Midnight

She tried to organize her thoughts.
Muggy and uncontrollable.
Her wrists itched and her head rolled.
Even with all of her will power.

The moon filtered through a broken window.
Her mouth sewn shut with a white sheet.
With her muggy thoughts she tried to see.
That figure in front of her.

A bad man a tall man.
He held a knife.
Next thing she remembered.
Her side was burning up.

He left the room with her side bleeding out.
Blood red splattering the stained concrete underneath.
The muggy girl slipped out of her binding.
Crawling out that broken window.

The dark street urged her to go back.
Trying to swallow up her mind as she started to regain her senses.
A passerby spotting her in her lack of garb.
She collapsed near her feet.

Opening her eyes with her mind no longer muggy.
Only the doctor stood tall next to her bedside.
To announce that she would live and that she was safe.
And then she cried.

Author's Note

I TRIED to write a scary poem for halloween xD I feel like I failed miserably. Could someone give me pointers on how to write a narrative poem maybe?

Also let me know if you get the hint at the end.

Reviews

[Einstein Noodle]

the first two lines really grab me .. i feel her mind racing with fears and anxieties ...i think the scene has all the potential for being scary ... but i think there are places that might create more terror ... maybe not repeating "muggy" i love it in the first verse but it looses power after that for me ... ...and instead of saying "a bad man..." you might try to describe what makes him "bad" .. like his face pock marked ,bursting eyes hidden in shadows .. stuff like that ...maybe draw out how the stabbing occurred .. words like searing,piercing, burning he savoring drooling laughing maniacal ... i hope this is helpful ..we all see things differently ..i think the story line is strong and it does paint the scene well ..i am not sure about the hint at the end ... love the mouth sown shut .. and the itchy wrists ..the broken window in contrast to the white sheet leaps into my imagination ... lots of good stuff says i!
E.

[barleygirl]

You've done a great job of spinning a spooky tale for Halloween! I was most impressed by the way you weave in bizarre descriptions that aren't taken from the big book of cliché spooky s**t. For example, her wrists itching and her mouth sewn shut with a sheet and the repetition of "muggy" . . . these are very bright examples of your originality here. I prefer when the bloody gore is kept to a minimum, just enuf to get the point across, but not going on & on about the gory scene . . . you've captured this balance perfectly for my taste. This narrative is not immediately obvious . . . the reader must dig a little & piece a few things together . . . but all in all, the story is clearly told & nicely compelling all along. I did not get your hint at the end . . . "And then she cried" . . . I don't know why!?!?!!?

[Centipedle]

She intentionally had herself kidnapped, she didn't want to have anyone save her.

[Coyote Poetry]

A amazing story told. I liked the flow of thoughts leading to good ending. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Paul Bell]

I would lose bad man tall man. He held a knife
Glinting in the moonlight
Next thing she remembered
Her side was burning up.
Otherwise i think it's brill.

[Addict With a Pen]

Awesome! I really like everything about the poem. And I didn't catch it at first, but after you mentioned the end, I looked back and found the hint. Creepy!! I like how the last stanza rhymes also. Great write!