The Monster Beneath

            I closed her door as she got in the car for her, and as I got in, she spoke irritably.

"You know, you took that way too serious..."
"What're you talking about?" I feigned ignorance, choking back a smirk.
"You seriously don't know?"
"You planted me with a cell phone, and memorized the place."
"No, I forgot I gave you the phone..." She lied, “and I used to come here when I was little…”
"THEN you could only hold your ground for...5 minutes?"
"You were freaking shooting me all the time, it was just a matter of till I fell!"

I waited in silence for a moment, as did she.  I contemplated apologizing for a moment, then…

"...You started it."

            She sighed again, and I smiled.

"Hey Alexia."
"What?"
"I win."
"I swear if you say that again, I'll--"

            I started the car, and her jaw dropped as she saw the time. I was surprised too...
It was 10:56 PM. We left my house at 7:00, so what the f**k? We didn't play for that long...did we? I figured I could stop by my house for a while first, but now I had to take her straight home...her family would be waiting for me waiting for me, I know it...

            As I pulled into the driveway, I saw nobody...the house seemed deserted. I began to wonder if anyone was home, and in case, I turned off my high beams. Maybe they're sleeping, and I shouldn't wake them...

"You have a key to get in, right?"
"The door's unlocked, they're not sleeping.  You could’ve left your lights on."
"What do you mean?"
"They're waiting in the front room. They do it whenever they're suspicious of me."

            The house itself now seemed to carry an ominous presence, and I felt unease as I took the keys from my ignition, and stepped outside the car. Who're they to spy? Who do they think they are to me?  Then again, I'm supposed to bite my tongue for her sake, so they had me right where they wanted me. Loathsome f*****g s***s...

            I rang the doorbell, wondering what to do. Maybe Mike would have a backbone with his precious mother there...I'll put him down if he so much as breathes towards me. Would Damon be sober? If not...I'll figure it out then.  What if her mother makes me go off and I can’t see her anymore?  All these disastrous images kept playing in my head.  I just kept making myself worry...

"Oh, Mr. Bensent, I was starting to worry..."
"Sorry, Ms. Bhardini."
"Please; you and Alexia take a seat. We should talk." She directed us to a couch.

            I sat down and swallowed nervously. My mouth was dry, and Alexia was just as silent as she sat down, maybe she was afraid. We sat in silence for a second, facing Alexia's stern faced b***h mother before she finally spoke.

"What happened, Mr. Bensent?"
"I'm sorry, I just lost track of the time."
"I see...what exactly were you doing?  That’s what I mean."

            I heard Alexia mutter something under her breath, but I couldn't tell what. I answered, as Alexia went silent again.

"I took Alexia out to eat, and we watched a movie."
"I see...that's nice. Just watch the clock better next time, young man." She…didn’t care?
"Yeah I will. Sorry."
"It's okay."

            Did Mike not tell her everything? I was appreciative at that moment--relieved until Ms. Bhardini spoke to Alexia...

"Who told you to leave? I told Mike to watch you, but you ran away from him and missed your appointment with the psychologist!"
"Psychologist?"
"Yeah, you knew all about it."
"No, I didn't. What for?"
"Mike said you've been hurting yourself, and so he called a psychologist, but you ran away."
"He's lying, he--"
"Alexia, all Mike's ever done is looked out for you, like the good brother he is."
"I can't agree with that."

            I'd spoken up, accidentally. What surprised me even more was that I'd kept going.

"How is calling her a murderer looking out for her? If she's hurting herself, it's him that causes it."
"You're just as disturbed as she is. Mike told me what happened, and I don't think someone like you should judge rationality."
"Disturbed?"
Dead silence filled the room, and I put my hands over my face, gritting my teeth. Alexia put a hand on my shoulder, as aware as Ms. Bhardini was, of what I was thinking.

"Alex, don't."
"With all due respect Ms. Bhardini..."

            I was aware of what I was saying, and I wasn't gonna try to bite my tongue. I've done some s**t I regret, but this wasn't one of those things.

"Which is none. You just called your daughter a f*****g psycho, and you expect me to think she's the crazy one!? You sick b***h!--"
"Alex...that's my mom."
The look she gave me froze me on the spot, shooting ice into my veins. The sudden tone in her voice, all of it leading to me having hurt her. She looked so dejected...so pitiful. I tried to apologize, but I couldn't get my voice to rise much past a whisper.

"Mr. Bensent, a little respect please--I'm maybe 3 TIMES your age!"
"Yeah..."
"Yes ma'am."
"Yeah."
"Then you won't even mind your own business. Our family affairs are none of your concern."
"Sorry..."

