Old Wounds

            A flicker of silver, and a rush of crimson.  Was it for the better?  If I didn't 'die' that night, would I still have been so miserable?  Would I have ever met her?  Why do I even bother with memories and questions?  It'll never change anything...

 

            I looked, again, into the mirror, doing what I did for the past two days, again.  Would my eyes still be hateful?  Would I still be empty?  I don't feel so empty anymore...but when would it show?  Running from myself, embodying the same mass of despair I'm afraid of...

 

            I leave the room, and into Alexia.  She was paying as much attention as I was, and we bumped into each other.  Besides the sudden startled, and her laughing it off softly, nothing much happened.  She had not yet changed from her night clothes apparently.  She was still in a skimpy, thin gown, and still half asleep.  She was by no means comfortable letting me see her like this, and she walked quickly into the bathroom, seemingly embarrassed.

 

            Before, I'd asked her what she'd done with my razor; she said she'd thrown it away.  I'm glad she did, or I'd have started on myself today.  It was yet another of moments...she was tired, since last night, she'd woken up constantly, falling out of my bed.  I didn't use my own bed, personally...the couch was bigger.  She caught onto this quickly enough, and said she'd get me back.  Meanwhile, I'd decided to run from the monster in the mirror again, behind a veil of mascara.  I felt bad about it at first, thinking about how I'd become.  I couldn't stand the thought of her seeing it either, so I hid from her as best I could.

 

            I began to cook a light breakfast, though I didn't feel like eating.  I sat down at the table and forced down my meal.  I heard Alexia pass behind me, still wordless.  She was watching her bounds, because all she knew now was that I was in a bad mood, and she didn't want me to snap at her again, I assumed.  I didn't like her nervous about being herself.

 

            As she went into my room, I went behind her, and she didn't notice.  Understanding the electricity problem, she lit the candles and looked into the mirror, not so much as noticing me behind her.  I was pondering what to say, yet again, but I had nothing.  I knew I had to say something, so I spoke without thought, leaving no time to debate with myself.

 

"Alexia, what's wrong?"

She turns, startled.  "Uh, nothing..."

"I'm not stupid, Alexia.  Why're you biting your tongue?"

"I'm not.  Why would I?"

"You aren't as witty and elusive as you'd like to think.  Don't try and fool me."

"Okay, fine.  I'm biting my tongue, happy?  Now, what do you want?"

 

            I hadn't expected her to get frustrated and snap.  That was a result of not thinking.  I thought about my next words carefully.

 

"If you don't have something to say, then I do.  Why're you trying so hard to be secretive?  Why hide that number?  Why even give me your number?  You had no idea who I was."

"I knew exactly who you were, and I was aware that you were watchin' me for the past three years, bitchin' out whenever you wanted to talk to me.

 

            Humiliation.  Strong humiliation.  Now, I was wishing I'd never started this.  Now that I did, I couldn't just back down or off, though.

 

"For you to know that, you were doing the same!  So what, we were both afraid to talk to each other?  And you still didn't answer any of my other questions."

 

            She sighed, exasperated, though despite a display of annoyance, I observed her face turning red.  She'd hesitated before she spoke her next piece, I'd stricken a nerve.  Luckily, it wasn't an anger felt nerve...

 

"OK...fine.  I was watching you, and everything I observed went back to your 'silent solitude'.  Your makeup told me that you scorned others pleasure, and you sat back in a wordless self loathing refusing yourself simple pleasure."

 

            She made me sound so simple and cliché.  I didn't say anything, because I never expected to be summed up so easily.  She went on, aware that I was taken by surprise.

 

"When you defended me from that guy, I knew it wasn't just some pacifist thing.  I know you don't care about a girl being hit, I watched you walk past a fight last year, even though it was a girl frantically defending herself as her boyfriend pretty much beat the hell out of her.  You were defending me, not just some girl."

 

            I wanted to take my comment on her cleverness back, she was too much.  I didn't know to be impressed, or scared.  All the time I watched her, she watched me...watched me watch her.  She took in every little thing I did, and learned me until she knew me better than anybody else did.  And she did this, without speaking to me even once...

 

"I knew that you knew little about me, but nonetheless, you adored me.  I wanted to keep it that way.  I spent a long time trying to figure out just how to approach you, and based off your attitude towards showing emotions, I chose to be 'mysterious'."

 

            I thought for a moment on what she said, and then I realized a possibility.

 

"You knew I was there, at the restaurant, didn't you?"

 

            She knows I'm nervous.  She's aware that I know just how witty she is, and she knows it put me on my guard.  The satisfied look on her face at my awed expression seemed slightly menacing.  She was like a rose, and I'd forgotten the thorns.  Now I was too close, and blood was drawn.

