Introduction

‘We’re here kid, that’ll be twenty-six fifty.’ The Cab driver shouted over the sound of the engine. ‘So here it is, MoonWood, the god forsaken dump that Uncle Arthur left me in his will.

The old goat’s lucky he cacked, I would of given him a piece of my mind.’ Becket Dodgson said,

Sneering at the very sight of the mansion. Becket was a very hard man to please. He was still young, in his late twenties someone might think. He had a scar under his right eye, some say he did it himself, other’s think it was his father.

 

    Becket’s father was a cruel, selfish drunkard, who cared more for his whiskey and cigars than he did for his own child and wife. For Becket’s fifth birthday the only gift he got from his dad was a cigar burn on his left hand for making too much noise. His dad was a carney who worked at Cragknot and Limbstead’s, the old carnival in Plottersville, Mississippi.  Off and on there would be times where he promised little Becket that he would get him free passes to the Carnival, but he never did. He never kept his promises, and would laugh when Becket would cry from the disappointment. 

 

  ‘Hey kid, I said that’ll be twenty-six fifty! Come on, I gotta get to my next pick-up!’ The Cab driver shouted. ‘Ok, god, calm down old man or you’re gonna have a heart-attack!’ Becket shouted back, just as loud. He threw open the cab door and got his bags from the trunk, and walked to the driver’s window. ‘Here’s your money, hey, I have question. Do you know anything about this place? I heard there’s a legend about this place being haunted.’ Becket asked

The cab driver sighed and said, ‘I better call in and tell them to find someone else for the pick-up, this is a long story.’

Author's Note

I'm still working on chapter one :) hope you all enjoy

Reviews

[Bluefire]

When you mentioned the scar under his eye, I thought of Luffy. x3
And when he mentioned it being haunted, I thought of Casper.
Now that he says eerily: "this is a long story." I'm starting to think it's not a friendly ghost. o.o
I liked it, well done!

[Lexi Villanueva]

Brilliant I like it so far well done 98 just I think just add a little bit more detail :)

[C. Rose]

First some technical fixes in []
‘We’re here kid, that’ll be twenty-six fifty.’ The C[c]ab driver shouted over the sound of the engine.
‘So here it is, MoonWood,[.] the god forsaken dump that Uncle Arthur left me in his will. The old goat’s lucky he cacked [cacked?], I would of [have] given him a piece of my mind.’ Becket Dodgson said, S[s]neering at the very sight of the mansion.
Becket was a very hard man to please. He was still young, in his late twenties someone [some might] might think. He had a scar under his right eye,[.]some say he did it himself, other’s think it was his father.
Becket’s father was a cruel, selfish drunkard, who cared more for his whiskey and cigars than he did for his own child and wife. For Becket’s fifth birthday the only gift he got from his dad was a cigar burn on his left hand for making too much noise. His dad was a carney who worked at Cragknot and Limbstead’s, the old carnival in Plottersville, Mississippi. Off and on there would be times where he promised little Becket that he would get him free passes to the Carnival, but he never did. He never kept his promises, and would laugh when Becket would cry from the disappointment. [Telling vs. Showing]
‘Hey kid, I said that’ll be twenty-six fifty! Come on, I gotta get to my next pick-up!’ The Cab driver shouted.
‘Ok, god, calm down old man or you’re gonna have a heart-attack!’ Becket shouted back, just as loud. He threw open the cab door and got his bags from the trunk, and walked to the driver’s window. ‘Here’s your money,[-] hey, I have question. Do you know anything about this place? I heard there’s a legend about this place being haunted.’ Becket asked

The cab driver sighed and said, ‘I better call in and tell them to find someone else for the pick-up, this is a long story.’

END OF TECHNICAL FIXES

I like this set up. You get a feel for the character and the Cabby feels real (not just some side character). The end leaves me wanting more. Be careful with telling his relationship with his father.

Courtesy of the Constructive Critics

[Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot]

I'll go fix these :) thank you so much, it helps alot :D

[Yhoretta]

Interesting, looking forward to more! x

[Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot]

Why thank you :D I'm glad you liked it