            It didn't bother me what she said. Alexia had long since broken eye contact with me, but she still looked hurt and I still felt guilty. I barely even heard Ms. Bhardini's voice, that I remember what she said is a true surprise to me. My only thoughts were how to make Alexia feel better, that look was killing me...
Then at the worst of moments, f**k face decides to come.

"What's all the shouting about?"
"Ah, Mike. Be a dear and talk to Mr. Bensent, would you?"

            Mike's gaze fell upon me, and I realized he was drunk. He had an alcohol insolated spine...but now was a horrible time. I didn't want o talk to him and make things worse--it was time to leave.
"Oh, it's you. The f**k are you doin’ back here so late? Then again, maybe it's a good thing you're here at all. I don't put it past your a*s to keep her away from us."
"Hmph."

            He was a loud, mouthy m**********r, and was good at pissing me off. Still, I can't make matters worse...

"I'll go now...goodnight, Ms. Bhardini, and I'm sorry Alexia."
"Don't even apologize...we'll talk later."
"Hey d****t, I was talkin’ to you!"
"But I don't care to listen."
"Nah, f**k that. You need to hear this s**t."
"Now's NOT a good time for your bullshit, Mike."
"You need to hear my 'bullshit' man, cuz I'm ready to f**k you up about now."

            I turned and walked towards the door.

"Night."
"I said I'm still ta--"

            He'd come after me, and I snapped. I knew I was over him, squeezing his throat as hard as I could when I became aware of what was going on again. The tingling in my knuckles suggested I'd punched him, too. His face was red, his eyes streaming tears. I felt guilty as he flailed helplessly like the b***h he was underneath me...but...why was it so hard to let go?

            I heard a gun loading behind me.

"Get out of my house, both of you..."

            I thought she meant me and Mike, until I heard Alexia's voice, and came to realize what was happening. Alexia's mother was throwing her out...because of me. I heard Alexia speak up, and then I'd have given anything to take back that moment against Mike...

"Mom, I'm sorry, I--"
"You brought a f*****g murderer into my house, you stupid f*****g w***e!  Both of you, get the f**k out."
"Ms. Bhardini, it was my fault. She had nothing to do with--"
"Get out!"
"Mom, listen!"
"Get out of my house before I call the police!"

            I paused briefly in the silence, before I spoke out again...

"Alexia, let's go..."
"But--"
"Get your stuff and let's go."
"Nobodies f*****g listening to me!"
"Just get out of my house."

            Alexia started towards her mother, and her mother aimed the gun from me to her. I looked at her face-into her eyes...she was afraid. She had the f*****g audacity to be afraid of her own daughter. I looked at Alexia as she swallowed, then kept towards her mother. I saw Ms. Bhardini reach for the trigger, then I bolted across and grabbed Alexia, and held tightly.

"You stupid b***h, I never did anything to you."
"Get out of my house, you psychotic b***h."

            Alexia tried to push past me, but I held onto her. She faced me, with tears streaming down her face, and I stared back, wanting worse than ever to look away from her face, from her eyes. The monster she was now...just like me. I still glared back at her, unbending. I can't fully understand how she felt, but I couldn't let up. I held firm to her, until she stopped struggling, then I walked with her, into her room. She didn't speak to me, she didn't speak at all.

"Alexia, I'm sorry for all this..."

            She didn't respond. I nervously looked around her room, it was plain. The walls were straight beige; there was nothing but a bed, desk, computer, and chair. The small red phone on the wall was the only real source of color, and it stuck out amidst all the monotone beige and white. All her stuff was already packed, nothing but clothes, really. She walked past me, and then I followed. As we got back into the front room, Mike slammed me into the wall. I didn't really notice what was going on...I felt like it was all a blurry daze...I couldn't believe this was happening, and especially not because of me.

"F****n cheapshit, man! I should f****n’ kill you!"

            F**k him. I looked at Alexia as she looked at me briefly, and then stepped outside, still crying, but otherwise seemingly nonchalant. Did she hate me? I turned to Ms. Bhardini, who sat in her rocking chair, looking away. Mike punched me in the face, then I snatched free of him, brought back to the reality of that moment. I went outside to Alexia, hearing Ms. Bhardini tell Mike 'enough of that' before the door closed. He'd been coming back, again.

            She'd slowed the tears, and was already walking down the middle of the street. I ran to catch her; thankful she hadn't made it too far. She stopped when she heard my footsteps behind her.

"Alex..."
"Where were you going?"
"Away from here."
"Where would that be?"
"Anywhere but here."
"Please listen Alexia, I--"
"Listen...
All I've ever done is listen to people tell me I'm a f**k up. Tell me how hard they think their life is, because of me, and explain s**t not worth explanations. Would you listen to me?"