 

"Relax, Alex.  I never followed you, ever.  I had no idea you were there, my brother honestly goes there a lot, and I had to come with him.  Our meeting there was just fortuitous."

 

            I recall the foot inside of me.

 

"Fortuitous?  That's called malapropism."

 

            She smiles, throwing me off.

 

"I apologized, stop bitching about it."

 

            She laughs cutely, but it was creepy how her words mixed with her sudden playful attitude.  Taking a page from her book, I know that she only swore when she was annoyed.  It was an odd cross, she was annoyed with me, and at the same time glad I'd asked her about her biting her tongue.

 

"Thanks for noticing, Alex.  I'm glad to know I'm not the only one paying attention to things.  I won't bite my tongue unless it's necessary now, how's that?"

 

            I was confused.  She snapped at me in a sweet, soft voice, and then she talked to me in a serious voice, even though it'd have made sense to have done vice versa.  She laughs at my puzzled face.

 

"I just wanted to see if you'd notice."

 

            She'd toyed with my head, and left it still spinning.  I don't know why, but I thought it was funny.  Maybe I was so baffled, all I could do was laugh.  She really is something, I'd never seen a person so in-depth with analysis like that, and it somehow prided me.  She'd done all of that for me...it was enough to make sure I was content.  I know that she felt more than physical desire, just as I did, somehow.

 

"Twice now I've opened up to you.  Isn't there something to tell me?"

"Wha--"

"I know my admirer didn't snap just because I called him incompetent.  It started with the mention of your parents."

 

            She'd struck the same nerve, from a different angle.  She held fast to that, obviously...

 

"D****t!  What're you supposed to be, CIA?"

"Close enough."

 

            Selfishly enough, I didn't want to tell her.  I didn't want to relive my most unforgettable moments.  However, she'd opened up and shed tears, and all I gave her was a pathetic attempt at comfort, then I shut myself off, not even willing to try, as she did.  I wasn't going to hide again, but I was going to postpone it.

 

"I have to go to work, Alexia.  Can't I tell you when I get back?"

"You can tell me on the way.  I'm coming, too."

"How about on the way home?"

"Fair enough."

 

            She had me.  She had me and wasn't letting go.  Normally, I'd admire that, and I must admit I enjoyed it in part.  At the same time, I wished I could get away, and run again.  Maybe that's why she came, to avoid giving me a chance to bide my time, or plan my way around things.  She went into the bathroom to prepare herself, and I applied my makeup in the mirror in my room while she was there.  When she came out, she looked at my face in disappointment, but said nothing.

 

"What?"

"Nothing...it's just you look so much better without makeup."

 

            I didn't say anything, but I got my stuff ready and left to my broken down car.  She was right behind me, and I held the door to let her get into the passenger seat.  I was glad to be near her, but wished for it to be any other time.  She was makeup-less, dressed in a regular short sleeved shirt and blue jeans.  Not flashy, but comfortable.  I was wearing a black shirt with black jeans.  My brownish black hair was over my eye, covering the place where I'd stopped with the makeup-the faint gash still remained.  I'm sure she noticed where I'd stopped with the makeup, and she saw the gash, and knew I didn't think it proper reason to have stopped.  Maybe the point of her dull clothing was to show me that she had no problem being herself.  As much as she likes to read between the lines, I could expect an inner meaning behind everything she did.  Even her fashion could hold a potential statement...

 

            As we arrived, I noticed Jeff, his brother, and Jeff's girl in the parking lot.  Jeff and his girl were kissing, obviously oblivious of me.  I could see the scab on his brother's mouth, as he licked it, speaking and pointing me out to Jeff.  Jeff and his brother start for my car as I park, leaving his girlfriend behind.  Before he's even close, I hear him tell I small joke to his brother.

 

"Hey Jay, which one's the guy, again?  The one with the makeup, right?"

 

            They snicker like the b*****s they were, and I reach for my razor, only to realize I didn't have it.  This was so opportune...no cameras, few onlookers...I could carve into his face every f*****g word.  I could've carved his face into a permanent grin, and make him bleed a pint for every time he ever called me f*g.  I could've...but not now.  She'd trashed my razor.  For a moment, I felt bitter towards her, but in the end, it was for the better I suppose...

 

"Ay man, what's up?"

"What do you want?"

"Hey man, no need to be edgy, I just wanted to talk."

"Bullshit."

"Fa'real, man."

 

            Alexia suddenly presses closely to me, and kisses me softly on the neck.  Jeff noticed it, and somewhere in his fake smile, he managed to give her a dull look.  I didn't really get what she was doing myself, but I knew it couldn't have been much worse of a time, as she puts her head on my shoulder.  She shoots Jeff a glare that was nastier than I thought she could...I could've sworn she said 'f**k off, b***h', simply because of the glare's intensity.

