#2

I wrote this poem for the only person I have ever loved.

Deep and beautiful

My life swims in you

Defracted

like a ray of light

I

absorb quietly inside

YOU

How could this be?

You inspire

ME

But in sacrifice I have given

you MORE

Something that you will always have

Something that you stole

My heart

It beats

For you my love is great

and without you I am reduced

to what?

Writing s****y poetry and remembering your face

maddeningly attempting to catch up with you

despite our time and space.

Author's Note

When the person this is for read this poem they said, "I did not steal your heart, you gave it to me". That is BULLSHIT!!

Reviews

[J. K. Beach]

A quiet, beautiful beginning lures the reader in. Your words paint images of light and life, even inspiration, before you allow glimpses of the cracks that have formed, but, to me, the final three lines feel like a mad bull-rush to get all the emotions out in time and space. This last bit seems to cheat the reader out of making an honest attempt to interpret you meaning. You essentially tell him or her everything all at once.

Someone (I can't remember now just who) once said that a poem should not tell, but show. I think you are certainly capable of showing meaning... you do it in the first half of the poem very well. Use that craft to show the pain and confusion as effectively as you did the beauty in the beginning. It will make the whole piece stronger. You have an excellent start... just keep writing!

Eventually you'll become adept at doing a waltz between showing and telling--a dance where the reader is allowed to puzzle out your intent without being overly confused or without being handed too much. Then you can dispense with the descriptions and the authors notes and let your craft stand on its own.

[JalousieJacinth]

WOW awesome review!! I totally agree, and have strangely enough heard this many, many times after having much of my work reviewed. I really hate this poem I wrote though, so I'd probably just throw the whole thing out but I am humbled you would take the time to respond to my work in such detail!

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very frightened and very beautiful piece. you describe this situation with big calm and humble . i love it