            She was like a different person...I knew that now, she was being her, though. No soft or elegant words, all her smiles were gone, this was her as raw as it'd probably ever get. Did I WANT to hear what she'd have to say?

"Definitely."
"Okay, listen to this--I'm tired of everyone's bullshit."

            I took it all in as she spoke, observing similarity...

"I'm tired of being a murderer, I'm tired of being the w***e, I'm tired of being the family b***h."
"I don't see you that way."
"I know, but everyone else seems to. I'm sick of being the outcast. Nobody ever listens to me!"
"Not everyone thinks you're a murderer. I for one, know I don't."
"Alex...you're not my, or William’s (still thinking on a name for him.) family. Our gym coach, he's been the best sport I've had about this whole thing, and he's William's dad. Every time he looks at me, I only imagine what he's thinking...I could never bring myself to talk to him about it."

            I must've looked foolish when realization dawned on my face with this...

"Is that why you were--"
"Ever notice the pattern? He always leaves early, but if I'm absent, then he stays there accordingly, right?"
"Does he blame you?"
"I dunno, he never said anything to me."

            I thought for a moment on the situation, aware that the flare she had was fading. She was reluctant to go on...

"How come you never said anything to anyone?"
"About the coach?"
"About all of this."

            She didn't respond, and I continued.

"You said nothing about your family, nothing about your teachers, nothing about...anything. You let things get this far. YOU."
"If I said something, you know they'd have taken me away from here..."

            She stops abruptly, as realization dawns once more in me. She puts her head down, as if bracing for what I might say.

"What was so wrong with leaving? What reason could there be for wanting to stay?"
"I don't really know...I was just afraid of it."
"Liar. You actually loved your family, didn't you?"
"Well, they're my family..."

            I was annoyed that my realization was so weak. It seemed before that she was trying to hide it, but now it seemed obvious. At least now I understand why she wouldn't have said anything...
What I didn't understand, was how she'd still love them. Mike, Ms. Bhardini...
Why can't she hate them?

"Why does that mean so much to you!? What the f**k's so great about that? They don't care, why do you?"
"They're my family."
"That's it? That's all you had to say, then?"

            She lowered her head even more, trembling at my voice as I grew louder. I wish I'd have stopped and thought of someone other than myself for once...

"Well f**k, you caused this s**t on yourself! Just like me. You condemn me for the same s**t you do! So many things you should've done to get outta here, to get a better situation, but you stayed. You stayed in your f****n' blanket of despair. How can you be so fed up when you did this s**t to yourself?"
"F**k you..."

            I realized it too late...way too late. She was crying again, because of me. Because of my 'moment', my chance to shoot back while she was most vulnerable. I'm so f*****g stupid sometimes...all I could do was freeze, and think of what I'd said. Eventually, I realized she'd walked past me, and I caught up with her, and held her from running. She struggled, but it wouldn't be that easy to just go, I had something to say. 

"Alexia, I'm so sorry."
"Let go of me!"
"Please, listen, what--"
"Let go!"
"What are you--"
"Get the f**k off of me!"
"Going to do? You can stay with me!"
"I'll scream!"
"At least until you get on your own feet!"

            She sighed (thank f**k she didn't scream...), then calmed down, it seemed. I felt her body slump in my arms, breathing a bit heavily. She was only barely using her legs, if I let go, she'd have fallen.

"Do you enjoy this?"
"What?"
"Do you enjoy holding me in your arms? Is that why you won't let go?"

            I hesitated...

"I love you, yunno... I know where you'll go if I let go, so I can't just let you go."

            Neither of us said anything for a while, and I lowered my head onto her shoulder, and kissed her neck softly. She shifted her body, into more of a lean than going limp. I couldn't bite back a smile at knowing that amidst the s****y night we'd had, that things seemed to look up, if even only a little bit.

"I love you, too..."

            Even a week later, the events of that night still weighed heavy on my mind. Legally, she was still with her family. Legally, I wasn't s**t to her...but she refused emancipation. I tried, but she didn't listen, she had no desire for it whatsoever. She'd gotten my uncle to hire her, and she took my old position. I'd become assistant manager, but with an employment of under 10 overall, it felt so miniscule.

            She was only a shell of herself, she rarely smiled, or got angry...like she was devoid of emotions. I think she was depressed...one thing was certain about her, she did what she needed, plus. She did more than she was paid for, and she took care of my home. Her grades didn't drop...the only thing that seemed flawed was her being.

"I wish you would kill me..."