 

"Lynn, come’ ere, babe."

 

            He kisses her in an over PDA-esque manner, then sneers at Alexia, who does nothing.  She didn't even care, though I expected that. 

 

"You know, man.  I'm impressed you got a girl, what with lookin' like one and all."

"What'd you want?"

"Can't we talk man?  We're buddies, aren't we?"

"What'd you want?"

"To apologize."

"I doubt that."

"I mean it.  I know you and Jay got off to a bad start, so I was thinking maybe you two could start over.  Maybe even get as close as we are."

 

            Jay smiles that same fake smile.  It was undeniable, they were definitely related.

 

"So, how 'bout it?"

 

            He looks at Alexia, and she squeezes me tighter.  I feel the anticipation flow into the tips of my fingers, and I felt my face start to burn.  He looks back up at me, smiling.

 

"That b***h is pretty damn hot for a killer."

 

            I snapped, and went at him, but Alexia caught me.  I nearly took her with me, before I remembered she was there.  This had to have been why she'd been so close to me.  I stopped, and she let go, though still obviously close.

 

"Mr. Canther, you don't work, today!"

 

            Uncle James was outside the restaurant, talking to Jeff.  He knew I was pissed, but didn't say anything to me at first.  Jeff snapped towards him.

 

"Mind your own, old man!"

"Don't lose your job over something so stupid!"

 

            I cut in, or tried to.  As I turned to face Uncle James, Jeff slugged me hard in the cheek, and I crashed onto the pavement, caught off guard.  I know as I landed I was met with a flurry of blows, he kicked me in the stomach and face until my uncle slung him off of me.  Then he decides to swing back at my uncle, who leaned out of it barely, leaving Jeff room to come back at me, and Alexia steps in front quickly.  He slams his fist into her face with his built moment and brute force, and she flies straight into the pavement and rolls once before she can force herself to stop.  She climbs to her feet and comes back at him, but my uncle catches him and slams him down.  All this, before I'd even gotten back up to my knees.  Things seemed to slow down...for me, anyway.  All I could do was struggle to get up while everything unfolded.  Obviously his brother was the same, as he looked around at me and Alexia.  Her longest, before he looked up at Uncle James and Jeff.

 

            I finally stand up straight, and spit out some of the blood I'd tasted.  I felt a little dizzy as I stood, and I stumbled a bit, but I had enough of a sense of direction to find Jeff where he was pinned down.  My uncle caught me before I started, and pushed me back.  All I knew, was that I was f*****g bleeding.  I felt the adrenaline and hatred burning deep into my face, and I knew that if I got my hands on Jeff, I'd kill him.  I couldn't feel any pain, except for my head, which was throbbing, pulsing as waves of pain crashed over and over within my skull.  This, with the brightness of the sun forced me to squint my eyes, and I cursed the sun.

 

"I should call the police, both for trespassing and assault!"

 

            Something in Jeff's head clicked, and he snatched lose, got his girl and brother, and ran for his car.  I went after him, after getting passed my uncle, but he saw me coming, and locked his car doors, cranking up and rolling up his windows.  I made a fist to smash the windshield, but I ended up jumping back to avoid being run over as he sped out of the lot.  All the years of built up hatred and mockery...they would NOT end like this.  I turned to my car, and Alexia saw me, and quickly stepped in front of the car door.

 

"Let it go for now, Alex."

"Let it go?  Look at your f****n' face!  You taste just as blood as I do, I'll f****n' bet!  No way I'll let this motherfuckin' p***y think he's won, or that he's gettin' off on this s**t!"

 

            I was yelling, I know it, and I didn't care.  As I reached my car, Alexia pushed against me.

 

"Alex, get him LATER!"

"Alexia, get the f**k outta the way!"

 

            She couldn't overpower me, and she knew it.  She still gave it her all, and when she couldn't win with plain pushing, she moved herself in the way as I'd pushed her back to the car.  I slammed my hand in frustration around her, hoping to scare her, but she didn't flinch.

 

"Move, d****t!"

 

            She held for dear life, but I still moved her.  My uncle then caught me, and wrestled me to the pavement.

 

"Calm down, boy!"

 

            I knew I couldn't overpower him, and at this point, struggling was pointless.  I sat and seethed silently, wanting nothing more than everything to collapse.  I felt the anger welling up inside me, and I wanted to explode.  I went from pure rage at Jeff to hating everything, being reminded of how tiny and powerless I really was.  I wanted to scream with everything I had, and shatter the ground upon which I was pinned, and watch the world cave in around me.  I struggled to keep restraint.  I spit out more blood, and sat perfectly still.  I felt all the pain my rage blocked out as I forced myself into a state of mental neutrality.

