Drowning (senryu)

Gasping for air
fearing it might disappear
i sink beneath

water filled lungs
going down all the way
no bottom reached

for eternity, gone
forgotten by loved ones
i linger here

Gasping for air
nothing's left but pain
drowning in grief

i sink beneath
soul stuck in the middle
i sink beneath

Author's Note

believe it or not, this was fun to write XD
i really did feel the water in my mouth while writing this XD
not doimg anything stupid though

Reviews

[quinfinn]

knock, knock
who's there?
dwayne
dwayne who?
dwayne the bathtub, i'm dwowning!
this is very clever and fun, dear Sal!!!!

[Salar Majak]

LOL
never thought of it like that but i LOVE this!!!
thank you Quin, it means a lot!

[quinfinn]

always here for you, Sal

[Nix]

GREAT! It really gives a realistic picture of drowning, but also rings true with other emotions. One of those poems that the reader usually decides what it means. Well written!

[Salar Majak]

thank you!!!

[Frieda P]

Wow, I'm gasping for breath here, what a terrible way to go, nice one! ;-)

[Salar Majak]

hehehehe thank you!!

[Mr Dunne Poetry]

My mother tried to drown me when I was just two years old. Thankfully, she failed lol I used to write poetry about drowning, when I was younger. I can honestly say, I love the imagery and wordplay used here. Thanks for sharing Sal :)

[Salar Majak]

oh my God i'm sorry to here that your mom tried to drown you, glad she didn't,
thanks a lot and i'd love to hear your drowning poems :)

[Mr Dunne Poetry]

It's ok. It took me a long time to get over it, but many years and many pieces of poetry later, I can finally say that I did :) Yw, I'll try & find a few for you :)

[Salar Majak]

:3

[Azriel]

great piece, so much great images used here as well as powerful language. you captured quite well the feeling of drowning and the feelings associated with it.

[Salar Majak]

thank you!

[Brandon S. Whitten]

Excellent read and write capturing such a moment of despair.

[Salar Majak]

thank you!

[Brave girl]

beautiful write...though i have a poem with the same title,would you please give me your honest opinion about it??

[Salar Majak]

of cores!!!

[Brave girl]

:)

[MOON]

Vivid imagery well depicted, lovely write.

[Salar Majak]

thank you!

[InsanityWriter]

This is great. :) Excellent write!! :D

[Salar Majak]

thanks!

[InsanityWriter]

No problem. ^_^ By the way though, it's 'Drowning'. ;) I make spelling errors a lot too. No worries. (;

[Salar Majak]

XD thanks!

[Wolfwind]

The poem really captures the moment well. The sensations and feelings embrace the mind of the reader, pulling them into that state of limbo, not dead, yet not alive either. Very nicely crafted.

One question though.... Did you title the piece "Drawning" on purpose, or was that a typo for "Drowning"?

Hope all is well for ya! =)
Aaron

[Salar Majak]

God! thanks for telling you about that type Aaron!!! i always look forward to your reviews :)
all is well for me, what about you?

[Wolfwind]

Things are well with me. Taking life one day at a time as I transition into the next chapter of my life. Out with one career and hopefully into another something new that will be fruitful.

[Salar Majak]

i hope it all work out!!
and may God, luck and the odds be on your side :)