Aspergers and Being Gay

The next chapter in the story of my mind.

Two things that are vastly different, right? Two things so far apart from each other that they are on opposite sides of the circle. How could two vastly different things be connected in any way?

With a tesseract.

For me, they are closer than they appear. Both are considered to be a trait that is something to be avoided having if possible. Both are something that, if you are one of these, people tend to treat you different. As if it makes you something other than a normal human being.

And �" as I came to realize yesterday, which would be January 28, 2013 �" both are seen by a lot of people as something you deal with. “I’m glad you deal with it well.” “I’m glad I don’t have to deal with that.” I came to realize that a disproportionate amount of people seem to believe that it’s something you deal with. That Aspergers switches randomly on, then off, and you only have to deal with it at such times when it comes back on. I found that thought amusing at first. As if they actually believed that, that they actually think that. Yeah, right.

Yeah. Right. I thought about it for awhile afterwards, and came to realize that is, in fact, the case. It isn’t �" nor will it ever �" be the case. I didn’t learn to deal with it. It’s who I am, and I don’t know anything else. It doesn’t strike randomly like epilepsy �" later chapter �" and it doesn’t happen at inconvenient times like terrettes, something that I /have/ had to learn to deal with. Twitching, stuttering, no cussing however. No, it doesn’t turn off, it doesn’t strike suddenly like a freak rainstorm that you have to weather. It’s something that is in everything I do, I say, I think, feel, touch, and anything else I fucked up and forgot to mention. Just like being gay. You don’t deal with it. It just is.

The second thing I find incredibly amusing, and also mildly aggravating, is the misconstrued perception that I should quit being both Aspergers and gay, because acting like these things isn’t natural and to stop. That sentence right there, fills my head with both mirth as well as a mind full of what the f**k. I am on the very high end of the Aspergers spectrum. I’m “worse” than 95% of people with Aspergers, so I will gently tell you as best I can, in the nicest possible way. Do you really think I f*****g enjoy some of the things I have to go through in life because of it? That I enjoyed being bullied so badly that I went home crying everyday on the bus from 7th to 9th grade. One of these puts a target pretty big on your back, especially when you are as far down the proverbial rabbit trail as I am. Both of these? You could send a heat seeking missile up my a*s from 100 miles away. I don’t do it because I enjoy the game, or that people great me different, or even just the attention I gain because of it. It isn’t easy at times. Sometimes it’s brutally difficult. And I wouldn’t change a thing, for any amount of money, or power, or anything. It’s who I am, and I enjoy being me. Sometimes I just don’t enjoy other people being them.

Being gay is something I do enjoy every moment of. People who think it must be hard, that it’s unfair anyone should have to be that way, can kindly take their pity, roll it into a ball, and shoe it up their collective a*****e till the elbow gets stuck. It’s not easy, but it’s much harder to stay in the proverbial closet. You make yourself miserable, you make life harder than it normally would be even /with/ the cultural stigma, and sometimes you are only fooling yourself. My mom apparently knew since I was about six. I told her at 21. She thought it was incredibly funny that I took so long doing so. A lot of people aren’t gifted with parents who don’t give a flying f**k. I get that. But it’s worse hiding who you are, than if you have to go through a few insults because of what you should be proud of being. The people who matter, don’t care. And the people who do care, really don’t matter. If they did, they would accept who you are, and not condemn you for being slightly left of center of the collective We. Plus, you find gay guys, and lesbians, are a lot nicer and are more fun to date. They seem to be a lot nicer when it comes to relationships. At least from my experience.

For me, I have found that being gay, and having Aspergers, are two sides of the same coin of my personality. Gay I could hide, but I got tired of being miserable, and i grew 50x happier after i came out. Aspergers I can’t hide �" I’m so far down the line it isn’t possible to �" but having lived this way, in the stained glass mentality of life, the universe and everything, I would be 50x more miserable if I was forced to be any other way. And both ways, I’d only be fooling myself. And if you try to fool yourself, you end up only being a fool. Because you can’t change. So be happy with who you are, and don’t let the retards of the world rule you. It’s not worth being miserable over.