 

            Alexia lay on a couch in the back of the restaurant, an employee’s only area.  I stood against the wall, near the couch.  I'd apologized to her and my uncle, but she said nothing.  My uncle never says anything about it, unless I don't apologize.  She was asleep now, after coming from a hospital.  My uncle said she was fine, but she'd hit the pavement too damn hard for me to accept that.  I was right, and she'd suffered a concussion, though it wasn't too bad.  She didn't care, and with both her and my uncle's cool nature over the matter, I felt I was the only one who did.  We left the hospital before the doctor could check up on me.

 

            I had a busted lip and nose, but they'd stopped bleeding hours ago.  Though 2 hours had passed, it was still fresh on my mind.  Alexia groaned, rolling over in her sleep, and I was awake with my thoughts.  I cast a glance over to her face, she'd just woken up, it seemed.

 

"I'm bored..."

 

            It was obvious by how she'd been laying at that moment that she wasn't sleeping, or going back to sleep.  It was too hot and humid for that.  She was damp with sweat, and by the way she moved, she obviously thought it was gross.

 

            She got up, and began to pace before the couch slowly, and I watched silently.  She honestly seemed to have dropped the day’s events, and was truly just...bored.  She was 17, but that thought was enough to make me think of her, though momentarily, as a child.  The way she looked as she thought of something fun to do reminded me of a 6 year old, though her obviously more mature figure didn't allow me to picture it.  She'd been talking the entire time, but I didn't really hear it.

 

"Are you even listening!?"

 

            I jumped, startled.  She laughed at me slightly, rolling her eyes, and I felt embarrassed.

 

"What's there to laugh at?  We both just got our asses kicked.  I dunno what I'm going to tell your mom about it, either.  To make matters worse, we have to see Jeff in school, and I don't know how badly he's gonna rub it in."

"Grow up.  I couldn't care less about anything Jeff has to say.  You're so worried about humiliation and maintaining the 'odd' image, aren't you?  Don't, it's stupid, in my opinion."

"Okay then, what do I tell your mom when she sees your bruised cheek?"

"That I got my a*s kicked.  You can tell her you did it if you want, even."

 

            I searched her eyes-she was dead serious.

 

"And you'll get Jeff, I know it.  He's cocky, and infatuated with his image.  If you forget about trying to be so tragic, I think you'll notice opportunity looking straight at you."

 

            I thought about that as I began my shift.  I always come to work at least 2 hours early, and usually I put in overtime if I can.  Today, I only worked my shift.  On my way home, I find I was still thinking about the fight.  The humiliation of the concept, being defended by your petite girlfriend, and 50 something year old uncle...while you're 19.  I felt like scum just thinking about it, though I couldn't help but wonder about Alexia.  She took the punch, and got up like it never happened.  She didn't lose her wits at all like I'd done.  She said her older brother hated her...did that mean he'd done the same?  Is that the reasons he took it so easily, she was used to being hit?

 

            Why do I piss myself off with these thoughts?  I'd come to hate the man before I met him, going this route.  I looked at her, sleeping once more in the passenger seat.  The tattered seat only made her stand out more eloquently...she seemed so serene and beautiful.  Her youthful face seemed as innocent as a child's, and it didn't seem to carry the years of misery I know it did.  If I could see the swollen side of her face, would it still be the same?

 

            In this short amount of time, I'd become more infatuated with her beauty, though I felt even more love rather than simple desire.  Would I have ever felt anything for her if she wasn't pretty?  Would I have even given her a second glance?  Numerous random thoughts swarmed my head, leaving me numb and brain dead.

 

            As I pulled into my garage and removed the keys from the ignition, I shook Alexia gently, waking her.  To my surprise, a blue car pulled in behind mine.  A tall, thin man stepped out of the car, dressed in a thick t-shirt, and beige khaki pants.  The fashion he carried was too...off to be noticed or ignored.  I ignored that entirely as he stepped over to my car as I stood at the door.

 

"Would you be Mr. Bensent?"

"Yes, I am.  What do you want?"

"Not much of a talker--"

"No I'm not, and now's a bad time to talk.  What do you want?"

 

            He mutters something to himself, then looks into the passenger seat of y car, though where I stood ensured he kept his distance.  I made the observation that he carried himself highly and over-dignified, but he obviously was nobody important.

 

"What do you want?"

"I was looking for my little sister, and our mother said she was here."

 

            "He looks at my make-up, and busted lip, and then he scoffs.  I look at his pathetic clothing and demeanor in disgust, and met his eyes, competing for dominance.  He looks away first, and I sneer.

 

"Is she here?"

"Yeah.  She's asleep at the moment, though."

"I see.  You're her new boyfriend, aren't you?"

 

            He looks at me with mock sympathy.

