May 10th/2016- Silence

Just feeling homesick.

On nights like these, 

I would crawl out my window, and have a smoke on the roof.

I would sit, anchored down by the shingles like sandpaper,

I would sit and stare at the stars.

I would stare, wide-eyed, hoping to capture as much as I could 

Before I had to blink, if only for a moment.

I felt so free, so at peace.

If I tried to crawl out my window now,

I would fall 7 stories and splat on the sidewalk.

Even though I'm living in the big city, doing what I love,

I feel trapped.

Maybe it's because I can't see the stars here.

No matter how hard I try, 

Straining my eyes  for just one glimmer,

Just one speck of the life I once knew, 

I can't.

As I stare up into a starless sky, 

My heart yearns for anything that will remind me of home.

However, the thing that I'm straining, listening so hard for

Is silence.

It is a detailed silence,

Like when the wind blows through the field in front of my house,

I swear I can almost hear the individual blades of grass

Bend and sway back into place.

Or when I hear a dog bark in the distance,

I can tell which one of my dogs it is,

And whether it's barking at a horse or a bird,

Because my dogs get really excited about birds.

I think my heart just needs to retrain itself.

Soon the muffled sound of cars driving and horns honking will be my new silence,

Lulling me to sleep. 

Until then, unfortunately,

I am awake, in the silence,

Hearing everything,

Trying so hard to hear nothing.

Author's Note

It's got a bit of random humour in it that doesn't make sense, but I didn't want to edit myself, because this is kind of a diary, and that is something I would actually say. Idk, just feeling lonely tonight.