            She said that one night, she'd fallen asleep on the couch in the front, studying for an exam. I woke her, and it seemed like it never happened, but I'd only wonder what she was dreaming of.

"I hate you...I wish you would just kill me..."

            I asked her, but she wouldn't answer. She changed the subject every time I asked. I couldn't stand it...her emptiness left me feeling empty, feeling guilty...what the hell was going through her mind?

            I watched her in gym class, she played basketball alone, as people seemed to completely avoid her. It was so...lifeless. She'd shoot...dribble...shoot...repeat. She was talking back and forth, dribbling, shooting, and then walking to where the ball fell. I wanted to join her, but I knew I'd have about as much fun as she was...

            Still, I had to do something. I approached her, and the sidelong glance she gave me was the only sign of recognition of me. I wrapped my arms around her waist, and kissed her neck from behind. She pulled her arms back down, momentarily forgetting the shot, and spoke words with the same lifelessness she carried.

"What's up?"
"What do you mean?"
"Did you need something?"
"Not really. What, I can't come near you unless there's a reason?"
"That's been the case the last few times."

            I waited for a moment.

"What's wrong?"

            She sighed, and moved to shoot the ball, but I snatched it from her.

"Seriously Alexia. Talk to me."

            She started towards the bleachers, and I felt my face burn with irritation. I stepped in the way, and moved in front of her when she tried walking around me. She clenched her hands and made fists, but knew she was getting nowhere.

"Not now. Maybe later..."
"Alright. You promise?"
"Excuse me."

            She pushed past me, walking past the bleachers to the girl's locker room. I gritted my teeth, annoyed. Was I like this? Wow...I'm an a*****e.

            As the door began to close to the girl's locker room, I caught it and yelled into it, met by a bunch of screams, as Alexia disappeared behind the startled b*****s, Drowning my voice out. I yelled again, this time she responded, just as the coach snatched me out of the doorway.

"Promise!?"
"Fine, whatever! Get the hell out before you get in trouble!"
"What the hell're you doin, son!?"

            I was getting in serious trouble more than likely I expected. But f**k, I got her to show SOME sign of life...that made it worth it.

            I love lazy coaches...it means he won't follow all the necessary steps. Laps on the track in exchange for the full possible consequences? Hell f****n’ yeah...

Five laps in after school, I watched Jeff as I came around again, panting. He was talking to Alexia, as she was watching me. She didn't even look his way, but I was still getting pissed. What the f**k did he want? So backwards...he finally did something to get a little respect from me, then he turns and...does that?

            During the 25th lap--my last lap, he tries to wrap his arms around her shoulder, but she steps away. He steps closer to her, and quickly wraps his hands around her waist, as she raises her hands to push him away. In that instant, I felt my pulse throughout my entire body. In that instant, I felt myself start to cut across the track. The air was like fire as I inhaled, and then I was there.

            I couldn't stop my chest from heaving as waves of pain flowed through my hand, ebbing through my arm. It was like slow motion as Jeff hit into the pavement, and rolled into the freshly cut grass. I heard yelling surround me...

"I'll Kill you!"
"I swear I'll f*****g kill you!"
"Stupid f*****g ROACH! Miniscule insect, waste of f*****g EXISTENCE! I'll kill you, I'll f*****g kill you!"

            I saw Alexia's face, a small smear of blood was on it, and she was horrified. It was all I could see as she stood before me, looking strained. I found her presence humiliating...I felt regret. Why?

            I moved backwards quickly...what was going on? I looked behind me; the coach was pulling me, also looking strained. I looked straight, at Alexia...she was pushing me. She was positioned in between me and Jeff...protecting him?

            I looked up at Jeff as I fell backwards, he lay motionless, blood covering his face. I didn't, did I? I couldn't have...

"Alex, Please tell me you didn't!"
"Oh God, I can't believe this!"

            I heard her, frantic, but I felt submerged in a panicked stupor...
I felt myself land on my back, and she landed over me, squeezing me as tightly as she could. Something...not sweat...was dripping on my chest. Tears? Was she crying?

            A voice rang out...Jeff's voice. I couldn't make out the words he said at first. I saw the coach move to him from behind me.  Then, I could make out the words, if only for a moment. He was as frantic as Alexia...

"You're crazy! You're f*****g crazy! I can't believe I'm gonna die over this--"
"Chill the hell out, you're not dyin'!"

            Momentary silence followed Jeff and the coach's conversation. I could hear, but I couldn't see anything. Hearing grew harder, and all I could hear now was voices...wordless, but familiar. They were panicked, but I relaxed, as did they, eventually.