 

"You heard about her last boyfriend?"

"F**k you."

 

            It caught him off guard.  I thought he was going to say something about that, and I was waiting for it.  I started towards him, eager with the knowledge he didn't know what'd just happened, nor what was about to happen.  He'd lost his wits and arrogance, and was backing away from me, clueless as to why, sputtering on fear.  He was all talk.  As I expected, Alexia stopped me, a hand on my arm, not pulling, but reluctantly saying 'no'.

 

"Hey Mike..."

"Alexia."

 

            His badass was back, now that I wasn't after him.  I hated him before I met him, and now that I've met him, I wanted to kick his b***h a*s...

 

            He was too dignified.  The moment he pulled into my garage, he'd pissed me off.  Now, he doesn't even treat his sister with a remote trace of respect, acknowledging her like an enemy-or a dog.  No wonder I knew who he was...

 

"Alex, this is my oldest brother, Michael Bhardini.  Mike, this is my boyfriend--"

"He knows."

"I know."

 

            We'd spoken simultaneously.  I was sure he felt the same sudden hatred for me, but I don't understand why.  I felt the tension everywhere, me and Alexia, me and him, and her and him...it was an iceberg between us before Damon broke it.  I had no idea he'd even been in the car.

 

"So YOU'RE Alex, eh? You're a pretty tiny fellow..."

"Yeah?"

"No offense meant, I just recall my mom saying you helped Alexia 'handle' me, so I thought you'd be bigger."

"Uhh...handle?  All I did was pull back a punch, buy you a beer, and drive you home."

"Oh...I see.  I'm sorry about the restaurant.  I can't remember what'd happened, but I'm sure I'd done something stupid."

 

            Obviously, he was sober.  His composure told me that he was embarrassed thinking about what he might've done.  He never passed off as a bad guy to me, even when drunk.  I saw him for the threat he was, but I know that animosity was the alcohol, and not him.  Thing is, now, he obviously had his wits and sound mind about him.

 

            Why so different?  Wasn't Mike and Damon raised the same?  How are they so...different?  And Alexia...she's hardly similar to her brothers.  None of them were like their mother, except Mike.  Damon even seemed to be a decent guy, and Alexia wasn't half as evil as the others.

 

"Hey man, we gonna stand out here?  Let me just take my sister, and--"

"Shut up.  She doesn't want to go home right now.  I'll bring her when she's ready."

"What's with you?"

"I dunno.  Something in your face just pisses me off.  That, and I don't want you here."

"Alex, he is still my brother."

 

            Why'd she stop me?  I stopped to ask myself, "She doesn't love him...does she?"

 

"I'm sorry, Mike.  I just feel very s****y today."

"Oh, don't worry about it..."

 

            He didn't even think about it.  I invited them in, reluctantly.  Mike immediately sat down, then asked if I had something to drink.  I looked at Alexia, and she looked right back at me, coldly.  It took a moment to realize her glare wasn't at me, it'd just been there.  Her face seemed different the instant she introduced me and him.  I went to get him a soda, aware he expected alcohol.  I was taking longer than I should've, trying to calm myself.  I heard their voices, but I didn't know what they were saying.  After a while, I could make it out...

 

"So, the b***h left you, Damon?"

"Yeah..."

"Didn't I say she would?  I told you she seemed too much like Alexia."

"What, is Alexia your model for all things bad?"

"She is the murderous s**t, isn't she?  We could have a normal family if it wasn't for her."

 

            I couldn't believe my ears.  He was saying that about his own sister...and right there in front of her.

 

"Don't lump Alexia with Haley, there's quite a difference.  If anything, I say that's your fault, letting her date that guy though he was 19 anyway.  She defended herself from a boy too old for her.  Why'd you even let them together?  Why weren't you the bigger brother you should've been?"

"Don't put that on me!  I knew he wouldn't do anything to her, he wasn't that kinda guy!"

"But he did.  And she was only 14-he was 19.  Wrong is wrong."

"She killed him!  She's a heartless b***h!"

"She got to him before dad did.  That's all.  You refuse to let her side go through, don't you?"

"Her f****n' side!?  F**k her!   She killed my best friend!  Don't EVER try to make her sound innocent!"

"You're yelling."

"DAMN RIGHT!  This s**t found a new victim too.  I'd bet he thinks she's good, and I'm an a*****e!"

"That's enough--"

"NO, that's not enough!  That son of a b***h wants to jump me, and I'm tryin' to save his a*s!  He won't be happy till she spills his f****n' intestines!"

 

            I'd heard enough.  I bolted back into the room, infuriated.

 

"Shut the f**k up and sit down!"

