Drowning and Kissing

The fright of the city elevates with Tony's relationship with Robin.

The meet-up was great. Tony is so charming it's almost crazy. Everything he says is perfect. He would stare me hard in the eyes and tell me what he was thinking about. He had dreams of being a psychiatrist, but his real love was hunting. He could go on and on about bait and about how it's easier to catch a fish after a rain storm. I tried to pay attention to his speaking but he was just too much to look at. I cast my gaze to my cup frequently.

Tony and I parted ways after eating, with just a lingering hug. That was really enough for me; Tony was way out of my league. I walked home slowly, reflecting on what it was like to stare into Tony's bright green eyes and then mentally smacking myself for having thoughts like that or a co-worker. I opened my cricking door and stepped into my flat, feeling surreal. I didn't bother showering; I collapsed into my bed, feeling high from being with Tony. I had always pretended to just not care about girls, but now it was obvious that others like me were near and the one nearest to me was so f*****g cute. I forgot about infatuation.

Did I have to hide forever?

I dreamt dreams of peace once more. Caleb alive, Caleb sitting at his desk and doing his quiet duty. But I dreamt of Tony, too. Tony pressing his nose against mine, telling me he wanted to stay in my bed for the night. He did live alone, after all. Tony's lips so close to mine we nearly kissed, his thin body against me. Dreams, just dreams.

My brother called in the morning after my array of beautiful yet shaking dreams �" forbidden, but beautiful.

“Well, did you straighten up?” asked Skylar. I hated Skylar, even as a brother, because he wanted me to be like he is. Not only straight, but at a top-notch firm, married with kids. American f*****g dream. I felt pretty comfortable at my hotline job, even though I do wish I could have a life outside of that. The American dream isn't my dream �" call me Russian. And Russian is the only thing we'll ever have in common �" the f*****g Baskov brothers.

“No, Skylar, I didn't turn into you yet.” I sighed and brushed my teeth while listening to him ramble about how fantastic his kid is doing in pre-school. I was never allowed to meet him, so why would I really care? As cold as it sounded even in my own head, why the actual f**k should I care?

“I'm sure someone will come along to straighten you out,” he said. “Get it? Straighten you out?”

“Yes, I f*****g got it, Skylar. Don't call me until you've decided to accept the brother you have and not the brother you wouldn't be ashamed of.”

The problem with cellphones is that you can't slam them down when you end a conversation all pissed off.

I hung up the phone and checked for any messages. Just a “see u soon,” from Tony. A “The hotline certainly is blowing up today �" be prepared!” from Candice. I decided it was time to jump in the shower and take care of some hygiene �" not something I was usually conscious of anymore. Why bother? The only person I've been friends with for a year is Candice and she's in her own world all the time �" she doesn't notice when I've skipped a few days of washing. But now Tony is around, and now I feel complicated.

Running on very little sleep, I put on my usual attire of cargo pants and a dark blue polo. I made sure my wavy hair wasn't waving too much as it tended to do in the humidity, and I left for my long, dark shift at Butterfly. I'd forgotten to take my Prozac but by the time I thought about it, I was entering my workroom. TO my surprise, Tony was already there, sitting in my chair at my desk. His legs were folded Indian-style and he was spinning slowly back and forth.

“There you are!” he exclaimed.

“Uh...yeah. What's up?” I moved closer to my desk where Tony sat and put down my backpack. Tony looked up at me and then slowly removed himself from the chair and went to his own desk where he began writing frantically in a thin purple notebook. The lines were ringing and I picked up, immediately knowing that the caller would need medical help. He had swallowed a bottle of pills and he was slurring. I glanced at Tony and signaled for him to trace the call.

Just another night at the center, I thought. Tony went back to writing in his notebook when the caller was taken care of, and the night started looking like it'd be slow and long. I eyed Tony off and on. I was startled when Daniel opened the door and said frantically,

“Baskov and Tibideaux, What the hell just happened?!” I swiveled around to look at him, his hair in complete disarray. He was freaking the f**k out. “Did you hear what happened?” Tony stayed still in his chair, gazing at whatever notes he'd been scribbling down.

“Clearly not, Daniel,” I said quietly. “What's wrong?”

“They found a... thirteen year old boy in the river,” Daniel tried to hold back his tears. “Same modus operandi...same as Caleb.” My heart sank. Two river deaths this week. In our city?

“Well did Caleb know the kid?” I asked.

“That's awful,” Tony murmured quietly.

“Doesn't look like they knew each-other! He was strangled and what's worse...” Daniel gathered himself to try and describe what could possibly worse than being strangled and let in the Ouachita River... “They found semen. They're saying it's a sexual predator.”

Daniel left with Tony and I being in charge of the place so he could find out more about what was going on �" Daniel was close with the cops, since he had to deal with them so often in our callers' cases. My stomach was churning. Tony looked at me softly.

“You holding up?” he asked.

“I guess...” I whispered. “What you been writing?” I needed to think about something other than the news we just heard. I needed a distraction, I needed Tony.

“Notes... I keep tabs on the different issues the callers have, I guess so I could use them or school one of these days.” He looked at me from the corner of his eye and smiled. “Everyone’s issues are the same. Everyone who calls in. Pain outweighs coping.” I looked at him for a rather long moment. He was right. I'd never thought of it as such before.

“I know...when I got really depressed a while back...because of my family... I tried something stupid because no one I knew would listen to me.”

“See?” Tony said, directing his whole body at me with his arms outstretched, almost like he was urging me to act on what I had been thinking. “You just needed to cope.”

“Yeah...yeah I think you're right....” I said quietly quickly, nervously. “What about you? Do you ever feel like that?” I figured he must since he worked at a crisis hotline.

“I've felt...urges, I've felt desperation. Yeah.”

“What did you do?” I asked.

“I fulfilled them. I immersed myself in my work, in my study, in understanding.”

Tony never did mention much about college and I wondered how he could possibly be so awake with not only hotline work but also full-time college. His prior work had been at a firm, filing papers, but he felt he could offer more to people in pain. It's so rare to come across someone like that �" someone who cares.

But still, two dead in a week? I was so torn between my beating heart when Tony was around and the sorrow I felt and the fright, the sheer fright of being in the midst of a serial murderer in our usually bland city. Which one should I really be focusing on? I asked myself, answering yet a other drunk caller.

As the sun began to rise, Tony and I walked outside of the brick building we basically called home, Suicide Hotline Butterfly. He smiled at me as he caught my gaze �" something he wasn't meant to notice.

“I'll see you tomorrow night, I guess?” I interceded quickly, before he could perhaps say “What are you looking at, f****t?” Tony just shrugged one shoulder and leaned towards me and his hair looked much more red than it had before. His nose touched mine. He kissed me, open-mouth, and my heart was pounding out of my chest like it ward trying to escape an insane asylum. I felt it.

Author's Note

Screw typos.