            I awoke in a room, in a cold sweat. The bright light burned my eyes, and I turned to the side, realizing I was in a hospital room, and finding myself face to face with Alexia, and I saw my uncle pacing behind her. Her eyes were red from crying, but she showed warmth at the realization my eyes had opened and fallen upon her. I couldn't stand seeing her like this...her face was so distorted...it was so easy to tell she wasn't calm. Could I have fucked up any worse?

"What...the F**K...were you thinking!?"

            My uncle's voice boomed out, awaking me from my stupor, harshly.  I looked up in time to see his big hand coming down upon me, and instinctively I rolled off of the hospital bed, onto the white floor and away from him.  As I stood, I felt my legs buckling beneath me-they were a bit numb.  As soon as I made this realization, the entirety of my body fell backwards, and then I couldn’t move-why was I numb, and why now!?

 

            As he rushed around the table for me, I could do little to nothing to defend myself.  Fortunately, two doctors rushed in to hold him, and they managed to delay him just long enough for 3 security officers to restrain him with combined efforts…and I got off unscathed. 

“You f****n’ moron, are you trying to die on me or something?  Letting yourself get that worked up, why didn’t you tell me things were this f*****g bad?  F*****g idiot!”

 

            As Uncle James was forcibly removed from the room, the doctors lifted my limp body and moved me back onto the bed.  Without my uncle there, all of the things I should’ve been thinking about jumped to mind-my first thought rang out clear, especially for someone who was completely numbed.

 

“What the hell’s going on, why am I—“

“Alex, calm down!”

 

            I stopped, as Alexia’s voice rang clear…I’d forgotten she was there.  I heard my heartbeat as loud as I did her voice, and I began to wonder why I felt so frantic…I’m not used to feeling so excited over nothing.  Then again, considering I was in a hospital without a clue of why I was there, I guessed any familiar face should excite me.

 

“Alex, you…nearly had a stroke, and the coached had to call an ambulance to rush you here after you lost consciousness.”

“The coach?  Where is he--where the f**k is Jeff!?”

 

            Suddenly, my brain screamed in my skull, and I fell back down as abruptly as I’d sat up-I felt like I was f*****g dying.  I had to blink away the tears of the pain running through my skull, as I waited for Alexia to respond.

 

“Jeff’s here, in the hospital.  The coach won’t allow him to press charges for that nose you…totaled.  Your uncle had security footage of him assaulting you, so trust me, you don’t have to worry about him.”

“Alexia…”  The thought came out of nowhere, as did the words, as I heard her crackling voice try to speak calmly.

“Why would you cry for me?”

 

            The air froze, as the doctors walked back out of the room, after setting the equipment that’d fallen in Uncle James’ rampage back into place.  I looked over at Alexia, her eyes red from crying, her cheeks flushed with the anger of my question.

 

“You can be so selfish…what, am I not supposed to care!?  You nearly had a f*****g stroke, Alex.  You nearly died!  What the f**k am I supposed to do if—“ 

 

            Her voice choked in her throat, and she’d begun crying again.  I felt embarrassed, stupid for asking the question now.  I felt bad for everything; she didn’t deserve me to put her through all of this…

 

“Alexia…you’re right, I am selfish.  I apologize…”

“Now that it seems you’ll be okay, you should just get some rest, okay?”  She spoke, after taking a moment to calm down, but her voice still trembled.

“I’ll be back…”

“Alexia—“

 

            Too late.  I heard the door click as she turned the knob, and then I accepted that I was alone as her footsteps became inaudible.  In seconds, the door closed once more.  I felt anger burn my face yet again after the door closed, but I was the one that fucked up.  How could I blame her for not wanting to be around me, with all the s**t that’s happened since she first spoke with me?

 

            Coming to terms with the fact I would be there for a while unseen, I let my thoughts wander.  I remembered her crying in my arms as she told me of her brother’s friend, I remembered how hurt she was.  Her trembling, heaving body soft against me…how could I forget?  Because of me, she was forced to relive those painful memories that moved her to tears.  Because of me, her brother abused her, her family rejected her.  Because of me, she had become homeless…she’d finally broken.  And she was so strong before then…

 

            And all of the apologies in the world wouldn’t be enough to make up for everything in her life I fucked up.  I could offer f*****g nothing as solace to her mother sending her from her own home at f*****g gunpoint.  Even still, she thought of me, she loved me.  She didn’t hate me…even after everything I caused her.  It seemed she turned against her own self instead.

 

            I was a monster…a selfish, stuck up monster.  It’s sad that up until this moment, I felt so justified…and if I was wrong then the fault never stuck.  I always said that I was a f**k up, but it wasn’t until this moment that I realized just how much.  I had to see her again as soon as I can.  I had to apologize…