"F**k you!  You can't even realize when someone's--"

 

            He was so riled that he didn't notice me still approaching him.  I threw a straight punch right into his open mouth, with everything in me.  He fell against the wall, dazed by the punch, but still cursing to himself.  I came back in, and this time he noticed.  I saw the fear of the incoming punch develop as his eyes widened, then closed as he turned his head in anticipation.  I hit him two more times while he was still dazed and afraid, then Alexia catches my arm and tries to pull me back.  I had the sudden urge to punch her, too, for being so stupid.  Damon grabbed me and pushed me into the opposite wall.

 

"Calm the f**k down!"

"You heard what he said!  Don't you dare tell me to calm down."

"You crazy mascara wearing son of a b***h!  You crazy fuckers go GREAT together!"

"Alexia, why protect him?"

"He's my brother."

"F**k that, blood doesn't mean S**T to him!"

"I don't care about how he feels.  I just can't let you hurt my brother.  That's all there is to it."

"You crazy psycho b*****s, why don't you just kill each other!?"

"SHUT THE F**K UP!"

 

            I screamed at the top of my lungs.  Everything was silent-he was scared, Alexia seemed to feel nothing, and Damon was trying to keep calm.

 

"I should sue you for assault."

"What?"

"You heard me."

"I'll counter sue for trespassing, and emotional distress."

"You're on, then."

"Both of you, shut up."

 

            Damon spoke out, annoyed and exasperated.

 

"Nobody's suing anybody, got it?  Mike, I refuse.  If you try to start a law suit, I'll take Alex's side on this."

 

            Mike said nothing, and we had another silence.

 

"Sorry for all this, Alex.  We should be going..."

"Yeah.  Let's go, Alexia."

"She stays."  Damon said lowly to Mike.

 

            Though younger, Damon's word was law.  He and Mike left wordless.  Alexia looked at me, then it seems she decided to leave.  I called for her, and followed her to the door before she responds.

 

"Alex, I'm not leaving.  I've got something to do."

 

            I watched from the window as she spoke with Damon, Maybe she was thanking him-she never told me.  She hugs him, and Mike rolls his eyes, and says something.  They both ignored him.  After around 5 minutes, they left, and she came back in, and then sat down, asking that I do the same.  Curious, but not as upset as earlier, I did so.

 

“Alex, don’t fight my brother, okay?  I love that you felt so strongly about what he was saying, but he’s still my brother.”

“He doesn’t—“

“I’m not finished.”

 

            I shut up.  Something about her…

 

“By allowing you to turn on my family, I’d be the b***h he makes me out to be.  I won’t let that happen, and that’s the only reason, understand?

“Uhh…yeah…”

 

            We were close, but her sudden embrace startled me.

 

“Thank you for believing me.  You don’t have a clue how much it means to me.”

 

            At this moment, I lost understanding of what was happening.  Was she about to open up like I was hoping she would?  I’d gotten the impression before that she was pissed, but now she was glowing, I couldn’t feel any anger in her.  It was like the events of minutes past never happened.  I relaxed, and I appreciated her ability to calm me.

 

“You owe me a story, by the way.”

I blinked twice, letting go of her, “Huh?”

“You can’t fool me.”

 

            My parents.  Maybe my mind was too cooked to understand to be angry she ruined a serene moment.  Instead, I was nervous about speaking, though I felt she deserved to know if she wanted to.  I took a deep breath, and I began to pull the scabs from old wounds.

 

“First, you have to know more about my parents…they were going through things, and were gonna divorce after 27 years.”

“Why?  What’d happened?”

“I dunno.  They tried to get along around me.  It was obvious bullshit, though…”

 

            I paused, and thought for a moment.  The memories were so vivid, and yet, they seemed to fit no words.  I couldn’t think of a way to word things, though I’d always had these words on the tip of my tongue until today.  Today, I must’ve swallowed them.  I always spoke to myself about it, out loud.  I always described the dead bodies clearly, out loud, with myself as my audience-envisioning someone else there to listen and understand.  Now, I couldn’t utter a word…I felt embarrassed.  A chill ran through my spine, but I didn’t understand why.  I did as I so often did, and forced myself on without thought.  Alexia’s face was morbidly serious as I spoke, and I could only imagine what thoughts filled her mind.

 

“So it was around 2 months after they split up, I’d just come from staying with my dad, to stay the weekend with her.  I visited her when the weekends came, but Brian wanted nothing to do with her.”

“Brian?”

“My older brother.”

“You have a brother?”

“He’s dead.”

She paused.  “How old was he to decide that he didn’t have to see her?”

“He was graduating from high school.  I recall 18.”

“Why’d he hate her?”

“She was an emotionally unstable drughead, and on severe highs, had multiple personalities.”

“Your mom was a drug user?”

“Our dad never found out.  He wasn’t exactly a loyal man, nor did he really care.”

