

[Salar Majak]

:D OH BELIEVE ME I WILl!!!!

[quinfinn]

;D

[Mr Dunne Poetry]

I'm not really a Haiku fan tbh, but this is good :)

[Salar Majak]

thank you :D, this is my first so i didn't really know how to write it, XD i guess i needed some more lessons though :P

[Mr Dunne Poetry]

You're welcome :) I haven't a clue, sorry I can't help you there. In my opinion, you're doing great already :)

[Christopher Booyakasha]

Is it bad? That was really good! From beginning to end! NIce Job!

[Salar Majak]

THANKS!!!! i just read a lesson about Haiku and decided to give it a try!,
thanks alot!!!

[Christopher Booyakasha]

You are so welcome. You actually inspired me. I think I'm gonna do one.

[Salar Majak]

AWWWW!!!!!you just made my day!!!!
please do send me a read request when you finish it!!!

[Christopher Booyakasha]

Hahaha. Oh stop it. You did a good. So I wanted to try that's all.
Sure I will. ! :-)