 

            I breathed in, and then started again.

 

“I’d asked her to talk to him, but she’d said no.  I wanted them back together so much.  I was such a childish, selfish back then.

 

            Alexia said nothing, and I took in her silence before continuing.

 

“I was persistent, and she eventually gave in, but she ‘increased’ her dosage, because she’d said she’d feel better about it, that way.  She’d never told me it was wrong to use drugs, and father never really said anything at all.  She lost us because she’d gotten arrested in a street fight, and was conveniently high.  Dad claimed us, but we were good as alone with him, he was hardly even home so much as at his girlfriend’s house.  He was home for once, when I brought mom over.”

 

            When did she get so close?  We’d been standing, and she was embracing me, her head resting lightly on my shoulder.  It was comforting this way, reminiscent of how I’d done her.  I closed my eyes, and let the thoughts flow again, picturing the words as they passed my lips.  I felt so…

 

“My dad was there, as was his new girl.  For as stupid as I was, I could see my mom was crushed, seeing her best friend with her husband.  Her whole body seemed to convulse the instant they laid eyes upon each other.  My mom had been talking to my dad, and it was going so well…”
”Then?”

“That b***h walked in.”

 

            I somewhat surprised myself.  I wasn’t expecting I’d be so bitter…Alexia might’ve been surprised too, because something in her composure seemed to change.  She recovered quickly, though.  Following suit, I regained composure and carried on.

 

“She came from his bedroom, dressed in only a thin, short gown.  She stopped the instant she saw my mom, and then the three of them broke into arguing…”

 

            The words played in my mind again…

 

“Honey, I can explain—“

“You b***h…”

“Lauren, I—“

“F**k you.”

“There’s no need to talk like that, just let me—“

“I don’t wanna hear S**T you have to say!”

 

            It’d been the first time I heard my mother talk like that, when I thought of it.  I was silent, pausing my story to think, but my grip on Alexia tightened, though she didn’t say a word.  I recalled when my brother had came into the room, everyone but me chimed into the argument…

 

“And I thought we were supposed to be friends!”

“We are, but—“

“You’re here with my children, my husband…you’re taking the only things I have!  Don’t let me ever find that they call you mother!”

“Why not?”

 

            My brother always hated her.  He always hated her so much…

 

“She’s a better mother now than you could ever be!”

 

            I clutched Alexia tighter, then began to speak again, still reminiscing.

 

“Mom was devastated.  Her best friend took all she had…she’d become her replacement.  She’d broken into tears as it sank in for her that my brother-her son said this woman was a better mother.  In the awkwardness of it all, my dad told her it might be best if she left…”

“Did she leave?”

“No, she said she just needed some time to herself, and she went into the bathroom.  She stayed in there for maybe…two hours.  After a while, I recalled a strange smell as I walked past the door.  The smell made me feel dizzy…”

“She was using everything she could fit in her purse, wasn’t she?”

“Yeah…my dad had forgotten she was even there, though.  She came out while the two were on the couch.  My mom had found my dad’s gun, hidden in the bathroom…well, one of them.  He was a collector.”

 

            I could nearly smell the gunpowder as I spoke, and my eyes began to burn, as I saw his head burst apart and I heard the woman screaming.  I heard my mom scream too…

 

“F**k you!”

“Lauren, no!”

“F**k you!”

 

            My mother was slurring within her violent tears and drug saturated mentality.

 

“You’re crazy!”

 

            I realized I was crying, as I felt a tear trickle down my cheek, and off my chin.

 

“No!”

 

            I startled Alexia, I felt her jump.  Then she realized I was talking to myself, telling myself not to cry…like I’d ever listen to myself.  I felt tiny and pathetic, like a small animal in a cage for public display.  I wanted to scream and shatter my cage.  I wanted to destroy it, and my other would-be restraints.

 

“Let it out, Alex.”

“I refuse to cry.  I can’t sink this low…”

“I told myself the same thing…and what did you say to me?”

 

            I didn’t respond.

 

“Don’t let them break you.  This demon is your past, and it’s breaking you.  Let it out, and strengthen yourself.  Don’t carry everything the world throws at you, some things can’t be changed, and those should be let go.  Learn your lessons and move on.  These weights are building…”

I sighed.  “I know, but how do let go?”

“You move on.  You sill live every moment of your life from these memories, practically.  Stop reminiscing, and see where your life is now.”

 

            She was talking about more than this moment, obviously.  I admitted it to myself then, that I was living my life under that shadow.  It’s influenced my every move, and it was the major contributor to my current state of mind.  It was a building burden, as more and more obstacles came on me.  I could admit I needed to move on, but still…I could never forget…

 

“You killed her!”

“I’m not a bad mother.”

“You’re crazy.”

“I’m not a bad mother.”

“Put the gun down!”

“I’m NOT!”

 

            Shots ran through my ears, leaving a painful ringing.  My brother’s startled cry was cut off by another shot, then another.  She’d placed one foot on his chest, and began loading shot after shot into him, in blind rage.  Or maybe intentionally…

 

“I’m not a bad mother!  I’m not I’m not I’m not I’m not-I’m not I’m not I’m NOT!”

 

            The powerful recoil of the gun slammed into her chest again and again, distorting her voice.  One last shot, and she lost balance, and stumbled back against the wall, dropping the burning gun.  I could see her burned hands even from the distance.  I was frozen, too afraid to fight back, too stupid to run…

 

“She emptied the gun on my brother, after she killed Ms. Lisanna.  Then like an entirely different person, she actually then began to sob hysterically over him.”

 

            Her makeup ran down her face, and seemed to reflect the real her, the monster she’d become.  There was no trace of the mother who raised me, except for the tears.

 

“I’m so sorry Brian!  Please, don’t die!”

 

            He was already dead, by the second shot…

 

“She begged him not to die, as if he could hear her.  As if he had a choice.  She held him tightly, apologized over and over, caressing his cheeks until the warmth was gone, and the color faded.  She rose, bloodstained, and she appeared to be nothing short of a demon.”

“Did she even see you?”

“She didn’t see me, or even know Uncle James was there.”

“He was there?”

“He’d already called the police by this point, and was trying to get his own gun ready, but he couldn’t find the bullets.  He wasn’t so stupid as to come unarmed…

“Didn’t that nearly cost you your life?”

 

            I didn’t argue, she was right.  I only had one response, in his defense.

 

“His gun’s always pre-loaded, now.”

 

            I tried to smile, but I just wasn’t feeling it.  It felt disgusting to try, even.  I tried to put my head down to hide my disgust, but Alexia gently lifted it back up.

 

“You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”

 

            It’d happened again, I realized.  When did we let go each other?  Why could I think about that, while I was falling apart?  Of all thoughts...I just wanted to hold, and be held then.  I realized that, as I felt cold on the inside, suddenly.  For once, I made a move, wrapping my arms around her waist, and kissed her on the cheek.  I let my chin drop to her shoulder.  I knew, somehow, that everything was okay, no matter how it felt…

 

“She hugged me, crying, and the blood that stained her clothes got on my face.  She told me she loved me, no matter what.”

 

            I felt a stabbing pain in my chest, struggling to blink away even more tears, and focused on Alexia as I spoke.  She was so soft…almost like she was frail.  Obviously she was thin, but she was by no means excessively thin, and I could feel her muscled tighten, and her heart beat gradually rising.  Maybe I’d imagined it, but I thought I could feel her trying to relax, as I had so often done.  She was shaking softly, I could feel it.  I’d shaken the same way, before…

 

“Then she slashed a razor across my side.  The burning intensified instantaneously into a full fledged ache, and spread through me over and again.  I screamed, and tried to pull away, but she had me.  She cut two more times, both times I contemplated if the pain could get worse, only to find it could.  She only stopped because the blade was caught in one of my ribs, and she had trouble pulling it out, for a moment.  Enough time for the police to come in…”

"What happened next?"

 

            She knew I was gonna tell.  She just felt like saying something...being rendered speechless is not the depth of emotion.

 

"To sum it up, they pleaded with her, but she put the blade to my throat and held me like a shield.  A f****n' rookie-a wanna be hero shot, and hit me in the leg, trying to get her.  Still, the shot startled her, and I dropped like a b***h the instant she let go.  I heard more gunshots, then she landed on me, bleeding so thickly from the mouth, it seemed black.  Her eyes were locked on me, she was trying to speak, her mouth moving weakly, her lips barely forming words I could not interpret.  She successfully sputtered blood in my face, and that's all.  I blacked out by that point, and woke in a hospital.  The damned lights hurt as much as the gunshots in my ears..."

 

            The end of the story felt like the light at the end of a tunnel.  I felt so much lighter, just having spoken to someone about it, and not just someone-her.  She lets go and steps back, and I turn to see what she's looking at.  My parent's wedding picture, cracked from earlier today.  She wanted me to see it...

 

"Alex, what do you think of, looking at that picture?"

"My mom's smile, lips stained black with blood."  Mine stained just as black...

"And that starts off your day?  What a gruesome thing to wake up to..."

 

            Something about that struck me as funny, and I laughed.  I found it hard to believe I could laugh so easily-that I could laugh at all, but I did.  She glared at me, though I could see the smile she was trying to hide forming at the edge of her lips.

 

"Here I am trying to be serious, and you had to go and laugh at me!"